Look Who's 200!

So this is what having 200 posts feels like? What a nice, round number 200 is, right? And in less than a year! That means I’ve either got a lot to say, or I just use a lot of words to say… well, not much.

Oh, I’m sure for some of you 200 posts is not a big deal. Those of you who’ve been around for years have probably archived more than 200 posts just to make room for all of your other ones. But because round numbers are considered milestones, I’m going to celebrate number 200 in my own style; with more words.

Since March of last year I’ve gained 22 people who are willing to publicly admit they read my blog. The first was James F. Break from Break Out, and he is mostly responsible for all the others. Plus I believe I have quite a few anonymous readers, based on my average daily hits.

Speaking of, until a few months ago I was averaging probably around 45 hits a day. Now I’m getting in the hundreds, on average, mainly because of the two times I’ve linked to my blog on Reddit.com. Both times I’ve done that, I’ve topped 2000 hits on the day I linked, then in the 1000s the next day, and decreasing each day until it gets back to around the hundred and something range. It dips below 100 at times still, but then bounces back.

As of my writing this post (on Wednesday, though it won’t go up until Friday afternoon) I’ve had 671 comments. Some of those are mine in reply to other comments.

I started off writing about my desire to experience sucking a cock, and related topics. I wrote about earlier experiences, my futile efforts through the past year to make it happen, and then finally meeting Brent at a hotel and both of us experiencing it for the first time. He didn’t cum in my mouth, which was a big part of what I wanted, but it was overall a positive experience.

Currently I’m not obsessing about it the way I was last year at this time, but it’s still something I want to do when the right circumstances come up. And I would gladly join a like-minded couple for a MFM threesome.

I’ve participated in a number of the weekly Flash Fiction Friday stories; some of my entries were pretty good, some were kind of blah, and at least one caused some people to be concerned with my mental health. I don’t always find inspiration for the week’s topic, and sometimes I’m just too caught up in my other shit to have any energy for it, but I do enjoy participating when I can. Though I enjoy all the stories that come out each week, Advizor54 and Tom from Three Spelling Mistakes are always my favorites. I hope to be just like them if I ever grow up.

I also wrote about my ongoing relationship with L, and probably raised a few eyebrows when I revealed that she is my (half) sister. Lately she’s been the dominate topic of my blog, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you are getting bored at my constant whining about her. Not that it’s going to stop, mind you; I’m just saying I understand.

I made a new friend last summer, a local(ish) lady who read my blog and contacted me. We exchange emails, then pictures, then finally met in real life and had a wonderful encounter. Since then we’ve had several more wonderful encounters and have (I hope) become pretty good friends to boot. You all know her as Simplicity, of course, from Keep It Simple, Sexy. She’s also a wonderful writer, and I like to think I had a hand in encouraging her to start her blog. (She would have started it without my encouragement, most likely, but I kind of pushed her to go ahead and do it sooner rather than later.)

And throughout all of my posts has been the wife. Even when I haven’t explicitly mentioned her, her shadow has been present in everything I’ve written. It may not seem like it at times but I honestly do love her, and want us to be happy together. That means a hard, possibly painful conversation soon, but one that is going to be necessary. I’m not content with just going through the motions anymore and seeking fulfillment outside; we either need to fix what’s wrong or make a change. On this I will, of course, keep you all updated.

I’ve written about my ups and downs; my triumphs and failures; my hopes and insecurities. I haven’t always been able to solve my problems by writing, but just knowing that you, the readers, care enough to continue reading my posts has helped tremendously. When those of you who have found time to have commented, I’ve always gained some insight, new perspective, or at least humor in what you’ve written.

Thank you all for being there, and for caring enough to return. I truly love you all.

FFF - He Scores! - 1/31

Word Count: XLVIII for each quarter... so 192.
Bonus Words: Predict the final score and add the combined point total to your word count. So if you think it's going to be Broncos 30, Seahawks 24, give yourself 54 bonus words. (Just for reference, the most points ever scored in a Super Bowl is 75.)
Required Words: Tight end, wide open, muff
Forbidden Words: NFL, Super Bowl, Super Sunday.
Extra Credit: It matters who wins.

Alex watched anxiously as the clock ticked down to four minutes in the fourth quarter. Seattle led Denver 24 – 20, but that didn’t matter. Kelly said she and Sandy would do “something special” for him if a certain phrase was said before the game was over. So far they had not indicated that the phrase had been said, and he was starting to lose hope.

Both girls had tensed up when the announcer said the “wide receiver muffed the punt,” and again when he said the tight end should not have had so much room, and was “left open all by himself” in the middle of the field.

On the first play after the two minute warning, Manning dropped back to pass and found Welker streaking down the field, all alone. The crowd roared and the announcers were beside themselves, discussing the play even as Seattle, now down 27-24, took over but failed to score.

Alex looked at Kelly questioningly as Manning took the last snap and kneeled down, running out the clock. She pouted and shook her head, then shrugged. Laughing, she said “Sorry, babe, but it’s not your night. A deal’s a deal.”

With 10 seconds left the teams met in the middle of the field to shake hands; one announcer said “I just can’t believe Manning found Welker that wide open!” The final second ticked off, and the girls froze, looking stunned.

“No fucking way!” Kelly exclaimed. “Are you fucking kidding me? With one second left?”

Sandy smiled, shrugged, and pulled off her shirt. “Oh, well; a deal’s a deal!”

++++++++

Making the story about a lost bet seemed too obvious, and my plan to have each character get a “wish” if their phrase was said was going to run way long. I played around with it a bit before hitting on this idea, sort of an adult version of “You Bet Your Life” with its Secret Word prize. Alex is certainly going to enjoy his bonus, I believe.

