Update from T

I talked to T again yesterday, and according to him the counseling he and P went to went well. He said they've finally calmed down and stopped yelling at each other, and are now talking to each other. He said P told him the other night that he thinks about being single and seeing other guys. I told T that, yes that would hurt, but P opening up and talking about it is at least a step in the right direction. I also said they both needed to be more honest about their feelings if they were going to have a chance to work things out.

 

T agreed, and said he's just tired of stressing about it. I told him I'm really pulling for he and P to put things back together, and he thanked me. I didn't mention the other stuff, and I'm okay at this point with writing T off as my "first." I don't want to be responsible in even a small way in keeping the two of them from working things out, or getting in the way later on if they're still together. I think I'll just lay low and let them do their thing, and if T wants to get in touch with me as a friend, then that will be up to him. It's the right thing to do, but...

 

Who's a guy got to blow around here to find a guy to blow around here?!

 

I'm not desperate enough to go back to Craig's List; maybe that works out for other people in other cities, but around here I think the kind of guys I'm looking to meet are too skittish, like me. I could cruise the parks, or hook up with any random guy, I guess, but that's just not who I am. I've never liked random hook-ups with women, and even with this I don't want just a meaningless blow-and-go encounter.

 

I want to enjoy the dance, you know? Getting to know the guy, deciding if he's trustworthy, seeing if I could actually develop feelings for a man the way I do with women. Something tells me I won't, or certainly not in the same way as I do with women, but I want to at least try. Plus, however dumb this is, I don't want to use a condom. I'll wear one if the guy insists, but the first cock I have in my mouth I want to be bare. So I have to trust the guy, like I do T, to be honest about his health.

 

I worry about AIDS, and about someone leading me along then blackmailing me (or just outright exposing me for the hell of it). I'm not a small guy, but I worry about getting duped and rolled by someone(s) taking me by surprise. I worry about a police sting, or just some crazy fuck out there looking to fuck someone's shit up somehow for any reason.

 

It sometimes feels like T was my last good chance to do anything, and I don't know if I'll be as comfortable with another situation if and when it comes along. I sincerely wish him and P the best, but there's a selfish part of me that holds out hope that they'll break up, and T will want to get together sometime. But that's hoping for the end of a relationship just so I can live out a fantasy, without really offering T anything in return. That makes me feel like shit.