Christmas Time is Here Again

A lot of people are surprised to find out that I enjoy Christmas because 1) I’m a curmudgeon in general and 2) I’m an Atheist. But despite the normal blahs I feel due to the weather and limited sunshine this time of year, I do look forward to the holidays. I don’t like the stress of shopping (ever) or figuring out what gifts to get for friends and family, but I love getting together with them, overeating (of course) and, yes, giving and getting presents.

I also like Christmas songs, but like most people I tend to burn out on them pretty quick. Two radio stations in my area started playing 24/7 Christmas music the week before Thanksgiving! I’ve been up and down the dial, trying to find other stations to listen to for the time being. I’ll happily listen to and sing along with them for the week leading up to Christmas, but I can only take one or two a day before then.

I mostly like the old classics, sung by the old classics. As a kid, we had some records my Mom played all day long the day we put our tree up and on Christmas day. We might listen to them here and there on the other days, but those two days in particular. The ones I remember best are a Bing Crosby album, which had “Christmas Dinner Country Style,” “Silent Night,” “Do you Hear What I Hear?” among others; “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” with Gene Autry, Rosemary Clooney, and I think Brenda Lee is on this one singing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”; and Burl Ives’ album A Holly Jolly Christmas. Burl has one of the better voices for Christmas songs, in my opinion, but I personally like Gene Autry’s version of “Rudolph” better; Burl sped through it too fast.

There aren’t many Christmas songs I actively dislike; I find some of them to be tedious and boring, or overly preachy, and there are certainly some songs I otherwise like, but I really can’t stand someone’s version. I don’t like hearing Johnny Mathis singing any Christmas song because, though he has a very good voice, he sings them like marching songs. The wife actually likes that for some reason, but it’s too regimental for my taste. Still, if one of his songs comes on, I’ll listen to it (unless the other station has a better song on.) “Winter Wonderland” and “Sleigh Ride” are both songs I like if they are sung well, but they can be completely ruined for me if the wrong person sings them.

But there are three (at least) songs I absolutely cannot stand, no matter who sings them. The songs simply suck outright on their own merit. Below I’ll name what I consider the worst of them are and explain why I don’t like them. I’m not trying to step on any toes though; if you happen to like one or more of these songs, that’s fine. This is purely based on my opinion (which is always right.)

3) Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano 1970

Length:  3:02 

Feels like: 30:00 

This song features Feliciano repeating “Feliz Navidad” and “I want to wish you a Merry Christmas” over and over again, ad nauseum. If it were cut down to the 1:00 or 1:30 it should have been, it might be okay. Well, no, it’d still suck, but I probably wouldn’t bother reaching for the buttons to change the radio station. I'm lazy enough to put up with a shitty song for a minute-and-a-half, but not for three minutes.

2) Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer – Randy Brooks 1979

Some novelty songs are okay, and I’m actually kind of fond of “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas,” but GMGROBARD just sucks. I know it’s popular but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. It’s not clever, or cute, and the tune isn’t even catchy … it really doesn’t have any redeeming qualities at all.

Randy Brooks wrote the song and he was pretty much a one-hit wonder. He did write a follow-up to this, about how Grandpa decided to sue Santa, but I don’t remember the name of it and I won’t dignify it enough to go back and look again. A husband and wife team sang the song originally as a duet, but they divorced and he re-recorded it alone. I believe that’s the version that gets the most airplay.

The only good thing is that I believe Brooks made pretty good money off the song, but I’m also glad he didn’t go any further with his career. I’d certainly hate to sit back some day and think “he wrote GMGROBARD, but he also wrote <some great song> so I guess I have to like him again.” (If I’m wrong about this, please do not tell me; I don’t want that fragile bubble burst.)

1) The Christmas Shoes – NewSong (Christian vocal group) with various covers – 2000

I’m not the first person to hate this song by any means; it has been on a number of “worst song” lists ever since it came out. Even the movie that was based on the song was roundly panned. My hatred for it stems from the cynical attempt to manipulate the audiences emotions, using the tragedy of a young boy’s mother’s death.  It’s also pretty god-damned formulaic, like it followed a “tear-jerking Christmas songs for dummies” instruction manual.

One trick on a lot of Christmas songs is to have a choir of children come in near the end to really pump up the emotions. “Christmas Through Your Eyes” by Gloria Estefan and Diane Warren uses that trick, and an otherwise serviceable (but by no means good) song is ruined for me because of it. Honestly, I’ve never made it to the end of “The Christmas Shoes” to know if they use the same trick, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they did.