I know most people wouldn’t bother checking, but I have to confess I went over by 20 words. I added my 51 points from my predicted score to the 192 we were given for 243; my story clocks in at 263. I might have been able to shave off another three or four words, but I was going to be over no matter what and thought twenty would be a nice, round, even number. I almost made the same decision when I was 50 words over, so I should get some credit for my restraint.

And yes, my prediction is that the Broncos are going to win 27-24. I think 24 is about right for Seattle against the Bronco defense, but I keep waffling on the 27 for Denver. With Seattle’s defense, that number seems too high. But with Manning’s offense, that number seems too low. I just can’t wait to see all or your faces if Denver not only wins by that score, but also gets there with a last minute touchdown to a wide-open Welker. Then you’ll all be in awe of me!

Now go over to Tom’s site (Three Spelling Mistakes) to see his and everyone else’s stories this week!

Another Letter (kind of)

Writing, and then posting, the letter to L helped me quite a bit, so I thought I’d try writing to the wife; not exactly as a letter, but more like what I know I need to say to her. Unlike the letter to L, which she’ll never see, this is a conversation that I’m becoming more and more convinced that the wife and I need to have. Obviously I’d want to do this when the niece isn’t around, and though it’s a lot easier to start these kinds of conversations when I’m drunk, it will probably be better to be closer to sober.

Before I get to that, though, I did talk to L yesterday, and things are good between us. She and B had a big fight Friday which resulted in B having a scratched up face and L having a black eye. L says this one was completely on her; she drank shots Friday night that she didn’t know had tequila in them, and when the verbal fight started she went straight to psycho-bitch mode and attacked B. She said he only did what he had to in order to get her off him, and no more than that, but it did result in the black eye.

I only know a what she told me, and what I speculate happened based on that, so I won’t go deeply into it. The result was that she stayed in bed all day Saturday, most of the day Sunday, and didn’t go to work yesterday. She embarrassed because of the black eye, and because a lot of the fight, and what triggered it, happened at the bar they went to when a number of her co-workers were there.

From the way she was talking, though, it’s possible that in the aftermath she’s decided not to pursue anything with TOG. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to dig all that shit up again, but I’m basing that on things she said about either trying to make it work with B or finding a real, long-term relationship and not just someone who wants to fuck. I’m not hanging my hat on that though, as I could have misinterpreted her meaning or she could easily change her mind any number of times between now and the 13th. Plus, I don’t care if she fucks him or not at this point. Well, that’s a lie, but I know I shouldn’t care and I’m trying to convince myself not to.

Anyway, on to the wife:

Wife, we need to talk. Our marriage is in trouble, and if we don’t do something about it soon, I don’t know if it will last.

I feel like we’re slowly becoming roommate sharing the house instead of partners sharing our lives. I know it’s been hard with the niece living with us, and your resentment towards her is a part of the wedge between us, but this goes beyond that.

It’s easy to use her being in the house as an excuse to not have sex, or if we do have sex get it over with quickly and with as little bother as possible. But we’ve been heading down this road for a lot longer than she’s been here. And I feel like when she leaves, we’ll just find some other excuse to continue to not have sex.

And really, it’s not about the amount of sex we have (or don’t have); it’s the lack of intimacy even when we do get together. I can’t really even call what we do “making love” because it doesn’t feel like that to me. It feels more like we’ve agreed to have sex because our physical need became strong enough. And then it’s just doing the minimum necessary to have an orgasm then get back to doing something else. It’s like grabbing a burger at McDonald’s because you’re hungry but don’t want to take the time to have a real meal. Yes, after 20+ years together the passion isn’t going to be the same as it was when we were first married, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to have intimacy.

When I talk about more intimacy in sex, I mean that it should be fun and playful, and something we want to spend time doing. This probably sounds to you like I’m saying “give me more blowjobs”, but it’s really not. I want to kiss and touch you, all over. I want to take the time to build your excitement and tease you into wanting more and more. I want you to do the same things for me; not because you’re checking off a “to do” list of things I want, but because you enjoy doing it.

I understand that you aren’t as into sex as I am, but the gap between what I want and what you want has become much bigger than it used to be. When we have sex now, we might kiss, but we don’t really touch. You might stroke me a bit, but it’s like you don’t want my hands on you. If I play with your boobs or ass, you tolerate that. But if I touch your pussy I can immediately tell that you don’t like it. I ask if I can lick her and you either say no outright, or you sigh and say “Go ahead, if you need to.” Then within two minutes you’re saying “that’s enough, fuck me.”

Don’t get me wrong; saying “fuck me” can be hot as hell under the right circumstances. But I can’t fool myself into thinking it’s because your excitement has reached the point where you can’t stand it and have to have me inside you. I know it’s because you just want to get it over with, and that pretty much kills the whole mood for me. It certainly doesn’t make me look forward to the next time, because I know it’s going to be the same thing.

 I know I’m not blameless in that, but I just don’t know what I can do to make it better. Assuming this isn’t about my weight or my looks (if it is, I can fix the former but there’s nothing I can really do about the latter), I need you to help me figure out what I can do to make it better for you. I don’t want you to pretend to enjoy it more, or patiently tolerate it, but to actually enjoy it.

This has been building for some time; years in fact. At first it was gradual, and I didn’t worry about it too much. I hoped that it would turn around, and later when it didn’t I just figured it would be something I could live with. But it’s been getting worse, and I don’t think I can live with it this way anymore.

I think we need professional marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem. As I said at the beginning, I think we need to do this soon, rather than later. We need help finding out what the issues are and how we can both work to fix them. We need help determining a reasonable compromise; find some middle ground where together we both get what we need out of our sex lives.

