Unrequited Everything!

Apparently L has been back in contact with TOG, the old school friend she almost had an affair with early on in our relationship, then later fucked a couple of times after the divorce when she wasn’t officially with either B or S. (I'd link to the other blog entries that talk about him, but I can't when I'm writing this at work.) When she first found out that S had killed himself, TOG was in state and she talked like she wanted to get with him if he’d come to town. (Apparently he buys houses, fixes them up, and then attempts to flip them for a profit, which brings him back to the state. Sometimes he’s in the area because of family, but often he’s four hours away.) Then out of the blue she asked me to block him on Facebook for her (she couldn’t figure out how to do it from her phone) saying she didn’t want the drama and wanted to focus on making things better with her and B. I guess she’s past that now.

On top of a week of her spearing me in the gut with other hurtful, off-hand comments, she texted me yesterday evening to ask how to hide a picture from her phones Gallery. Her phone is similar enough to mine, so I told her she can’t do what she wants without another app. I was driving at the time and couldn’t go into the details, but I did “jokingly” ask who she was getting pictures from that she needed to hide. She said “Utah”, which is where TOG lives.

We’ve had this discussion before about how to hide pictures. Back in August when she was fooling around with S again and wanted to save some pictures (and hinting that she wanted to keep my pictures too) I offered to set it up for her. Once I set it up, all she’d have to do is move the pictures to that folder, which I could show her how to do. I warned that the folder would still be visible browsing with the file manager, but casually looking in the Gallery wouldn’t pop them up. She decided it was too risky, and too complicated, and would just have to delete the pictures before B had a chance to go through her phone. And this isn’t the first time we’ve talked about it.

So asking me how to do it last night, when she knew I was driving home, and there’s no way I’d be able to set it up or talk her through it (I’d honestly rather try to talk my mother through something tech related than L) seems very much like a deliberate move to let me know she’s fucking around with TOG again. I don’t guess she’s actually fucking him (yet), but they’re exchanging pictures and I’ll bet he’s going to be at least in state soon. The point is, she does this as another dig at me, knowing how it will make me feel.

I’d be okay with it if I thought it was just that she wanted to make me jealous, but it’s a lot deeper than that. Earlier in the week she told me she was going to see a counselor, which is something we both know she’s needed for some time now. She said not to tell the wife because she didn’t want anyone gossiping about her (which the wife wouldn’t do, but whatever) then said “I didn’t even really want to tell you.” If I’d somehow tricked the info out of her, or found out some other way, saying that would make sense; her volunteering the information and then saying that is just a dig.

Likewise when she was telling me about the counselor visit Wednesday afternoon, she mentioned that part of the reason she finally is going is because of her drinking, and threw out “Oh, last Saturday was bad.” When I asked about what had happened, she said “I don’t want to go into details about it.” That didn’t bother me that much, but then she followed up with “Don’t be upset, I just don’t want there to be a lot of gossip or drama over it. I’m having major trust issues with everyone.” That attempt to smooth things over actually made it worse, in my mind.

So rubbing TOG’s dick in my face (figuratively) isn’t about making me jealous; it’s about reminding me of my place. Never mind how I go out of my way to help her when she needs it, or that I’m the one she dumps on when things are going shitty; I’m inadequate and untrustworthy, and I only really mean anything to her when she needs something from me. And if I dare to get too comfortable with how our relationship is going, she’s eager and willing to smack me down and remind me that it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

I’m trying to control my increasingly bad mood, but I’m on the edge of… something. I snapped at the wife this morning over nothing, and had to really fight to maintain my composure on the drive in this morning. I feel like I want something to come to a head with L; a real fight where I tell her exactly how I feel and end with a “fuck you!” And maybe worse! Of course I get too much into my own head with shit, and instead of just letting loose and telling her how fucked up it all is, I feel like I have to wait for the right opportunity. I can get as irrationally angry as the next person, but I want to be logical about it dammit!

I know it’s what I should do to either clear the air (for a while) or just fucking blow the whole thing up once and for all. Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off, and maybe she would be too, if we just broke everything and didn’t bother each other anymore. And honestly, if she weren’t my sister (on top of everything else) I almost certainly would try.