Monday, December 30, 2013

Follow Up

I want to thank everyone for your kind words, both in response to the initial post and via email. It really means a lot to me and I appreciate you all. I’ll write as I have time, and I really want to tell you about my sister, but that’s going to be later on.

The hard part is being at work. Fortunately I’m only going to be here a few hours this morning, taking care of the normal Monday things, then I’m leaving for the rest of the week. Which, by the way, even though the bereavement leave is there for exactly this reason I hate taking it. I feel like I’m using a tragedy to get some “free” time off.

But it’s hard at work because I really don’t want to tell people here about it. It’s not entirely a privacy thing, though that is a part of it; it’s mostly that I just don’t want to be that guy: “How was my holiday? MY SISTER DIED!” It’s bad enough writing about it here, like I’m whoring for attention, but writing is how I cope so y’all just have to deal with it. But I don’t want to be that guy at work, too. Nobody wants to have their good feelings from a holiday week pissed on by hearing about someone else’s tragedy. (Just to be clear, though, I don't feel that way about anyone else who does these things.)

But around here, a typical Monday is everyone asking “how was your weekend?” And the acceptable response is “fine” or “pretty good” followed by “and how was yours?” And you expect the same courtesy back. Oh, you can elaborate on having gone skiing or out of town or camping or whatever, but you don’t talk about the bad things. And that goes doubly so after a long break away; you ask out of courtesy and you answer blandly out of that same courtesy.

But of course I had to tell the manager in charge (my boss is out of the country and won’t be at work until Thursday) so I could take the bereavement leave. So when people ask how my holiday was, I can politely say “it was fine,” but if they find out through the grapevine what happened that will seem like a really inappropriate response. But I damned sure don’t want to go into “well, it turned out bad because…” with each of them. Thankfully almost half of us are out for vacation, so it’s not as bad as it could be on a typical Monday.

I passed the site of her wreck this morning, and will again on my way home, and it was harder than I thought it would be. That’ll pass with time, and maybe pretty quickly, but this morning was rough.

4 comments:

  1. In my family we say that grief never lessens, it just loosens a little so that you can breathe easier. With time, I hope this happens for you.

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  2. Rob, I'd never think you were whoring for attention. I know it's a tough situation to cope with, and writing can help. Please write as much or as little as you feel you need to. The whole bereavement leave thing seems odd, I guess. Our workplace sounds like yours on the weekend Q&A exchanges. At least you don't have to face them until next week. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

    Peace <3
    Jay

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  3. Thank you for sharing with us, trusting us. People tell me you don't get over it, you get through it. Bereavement leave is there for a reason - you have important, emotional tasks to do for yourself and your family. Take it in good conscience! I recommend telling people - give them a chance to be sympathetic. But do whatever you feel like in the coming days. There are so many conventions, rules etc. that weigh on grievers... it easier to go with the flow but you don't have to.

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  4. I know how you feel with regards to work and the questions. Not everyone is built to just open up and share a sad story with co-workers. But as others have said, you have a group of people open to reading the words that bring you comfort.

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