I don’t want to make this a threat or an ultimatum, but we need to do this. I don’t want to look elsewhere to try to fill this void, and I don’t want us to wind up divorced. But honestly, I think both of those things are possible if we go on this way. It’s not too late for us yet, but we need to act now if we want to save us.

-------------
I'd really like to hear your thoughts, good and bad, on this. What should I change, or leave out altogether?

Weekend Update

Happy Monday, all. I trust you’re back at work, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to take on the week! No? Yea, me neither.

Not much of anything happened this weekend. The niece was out of the house all weekend, but what half-hearted attempts I made at starting something with the wife was met with the usual from her; little to no interest. We played around a little Saturday evening in the kitchen; I was rubbing her boobs and we were kissing, and just as I was starting to feel some true interest, she pushed my hands away and the matter was dropped. Whatever. Except for the time I spent with Simplicity on Monday, my week was pretty rotten and I wasn’t really in the mood to push for anything anyway.

My step-father had a double by-pass surgery Wednesday morning. He thought he’d have to stay until Monday or Tuesday, but he recuperated so well that they let him come home Sunday. It’s not that I minded rushing to the hospital each evening as soon as I got home from work to pick my mother up and take her home, but I’m sure glad I don’t have to do that today!

I didn’t hear from L all weekend, or not directly. In fact, I was starting to get a little worried about her and B on Saturday because I didn’t see any Facebook posts from either of them. They aren’t addicted to it or spend all day on it, but L is good for two or three of those stupid e-cards a day, and B will post about drinking beer or some anti-liberal bullshit. I knew they’d been out somewhere drinking Friday night, and though I kind of knew they were alright, I still worried.

Sunday morning L posted some little something, and I felt better. Plus a little later she “liked” a post of mine, which I took as the equivalent of a head nod. It’s like she was saying “I’m still mad and I’m not going to speak to you, but I know you’re around.” That’s good enough for now. I’m content to wait for her to break the silence; she’s the one who said she wouldn’t be saying anything for a while, so I’ll let her decide when it’s time. That’s how I feel now, anyway; I make no guarantees that won’t change.

The wife and I joined the Y at the start of the year, and we’ve been pretty good about going regularly. Last week got messed up because Tuesday I was dealing with the migraine hangover, and the rest of the week I was picking my mother up from the hospital (see above) but we started back up Saturday and I’m getting back into the swing of things. I wish they had a heavy punching bag there that I could spend some time pounding, especially when my stress level gets high, but I have to take my aggression out on the weight machines. I’m slowly adding resistance, making sure I don’t hurt my old and fragile body too badly. Plus I’m trying to get in at least 45 minutes of cardio every other day (20 minutes each morning, 25 minutes every other evening.)

So far I haven’t lost as much weight as I was hoping to but I am noticing a slight change in the way my pants fit. It’s not a lot, but I don’t think it’s just in my mind either. And I still have the rest of this week to meet my “by the end of the month” goal safely. Along with the exercise I’m trying to eat better as well, so I think if I keep it up I’ll start seeing real results by, say, mid-march. I have weekly goals, month-long goals, and my first “milestone” goal, which I hope to reach by sometime in June. I’ll try to give progress reports as I go.

So that was my weekend. How was yours?

Clearing my Head

Or trying to, anyway. Later in the morning on Friday I texted L and asked, just so I'd know, if she was going to be mad all day and not talk to me. She said yes, and it would be better if she didn't say anything at all because it would just be too cruel. She said she wasn't going to say anything that day, or any day, for a while! I told her okay, I hope she has a good weekend and good luck with the other stuff. And I said "I love you." She didn't respond, and I haven't heard a peep from her all weekend.

The rest of the day Friday I worked on the below letter. L will almost certainly never see it because I don't know if there would be any point. If she read it at all, she'd skim over it, focus on some unimportant part of it, and make a big fuss about it. She'd completely miss the overall point, and it would have been a wasted effort.

L thinks this is all motivated by jealousy on my part, and maybe you, the readers, do as well. That's the main reason I'm showing you the letter; in the hopes that it better explains the way I feel about what's going on. Yes, I can't deny that there is some jealousy involved, but I would feel the same if it was either of my other sisters, or even one of my female friends, telling me this same thing. Of course the reaction is stronger because it's L and my feelings for her are so much more complex, but it honestly is not so much about jealousy as it is concern for her.

Anyway, here's the letter.

L,

I’m sorry I upset you earlier, but I was just being honest. I think the main reason you’re mad at me is because you know I’m right about W. He doesn’t want you as his girlfriend; at best he wants you as a fuck buddy. You said as much yesterday when you admitted that you didn’t want to push him because you didn’t want to be let down yet, and wanted to have some fun time first. You know this is what he’s about, and that the two of you aren’t going to be together in any meaningful way. You just don’t want to face that until after the 13^th so you can fuck him without feeling guilty.

Part of me feels like that’s exactly what will happen; you’ll get with him that morning and fuck him all day, get it out of your system; then some time after that, maybe a week, or a month, or whatever,  you’ll admit to yourself that you two won’t be together and break it off. Then you can be mad that he “led you on” and assure me you’re “not that kind of girl” and tell yourself how awful you feel, but still have the satisfaction of having spent all day in bed with him.

And hey, if that’s all it would be I would play along. I could pretend like I believed all along that he was going to drop her for you and you two would have been happy as clams forever. I would be like “oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I really thought he was be the one for you!” I’d know differently, and so would you, but if it made you feel better we could pretend it wasn’t just about you getting laid. I could play along with your fantasies about you and him if I were sure that’s what would happen.

