L decided that she wanted to go to S’s “celebration of life” ceremony last night, but wanted me to go with her. She wasn’t sure how the family and friends would receive her, and really I can’t blame her. They knew at least some of the ups and downs of L’s and S’s relationship and undoubtedly some of them would be thinking “she’s the bitch that caused him to do this.” L was especially concerned about S’s sister.
Of course I agreed to go with her, even though I didn’t know any of S’s circle. Hell, I barely knew him, and L was never with him for a long enough period for any family/friend mingling. But when my little sister needs me, I’m going to be there.
We met at about a halfway point between us because L didn’t want B to know she was going. In fact, she had to wait until he’d left for work (yay nightshift!) before she could even leave, meaning she got there a little after 7. Then she had to wait until he called on his break and pretend to be at home while she talked to him. While we waited she said she wanted to break down but couldn’t because she didn’t want B to know.
Finally B called and they talked. I had a hard time not laughing because of the sudden increase of traffic. The whole time we waited, the area of the parking lot we were in was quiet. As soon as she answered the phone, a steady parade of cars went by for no discernible reason. L tried coughing to cover the sounds, but soon her fake cough started turning into a real cough. When she finally hung up with him, we both busted out laughing about the absurdity of it.
Finally we headed for the funeral home. L was still nervous, and by the time we got there and she saw all the cars there (most of which she recognized as belonging to people she and S had worked with together or his family) and panicked. We parked in a KFC parking lot adjacent to the funeral home so she could watch and try to get her nerve up.
We talked about S, of course, and other things. She cried some, but we also laughed as we joked and reminisced. It may sound morbid, but she really needed to be able to do both. We watched people leave, and she pointed out S’s sister and her husband, and S’s best friend and his girlfriend. It was dark where we were, so I don’t think they even noticed us, but L watched and wondered if she should at least call over to the sister.
L had tried throughout the day to contact the sister to see if it would be okay to show up. She didn’t have her phone number because of the fucked up cell phone, and couldn’t find it online. L tried to reach her via Facebook, and had me try as well, but she never responded to either of us. As badly as L wanted to be there, to have a last viewing (which we didn’t even know if there was one, under the circumstances) she also didn’t want to cause problems for anyone.
So we watched, and talked, and laughed sometimes, perhaps inappropriately. We talked about the concerns about S I’d had from almost the beginning, and how I’d tried to tell her. Over time, I told her, I’d come to think I was wrong and it was mostly jealousy that caused me to think that. She said she’d known something was off about him, and felt like that was part of why she couldn’t stay with him for any extended length of time. I admitted that I felt a small sense of relief, not because I wanted something like this to happen, but because I was so worried about things ending in a different way. Fortunately, she understood what I was trying to say, and didn’t hold it against me.
Once everyone had driven off, L had me drive her over to the parking lot. She braced herself and said let’s go in. She gripped my hand tight as we crossed the lot, pulling me closer any time a gap grew between us. When we got inside, a woman greeted us, and L said we were there for (last name.) She was trembling all over, and still gripping my hand tightly.
The woman gave an apologetic smile and said the family was gone, and L asked if we could see him. The woman made the same face and said that he’d been cremated (which L knew S wanted), and L thanked her and we left. Heading back to the car she said she was surprised that the cremation had happened so soon. Then she remembered he’d been dead since Thursday; it only seemed soon because she’d just found out the day before. That’s when she finally broke down.
I held her in my arms as she cried; her face buried in my chest as I gently rocked her back and forth. She felt so small and frail at that moment, and it broke my heart for her to be in so much pain. She knows that they couldn’t have been together; she tried and it just didn’t work. But she did love him despite that, and the finality of it was hard for her to bear.
She finished her cry and turned her head a bit to wipe her eyes. I was still holding her, and she saw our reflection in my Pathfinder’s windows. She said “Damn it, we still make a cute couple!” and we both chuckled. I held her a bit longer before we got in the car, and then I took her back to the parking lot where her car was parked. We talked some more, and she seemed to be starting to feel better. She said she needed to do that, even if she couldn’t spend time with the family; to say her goodbye, after a fashion.
I hugged her again before she got in her car, and she said “Thank you for being such a good brother. You always make me feel better.” She also said she was going to put this behind her, move forward, and really try to make things work with B since she doesn’t have a choice now (her words, not mine.) I told her again I’d always be there for her, in any way I could.
