Afterthoughts

Last night, L spent some time with the woman who first told her about S killing himself. S’s best friend worked at the same place as the woman (and where L and S had also worked), so she had information from the friend that the friend got from S’s family. Some of the information may be disturbing, so consider if you want to read it before going on.

According to the second-hand account L got, S was in one of his cars, with the exhaust hooked into it somehow, and he shot himself in the chest. He’d apparently taken the other cars to his father’s house, which makes me think this wasn’t just a spur of the moment thing. Personally, I think he’d probably planned this, or at least thought about it, for some time before it happened. Some evidence I’ve gotten from L makes it seem possible that it might have been on his mind even around the time she was there the last time.

But even if that’s true, I don’t know that he would have done anything to L. It’s easy to say he was crazy, and he might have been, and maybe if she’d been around he would have hurt her. But I just don’t get the feeling he was in a crazy rage when he did it. His actions prior to the event (moving the cars, cashing his insurance policy in, etc.) sounds like someone who was thinking in at least a somewhat rational manner. Not that killing himself was rational, but he was going through it in an orderly fashion.

And I’m having trouble trying to get this right, and forgive me if it comes out disjointed, but there’s something that’s been on my mind the past week. There are always murder/suicide stories where (usually) a man kills his wife, girlfriend, or lover (or all three?) and then himself. I hate to hear about these things, and I always wonder why the guy didn’t just kill himself and let the other person go on with her life.

So yea, S was unstable, as seen by the fact that he did kill himself. But he knew where L works, and her schedule. If he’d been that kind of crazy, there is literally nothing that would have kept him from taking L with him if he’d wanted to. If he’d shown up there and asked for her, L would have gone, grinning at the romantic (in her mind) gesture, and he could have easily killed her before killing himself.

For that matter, he absolutely hated B as much as B hated him, and for mostly the same reason. And yes, he knew where B lives, where he works, and had a pretty good idea of what his schedule is like. It would have been nothing for him to corner B somewhere, somehow, and kill him. It’s surprising what can be easily accomplished if you no longer care about what happens to you in the process.

So, yea, S could have done any of that, and for all my bravado there’s not one damn thing I could have done to protect L. But he didn’t, and I wish there was some way I could express my gratitude to him for that. I don’t mean for that to sound morbid or in any way like I’m happy he killed himself; I’m not. But I admit that I’m glad I’m not going through that anguish right now. I hope it was a quick and painless end for him.