And I want to believe that deep down you know all this, and that you would get your nut and find a reason to break if off with him before you actually fucked his friend. Yes, it’s a fantasy we all have at times, but I want to think that when it came right down to it you wouldn’t be able to; not under these circumstances. Maybe if you two really did become a couple it would be something you could do, to “spice things up,” and not feel too horrible about it the next day when you were sober again.

But W is just someone you’ve hooked up with a few times over the last two years or so, and you don't really know anything about him. And he hasn’t given you any indication that he’ll ever want anything more than that. I want to believe that you wouldn't actually go through with fucking his friend because you know it's not going to work out in the fairy tale way you imagine.

But I also know that you are so desperate to get away from B, and so desperate to have the kind of relationship that you wanted to have with S but was never able to, that you might do something really stupid. You’ve built W up in your mind to be the kind of person that you want to be with, and you're trying to convince yourself that once you and he are together he’ll be different and you’ll be the only one in his life. Even though you should know better and see him for what he is, you are ignoring the obvious signs that he simply isn’t that person.  You’re the one who said last year that he’s a cheater and always will be.

A part of you wants to believe that if you’re freaky enough to do him and his friends, and whoever else he wants you to fuck, that he’ll decide to replace his current girlfriend with you. He won’t though, because he has no reason to. He’ll just use you for his kinky sex knowing he has a “good” girl at home.  And he may say now that it wouldn’t go beyond this friend, but that’s a lie. Once you’ve agreed to that, and have gotten used to fucking the two of them, he’ll start seeing what else he can get you to do. If you think it will stop at just fucking this one friend, you're kidding yourself.

And down the road, when you’ve been used in ways you never would have allowed yourself to be otherwise, and have finally admitted that it’s never going to be more than that with him, you’ll hate yourself for what you’ve done. Some girls could really enjoy that lifestyle, fucking two, three, however many guys all at once, and there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what they want.  And if it turns out that you want that lifestyle, then that’s your decision and none of my business. I’d be completely wrong about the type of person I think you are, but I would sincerely say “be careful but have all the fun you can out of it.”

I'm just saying if you’re going to fuck him, and then fuck him and his buddy and eventually whoever else he wants you to fuck, at least do it knowing that's what you’re getting yourself into. He’s a freak (not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that), and if this is what he’s telling you about now, you can be sure there’s plenty more freaky stuff he isn’t letting you know about yet. You’ll be his living fuck doll, not his partner or his girlfriend. That’s who you'll watch him go home to when he leaves you; the girl who doesn’t do those freaky things, but who he gets along well with. If you do it, you should do it knowing up front that you aren't the first girl he's done this with, and you certainly won't be the last.

But if you don’t want to face it, or admit that’s all it will ever be, that’s your decision. Good luck, and baby I sincerely hope I’m wrong about it all. But I can’t in good conscious play along and tell you “yea, just fuck whoever he wants you to, and eventually you’ll be together and it’ll all work out great!” I wouldn’t do that to anybody I care about, least of all you. Dammit, L, this isn’t jealousy; this is me, your big brother and your friend. Any true friend who loves you would tell you exactly the same thing.

If you don’t believe me, try telling all this to <co-worker>. Tell her everything you’ve told me just about this; what he said about his girlfriend, what he wants you to do with him and his friend, how they do this all the time; everything he’s said in that regard. And tell her how you think if you go along with this, he’ll make you his girlfriend and dump the other girl. If she’s as good a friend as you say she is, she’ll tell you what I’m telling you. Maybe she’ll go about it a better way, and maybe she won’t be as brutally honest about it, but somehow she’ll tell you how fucked up it is. But you and I both know you won't tell her, because you know I'm exactly right about all of this.

I’m your brother and your friend above everything else, whether you believe that or not. Honestly you can talk to me about anything, if you want, and I’ll be here to listen. But if all you want is someone to tell you “oh, that’s a great idea, that will work exactly as you think it will” when all evidence says nothing could be further from the truth, then you’ll have to find another “friend” to talk to. I’ll never be that person.

Again, most of the point would be lost on her, so L will almost certainly never see this letter. I hope she'll come to these conclusions on her own before she does something she'll regret. If she just needs to get laid, I can certainly understand that and don't fault her for it. As much as I am positive TOG doesn't want anything beyond a friends-with-benefits situation with her, he can at least give her a level of intimacy that she doesn't get with B.

But she doesn't see that if TOG wanted a girlfriend who was into his kinks, he would have one already. He and his buddy have been doing this a long time; if he wanted a girl like that as a girlfriend, he's had plenty of opportunities for it. There's a reason he stays with the girl who doesn't get into that, though, and L's plan to bend over backwards to please him (ha!) is doomed to failure.

I know I'm obsessing over something I have no control over, and I'm trying hard to let it go. I hate that she's mad at me now, and is freezing me out because of it. I know it's her life and she has to make her own decisions, and if they blow up in her face all I can do is try to be there to help her pick up the pieces. 

But am I wrong to not want to have a part in the lie she's telling herself about all this?

So Much for That

This is why it’s so hard to be L’s sounding board on her sexual relationships. She tells me now TOG wants her to fuck him and his friend, and maybe bring the friend’s wife into it. Apparently TOG and his friend (and his wife) do this on a regular basis. L asked TOG why he doesn’t do these things with his girlfriend, and he said she is in no way interested in that. “So why be with her?” “Because we get along well together.”

L wants a relationship with TOG, and doesn’t want to just be his plaything. But she won’t push him to find out what his ideas about the two of them together are because they’re planning to get together mid-February and she doesn’t want to be let down before then. She wants to keep this fantasy alive that he’s going to be hers, and she’s going to be his, at least until she gets a good fucking out of it.