Of course I agreed to go with her, even though I didn’t know any of S’s circle. Hell, I barely knew him, and L was never with him for a long enough period for any family/friend mingling. But when my little sister needs me, I’m going to be there.
We met at about a halfway point between us because L didn’t want B to know she was going. In fact, she had to wait until he’d left for work (yay nightshift!) before she could even leave, meaning she got there a little after 7. Then she had to wait until he called on his break and pretend to be at home while she talked to him. While we waited she said she wanted to break down but couldn’t because she didn’t want B to know.
Finally B called and they talked. I had a hard time not laughing because of the sudden increase of traffic. The whole time we waited, the area of the parking lot we were in was quiet. As soon as she answered the phone, a steady parade of cars went by for no discernible reason. L tried coughing to cover the sounds, but soon her fake cough started turning into a real cough. When she finally hung up with him, we both busted out laughing about the absurdity of it.
Finally we headed for the funeral home. L was still nervous, and by the time we got there and she saw all the cars there (most of which she recognized as belonging to people she and S had worked with together or his family) and panicked. We parked in a KFC parking lot adjacent to the funeral home so she could watch and try to get her nerve up.
We talked about S, of course, and other things. She cried some, but we also laughed as we joked and reminisced. It may sound morbid, but she really needed to be able to do both. We watched people leave, and she pointed out S’s sister and her husband, and S’s best friend and his girlfriend. It was dark where we were, so I don’t think they even noticed us, but L watched and wondered if she should at least call over to the sister.
L had tried throughout the day to contact the sister to see if it would be okay to show up. She didn’t have her phone number because of the fucked up cell phone, and couldn’t find it online. L tried to reach her via Facebook, and had me try as well, but she never responded to either of us. As badly as L wanted to be there, to have a last viewing (which we didn’t even know if there was one, under the circumstances) she also didn’t want to cause problems for anyone.
So we watched, and talked, and laughed sometimes, perhaps inappropriately. We talked about the concerns about S I’d had from almost the beginning, and how I’d tried to tell her. Over time, I told her, I’d come to think I was wrong and it was mostly jealousy that caused me to think that. She said she’d known something was off about him, and felt like that was part of why she couldn’t stay with him for any extended length of time. I admitted that I felt a small sense of relief, not because I wanted something like this to happen, but because I was so worried about things ending in a different way. Fortunately, she understood what I was trying to say, and didn’t hold it against me.
Once everyone had driven off, L had me drive her over to the parking lot. She braced herself and said let’s go in. She gripped my hand tight as we crossed the lot, pulling me closer any time a gap grew between us. When we got inside, a woman greeted us, and L said we were there for (last name.) She was trembling all over, and still gripping my hand tightly.
The woman gave an apologetic smile and said the family was gone, and L asked if we could see him. The woman made the same face and said that he’d been cremated (which L knew S wanted), and L thanked her and we left. Heading back to the car she said she was surprised that the cremation had happened so soon. Then she remembered he’d been dead since Thursday; it only seemed soon because she’d just found out the day before. That’s when she finally broke down.
I held her in my arms as she cried; her face buried in my chest as I gently rocked her back and forth. She felt so small and frail at that moment, and it broke my heart for her to be in so much pain. She knows that they couldn’t have been together; she tried and it just didn’t work. But she did love him despite that, and the finality of it was hard for her to bear.
She finished her cry and turned her head a bit to wipe her eyes. I was still holding her, and she saw our reflection in my Pathfinder’s windows. She said “Damn it, we still make a cute couple!” and we both chuckled. I held her a bit longer before we got in the car, and then I took her back to the parking lot where her car was parked. We talked some more, and she seemed to be starting to feel better. She said she needed to do that, even if she couldn’t spend time with the family; to say her goodbye, after a fashion.
I hugged her again before she got in her car, and she said “Thank you for being such a good brother. You always make me feel better.” She also said she was going to put this behind her, move forward, and really try to make things work with B since she doesn’t have a choice now (her words, not mine.) I told her again I’d always be there for her, in any way I could.
You are a good brother. I hope things with B can move on smoothly, but realize they probably won't.
ReplyDeleteThanks, James. Yea I'd like for things to settle down for them, and at least be stable for her until she has the money and means to have options. She'd be so much better off living on her own and out of Bs shadow, but unless one of us wins a lottery, that won't happen soon.
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