Now I know you're all thinking "but Curious, if you have your least favorite songs, surely you have your most favorite songs." Well, you're right, I do. 

3) The Gift – Stephanie Davis  - Released 1992 by Garth Brooks

I’ve never heard Garth Brooks sing this song (this is on purpose, by the way,) but based on what I’ve heard throughout his career I’m going to assume that it’s best sung by Aselin Debison. She was 12 or 14 when she recorded her version, and her voice is just so sweet and innocent.

In case you’ve never heard it, and can’t click on the link above, little orphan Maria finds an injured nightingale on her way to market and decides to nurse it back to health. She buys a little cage for it and feeds it, and eventually it’s right as rain.

On “Gift Giving Day” in her (I assume Mexican) village, she’s distraught because she doesn’t have anything to offer. Everyone else will be leaving precious items at the local church as offerings to an unnamed receiver (but I bet you can guess who it is), and she wants to participate as well. She’s embarrassed, though, because she doesn’t have anything of value except for a bird, and doesn’t think it’s worthy of this unnamed… it’s Jesus, okay? We all know it’s Jesus and the gifts are for his birthday. She doesn’t think her lowly bird is a good enough gift, but it’s all she has.

Then a voice spoke to her through the darkness
Maria what brings you to me
If the bird in the cage is your offering
Open the door let me see
So she trembled she did as he asked her
An' out of the cage the bird flew
Soaring up into the rafters
On a wing that had healed good as new

I have to admit that I can’t listen to this song if anyone else is around because I tear up every time at this point. I’m not a religious person at all, but I’m still moved by a good story. I don’t know if I’d have the same reaction if a man was singing the song, though, so perhaps having Aselin sing it leaves this song open to charges of emotional manipulation as well.

2) Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht – Joseph More/Franz Gruber

I like the English version of this song (depending on who sings it) but there’s just something about hearing it in German that really affects me. I don’t understand the words completely, despite having gone though it line by line to tweeze out the literal translation (and then Googling it to find out someone else had already done that, and much better than I had). But I understand enough German to get the gist of it while I’m listening to it (similar to when I’m listening to the German version of “99 Luftballoons”) and it just feels more powerful to me that way.

Having a Children's Choir sing a song is fine, by the way. It's the trick of bringing them in near the end backing up the singer that I don't like.

1) Do You Hear What I Hear? – Noel Regney/Gloria Shane Baker

Written by Noel Regney (lyrics) and Gloria Shane Baker (music) in 1962 during the Cuban Missals Crisis, Bing’s version from 1963 is the only really good one for me. This song truly needs to be sung “with a voice as deep as the sea,” and if it’s not a big bass-baritone like Bing’s was then it just doesn’t work. (His voice is also the best voice for “White Christmas”, but his version of the song is just too slow for my tastes; I prefer a little faster pace to that song. It doesn’t have to be totally upbeat and snappy, but it shouldn’t be a dirge, either.)

There are many other Christmas songs I like, and some of them could have wound up in my top three under different circumstances; Nat King Cole’s version of “A Christmas Carol” (aka “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”), “Little Drummer Boy”, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” (except James Taylor’s version is a bit of a downer) etc. Even a simple song like “Jingle Bells” is fun to listen to. There's a jazzy, big band-like version I like where the middle eighth goes:

I love those j-i-n-g-l-e bells
those holiday j-i-n-g-l-e bells
I love those j-i-n-g-l-e-b-e-double l-s
I love those j-i-n-g-l-e bells

By the way, do you know all the verses to “Jingle Bells”? There are actually four, and they make "Jingle Bells" a pretty solid song. 

XTC's “Thanks for Christmas” is another song I like. It was recorded under the name The Three Wise Men in 1983, but it's really XTC, my all-time second favorite four-man pop band from England. I was surprised when I first heard this song on the radio several Christmases ago, because except for some college radio stations, XTC doesn't get a lot (if any) air play despite being a very talented band.

Speaking of my all-time favorite four-man pop band from England, Beatles fans might be interested in the Christmas greetings tracks the band recorded from 1963 to 1969 as exclusive gifts for their fan club members. When the Beatles officially broke up, the individual recordings were compiled into The Christmas Album, which was released to the fan clubs. Bootleg copies quickly followed (see the full details here) and I first heard these recordings in the early 1980s when my cousin got his hands on one. They are hilarious, and get increasingly more bizarre each year.