And apparently that extends to at least playing along with the idea of fucking him and his friend. She told him she wants him alone first, then they can talk about it. She asked him what his friend’s dick looks like, and has set parameters like “you can do this but not that.” Maybe it’s all talk, and she wouldn’t really go through with it (she told him it would have to be an overnight stay, because she’d have to be really drunk to do it) but if she’s desperate enough for his attention, and to try to hook him, she just might. Plus, as she’s said, she’s had these fantasies before so why not try it?

And really, what’s wrong with that? For anybody else I’d say “go for it if that’s what you want.” Why does it bother me to think of L doing that? Because she wouldn’t do it for me? I guess that is a part of it; the jealousy and envy, that she wants him enough to do things I really don’t think she’d otherwise do.

But honestly, a lot of it is my wanting to protect her. If she and TOG were an actual couple, and he wanted to introduce this into their relationship, and she was curious enough to try it and later decided she liked it enough to continue, I guess I’d be okay with it. I wouldn’t necessarily need to know about it, but if it slipped or whatever I wouldn’t find it anything really bad. In fact, it would probably be hot for me to hear about it.

But I don’t see any reason to believe, from all the things that she’s told me about hers and TOG’s conversations, to think he wants her as an actual girlfriend. He’s already got one, and one that he “gets along well” with. She doesn’t like the more exotic side of sex like he does, so he’s looking for a willing partner. He’s looking for a known good piece of ass (and goddamn it, that’s exactly what he sees L as, nothing more!) to share with his buddy. And hey, if she’s down for it, and they can get her to do it however often they can, then all the better!

And if L is into that, if she didn’t mind just being the side-action that he uses to play with him and another cock, and maybe another woman, then I guess that would be okay too. It would be a different L than who I think she is, but that’s really none of my business, and there’s nothing wrong with her being that way if that’s what she really wants.

I want L to understand that he’s just looking for someone to use; she’s not going to be his girlfriend (in anything other than the sense of being just one of the girls he’s fucking) and she’s not going to have this beautiful relationship with him that she’s fantasizing about. I don’t blame him, he and I are probably very much alike in that regard (except he got a divorce and has been smart enough to not get married again since.) Maybe she already knows this, but is so desperate for attention, and a way to get away from B, that she’s denying it so she’ll have an excuse to fuck him. I don’t know.

But when L tells me about this, and I try to talk with her like a friend would, it’s driving me crazy. I’m sorry, I just can’t sit here and tell her “you’re right, if you fuck him and his friend, he’s bound to get rid of the girlfriend and make you his one and only love.” Because it’s not true. I couldn’t tell anybody that, much less L.

I held in there for a while, letting her express her concerns but also letting her talk about how she’s thinking about it, and how it would happen, and how it would be. But when she said she asked him if he was going to spring anything else on her, like “oh there’s this orgy going on that we could check out” and he said “oh, no, nothing like that” I couldn’t help but say that it wouldn’t really be all that much different than what they would already be doing. She said it would be more people, and random people, and that she didn’t think he’d be into that. And I said it sounds to me like he’s into a lot of things.

She said that I’m just trying to make her mad because my jealousy is coming through, which yea, that’s not completely off the mark. Instead of trying to explain all of the above, and how I just don’t want her to set herself up for this big ideal that will never happen, I just said “Sorry. I’m sure it’s all just like you say! *thumbs up*”

She hasn’t replied yet, but when she does I’m sure it won’t be pleasant.

New Perspective (for Now)

In response to what I posted about L yesterday, Advizor54 and James from Break Out left comments that really helped. James’ comments, while not anything I didn’t already know, somehow struck a chord with me and made me put things in much better perspective.

Can we all agree that if your wife left youtomorrow and B was out of the picture, that even then, you and L would not be together in a husband and wife relationship?

This part of James’ comment hit home because it’s something I fantasize about (too) often. Assuming the wife was happy, and we split in a way that I could be guilt free, the first thing I’d do is ask L to move in with me. I’d offer it as no-strings-attached; she wouldn’t be living at MY place, we would be living at OUR place, as roommates. I would not kick her out if she didn’t want any shenanigans to ensue or try to guilt her into doing something, and she could date whomever she wanted just like I would.

I think inevitably there would be times we would share a bed, but we’d have our own rooms and it would be entirely up to her if something happened or not. And if she wanted us to live as a couple, however much we’d have to hide it from the outside, I’d be fine with that too. I don’t think that part would be likely, and it’s something that if she said it’s what she wanted at first, I’d know there would always be the chance she’d change her mind later (which would also be okay, as long as she told me upfront and didn’t try to deceive me about it.)

Anyway, the point is that James is right, we certainly wouldn’t be in a steady, stable “couple” relationship.

You have someone you care for deeply, you can occasionally have sex with and, she is willing to share details (and pictures) of her sex life. Most guys would kill to have a fiend like that. If you can't accept that amount of goodness and recognize that the rest of the fantasy is just that, you should break it all off.

This is the perspective that I’ve been missing, forgetting that L is my friend. She’s my sister whom I love and want to protect; she’s been my lover, and though I’m sad that she doesn’t want that anymore (at least not for now) I need to remember that it was something I never had any right to expect in the first place. But most importantly, she’s my friend. We’ve often said of each other that we’re “besties for life, no matter what.” And I haven’t been living up to my end in that respect.

I know that L tells me some things precisely because she knows it makes me jealous. We’re so much alike in a lot of ways, and this is one of them. My being jealous is a boost to her ego, and sometimes we all need that boost. She’s admitted to being jealous of my interests in the past (she knows, in general, about Simplicity and I told her about A, the co-worker from a previous job I had a crush on for a while) and I get a little charge out of it. I also feel bad that she is angry or hurt, but that doesn’t stop my pursuits; I certainly can’t expect her to stop hers just because I’m hurt by them.

If I’m truly her friend, she should be able to talk openly and freely with me about anything, even making out with another guy out of the blue. As the protective big brother I don’t want her to do something rash that she’ll regret later, but as her friend I have to recognize that she makes her own decisions, and I can’t protect her from herself. If I were in the same situation, meeting a school friend to talk about something but after a few drinks it turned into a make out session, I’d be pretty pissed if she acted like I’d done something wrong. And if I told her I considered fucking the girl, even though she wasn’t really my “type”, I’d want her to be excited for me, like a friend would be. I’d also want her to feel at least a twinge of jealousy, but mostly I’d want her to be on my side.

Like James said, most guys would kill for a friendship like what I have with L; occasional sex, sharing pictures (sometimes), sharing details of our interactions with others, and someone to talk to about most anything. I have this type of friendship with Simplicity, and I don’t fuck that up with petty jealousies; I should be happy to have it with L as well without the hard feelings.

Of course this won’t happen overnight, as there are other dynamics at play. But it does give me a new perspective, and I think I will be able to handle things at least a little better going forward. Admittedly, it’s a little easier today because yesterday L told me she told M that she just can’t be playing with him like this. She doesn’t feel anything for him and never saw him in “that” way and still doesn’t. She said he sent her another dick picture after she told him that (which is a red flag in itself) and that it did nothing at all for her. For whatever reason, I feel less conflicted about her doings with TOG than I do about what she would have done (and, let’s face it, still might do) with M.

Whatever her motives for wanting to tell me the details, and wanting to share with me whatever she wants to share, how it affects me is my problem, not hers. I have to step up and be the friend that she has every right to expect me to be.

It's Got to Stop!

There’s a new player in the L saga. The details aren’t really germane to this post, but in short it’s a guy she’s known since she was a kid and never thought of in “that way”, but he’s in a position to help her so she met with him Saturday (after having lunch with the wife and I) to talk about it. Sunday morning she told me they wound up kissing. When I asked if kissing was all, she admitted that he fingered her and she felt him up over his pants (but couldn’t tell his cock size.)

She’s on the fence about fucking him for a few reasons, but one of them is she says she feels weird because he was always like an older brother figure to her. (We both got a laugh out of that.) But since then they’ve exchanged naughty pictures (she still couldn’t tell his size because of the angle) and I won’t be at all surprised if she does fuck him in two weeks, the next weekend B will be working. It’s hard to tell with L because of the way she goes back and forth about things like that.

Anyway, yesterday I decided I just can’t do this with her anymore; it’s just too emotionally distressing for me. I want her to be happy, and she’s an adult and can fuck anyone she chooses, but I can’t keep hearing about it. I was admittedly horny Sunday morning as she told me about them making out in the car, but it was like a knife to my gut at the same time, and this is just not the kind of thing I can get into like some people can (hi James.)

So when L texted me yesterday when I was at lunch that she’d just gotten a “great picture” and had to “tell someone about it,” I decided to let her know. I told her that I love her, and I’ll always be here for her, but maybe it would be better if she didn’t tell me so much about what she and her boyfriends are getting up to. I told her straight out that it’s just too much for me, and that I don’t want to be jealous but I can’t help it. I want to be a good big brother for her, but I can’t do that when it eats away at me when she tells me about making out with M or whatever.

Of course she got mad. “OMG! You need help! You should not be getting jealous! I guess that goes for what you do with your gf too!” I told her she’s not telling me anything I don’t already know (about how I shouldn’t be getting jealous, and needing help) and that I still want to be friends and be close and I hope she does as well. I said I keep comparing myself to them and wondering what I did wrong that she doesn’t want me like that anymore. She just said “Don’t talk to me right now. And fyi because you’re my fucking brother!” It’s funny how that wasn’t a problem when we first started (which she initiated, by the way.)

Several hours later I told her I wish she wouldn’t be mad at me, and she sent back that she isn’t mad. Before I left I sent her something funny from work, and we had a pleasant exchange, and when I left we said good night and that we love each other.

This morning she was asking for some help researching some information and I told her I would look into it. She thanked me, and said that she wishes we could talk about the other stuff too because she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to. I told her (truthfully) that a part of me wants that too, and I know I’m fucked up. She said that’s alright, we both are.

And dammit, I am curious about the picture she got yesterday; who it’s from and what about it made it so great. I’m tempted to ask about it, but I’m not going to; if she wants to talk about it, she’ll let me know. Whatever she does in the future, if she wants to talk about it she’ll let me know. If I feel like I can handle it, I’ll listen and offer advice if needed (not that she’d take it from me anyway.) But if I don’t think it’s something I can hear, I’ll tell her and ask her not to share with me at that time.

I don’t know what the point of this post is, if there is any point. I want to declare “I will never have sex with her again” and go forward with nothing but being her brother in mind. I have to stop fantasizing about the next time we’re alone together, and how that could lead to us fucking. I have to stop trying to flirt with her to see if she flirts back, so I can gauge whether or not she’s thinking of us in “that” way.

I’m sure she will indicate, either directly or indirectly, when she’s sent them pictures, so I have to stop asking her to send them to me “just to check for quality, haha.” When she tells me she’s gotten something from them, I have to stop asking her if she wants one of mine “just to compare, haha.” I use her willingness to exchange pictures with me as a gauge of her mood as well, and I need to stop that. I have to stop letting her changes of mind send me either soaring or into tail-spins of depression.

I know all these things I need to do, I just don’t know if I can. It’s too easy to imagine how my resolve will break down and I’ll be right back where I’ve been too many times. My company’s EAP provides for up to eight free counseling sessions, and I’m seriously thinking maybe it’s time I look into it. I don’t know how much good counseling will do, but it can’t hurt, right?

Room 102 - So, We Meet Again

With my post-migraine hangover, and the more-than-usual moodiness that goes with it, I’m just not in the right frame of mind to write in detail about my night with Simplicity. It was wonderful though, and very hot, and I can’t wait until I feel well enough to look at the pictures I took.

Besides which, there’s not really a lot I could add to what <a href="http://simplensexy.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-now-familiar-road.html?m=1&zx=da9659db22bdb6c5">Simplicity herself wrote</a>. I love how she losses herself in the moment and lets her passion take over. She’s so responsive to my fingers and tongue and cock, and really makes me feel like I have a clue what I’m doing! And she gives pretty darned good head on top of all that!

All things considered, I hate that I got a migraine, but I’m glad it happened after we were done. I wish I could write more energetically about last night, but for now this is the best I can do.

Weekend Update

Happy Monday, everyone. I hope your weekend was enjoyable. We had mostly a quiet one, and the only real notable thing was L coming into town. Last week was her birthday, and the wife and I wanted to drive down and take her out to eat in her area. But she had some things to do here, so we met her at a local place here and bought her lunch. We had a good time, and laughed a lot (as usual), but all too soon she was ready to head on out.

I really miss the days early on when we’d drive down early on Saturday and stay until late on Sunday, but I think those days are long gone. I don’t like being around B that much, and I think L doesn’t like being around the wife either. Plus, L is still very depressed about S’s death, and about her miserable situation being with B when she doesn’t really want to be. As jealous/envious as I am of TOG, and as much as I wouldn’t want her to move all the way to Utah or Colorado, if she could be truly happy with him I would be okay with it.

Well, enough of that. I finally got some action Saturday morning. I knew her “maybe tonight” on Friday morning was an empty promise, and sure enough by the time we went to bed she was “too tired” again. But Saturday morning when I woke her up, she pulled me down to her and wanted me to get back in bed and snuggle. She had to pee first, so I lay down and kept the bed warm until she returned. We played around a little, then she went under the cover to suck my cock. I was rock hard and really enjoying it, but I also wanted to fuck her. She came back up and we kissed some, then she said “let me just finish you off” and went back under the covers. I almost protested, but she’s pretty good at giving head so I figured if that’s what she wants…

It didn’t take long, and just when I was ready to cum to pulled off and pumped my cum out onto a towel (we keep them handy just for these occasions.) We snuggled and I offered to get her vibrator out, but at first she said she didn’t need it. After a few minutes she changed her mind, though, so we took care of her too.

Sunday afternoon, while the niece was still out, we played around again. I was deep in her while she used her vibrator until she came. Then I fucked her for about 10 minutes, but just wasn’t able to get off. Okay, the truth is earlier in the morning I’d jerked off thinking about my “date” this evening with Simplicity, so I wasn’t in desperate need to cum. I probably could have if I’d worked at it, but the wife said it was okay (she’d gotten hers already, after all.) So everyone was happy, and I’m really looking forward to this evening! (More on thattomorrow, though.)

Otherwise, I enjoyed the outcome of the football games yesterday; anytime the Patriots lose it’s a good day as far as I’m concerned. And though I didn’t have a dog in the fight between the 49ers and the Seahawks, I found myself rooting for the ‘Hawks there at the end of the game. So I think the Super Bowl match up of Denver vs. Seattle will be a good one, though the Seahawks might find it tougher to win without their “12th man” crowd.

So that’s it for my weekend; how was yours?

Joke of the Week

Before I present the joke for this week, I just want to quickly tell you about what happened this morning (ha! As if I ever related a story quickly!)

Unless she is working overtime, I generally leave before the wife does. This morning was no different, so as I’m getting ready to head out the door she was just finishing up her online games. She was still in her robe, and as she rose to go start getting dressed, I muttered (because the niece was awake in her room) “Whatcha got on under that robe?” She surprised me by opening it up and giving me a little wiggle and I actually started to get a chubby.

The funny part was her saying “You could have had this last night, but you wanted to sleep in the other room, so…” Yes, last night I told her I was going to sleep in the spare room because my sinuses were stuffed up and I knew I’d be snoring loudly. I didn’t sleep well the night before because I would wake myself up with my snoring, trying to keep it from waking her up.

But remember what I wrote about Tuesday morning? How I was trying to get things going, and getting rejected? Well, that continued Tuesday and Wednesday night, with me gently prodding for us to get in bed early and her rejecting all my attempts to start anything. So when she said that this morning, it actually kind of pissed me off a little.

“Oh, don’t even start that shit!” I said. I was smiling, and wanted her to take it good naturedly, but I was not kidding. “I’ve been getting us in bed early all week trying to start something, and you’ve ignored me the whole time.”

She said “Okay, I’m sorry!” in that way that clearly says she isn’t really sorry, but doesn’t want to argue about it. “Maybe tonight if she [the niece] is gone or goes to bed early…” Yea, whatever; I’ve heard those promises before. I just said “okay” and let it go. But the nerve of her, right?!

Okay, on to the joke:

And old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls their family doctor about it and the doctor suggests an experiment the man can try to determine how severe her hearing loss might be. “Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice. Move closer and ask again until she can hear you, and that will let us know the range of her hearing.”

That night, the man is sitting in the living room while the wife is in the kitchen making dinner. He estimates he’s about 30 feet away, so in his normal conversation voice he says “Hey, honey, what’s for dinner?” His wife doesn’t respond, so he went to the kitchen door, about 20 feet away. His wife’s back was to him, so again he asked “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She still doesn’t respond.

Concerned that her problem might be worse than he thought, he walked to within 10 feet of her and again asked “Honey? What’s for dinner?” Still no response, so he walked directly behind her and asked one more time “What’s for dinner, dear?”

His wife responded “For the fourth fucking time, we’re having chicken!”

FFF - Fresh Awakening - 1/17

Word Limit: 300
Bonus Words: +100 if you tell us your opinion on ObamaCare.
Required Phrase: "First, do no harm"
Forbidden Concept: Don't make it about blue balls.
Extra Credit: Throw some medical mumbo jumbo in there.

Paul startled awake, breathing hard. The details of the nightmare faded too quickly, but he shook from the remembered fear. Karen was snoring softly in a chair beside his bed, which he suddenly realized was a hospital bed.

As his head cleared, memories started trickling in; he and Karen at the restaurant, deciding to walk home instead of taking a cab, getting jumped. Paul had tried to give the guy his wallet, but he’d stumbled stepping forward and… that was pretty much all he remembered waking up.

Karen’s eyes fluttered then opened as he watched her. She smiled sleepily and said “Hey, there’s my baby. How do you feel?”

“I have a bad headache,” he answered. “What happened? Did that asshole get my wallet? Everything is blank after I tripped.”

“No, he didn’t take it. He hit you over the head with something and knocked you out. I started screaming and he ran off, and then you went into some kind of seizure and started moaning about fire and bloody feet. The ambulance came and we brought you here.”

“Christ, Karen,” Paul sighed. “This is going to cost a fortune, even with Obamacare!”

“What else could I do, Paul? I was scared!” Tears came to her eyes as she remembered the scene.

“Oh baby, I know; I’m not blaming you. I just wish the ACA had lived up to its potential. Maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. ‘First, do no harm’ my ass! Hospitals are vultures!”

They sat quietly for a few minutes considering their predicament and what they could do about it. Finally, Karen looked at Paul with a smile.

“You look awful cute in the hospital gown, sweetie,” she said, as she put her hand on his knee and slid it slowly up his thigh, under the gown. “Oh, someone else is regaining consciousness!”

Paul leered at her and pulled her onto the bed with him, sitting her on his lap. She hadn’t worn panties under her skirt, and for that he was very grateful. They kissed while he dipped his finger in her pussy, spreading her moisture around her clit. She groaned and squeezed his cock, almost making him cum with her hand.

Paul was released the next day, a little sore for his troubles, but still grinning broadly despite the large medical bill looming over them. The dream was forgotten, like ashes in the wind.

------------------

400 words on the nose. I took the bonus words because I clumsily tried to express my views of Obamacare (aka ACA), which is: we have needed healthcare reform for a long time in this country. I know there are a lot of problems with the ACA as it stands, and some well-deserved criticisms, but at least it's a start. Hopefully both sides will work together... no, I can't even finish that sentence. I think American politics has long passed the point where anything useful can get done. 

Anyway, get on over to Tom's site to see the other fantastic entries this week.

Yikes!

I found out something today about Gmail that I’m not particularly happy about. I have two different Gmail accounts; my normal one setup through my Android phone, and my “naughty” account, the one I have attached to this blog. They are completely separate, and in no way should they think I’m the same person either way.

However, today I was helping L with her resume, which she sent to my “real” account. I opened it on my computer (at work), fixed the resume, then sent it back. All of this was while I was logged into my “real” account. However, my reply went to her from my “naughty” account. Nowhere in the browser when I hit the “reply” function did it indicate that my reply was going from a different account than what the email came into. And on my work computer I have NEVER logged into the “naughty” account, so there really shouldn’t have been any association at all!

Now L is aware that I’ve been naughty and not just with her, so that part isn’t a big deal. However, my “naughty” account has “curiousinroanoke” and the name that shows up is “Curious Fellow.” Now we all know why I have “curious” in the name, but I really don’t want L to know about that! A few months ago when she accidentally saw that address, she immediately cued in on the “curious” part, and even stated “curious is the term used when someone thinks they’re bisexual.” Of all the times for her to become perceptive!

I told her that I created that email account when I created my Ashley Madison account, and that I was simply “curious” about AM. I think she bought it then. I hope she doesn’t start digging too much now that she’s seen “Curious Fellow”. I don’t know how easy it would be for her to find my blog based on any of the clues she has, but if she ever did find it she would immediately know it’s me. Especially if she read this post, I suppose.

Anyway, if you’re using separate Gmail accounts, keep a close eye on the accounts you’re sending from. And if you’re in Internet Explorer, don’t trust it!

It's Safe Now!

Last week was kind of rough for me, emotionally, and it might have shown through just a little bit in my Flash Fiction Friday woffering. I took Tom’s (from Three Spelling Mistakes) advice and had a drink… or several. Say, does anybody know if Advizor54 ever came back after high-tailing it out of here?

As readers who have been with me from the beginning know, I go through periods where my coping mechanisms just get overwhelmed. I guess that’s what happened last week, and in spades! I started the week already on a low side, and it just kept avalanching throughout the week. In real life that just meant I snapped at people a little more quickly, and I wasn’t the calm, collected driver that I’ve been trying really hard (and mostly succeeding) to be.

So no, I wasn’t on the edge of a breakdown or anything. Well, I wasn’t any closer than usual. But writing is an outlet I do have that I can mostly use without repercussion (at least on this blog), so I took my shot. I apologize for the darkness of the story, but writing it helped. That and drinking a fair amount of alcohol Friday and Saturday night (thanks again, Tom!) Some of you indicated that you liked the story even with its darkness, and that it was well-written. I thank you all very much for that; I strive to write well, or to at least be readable, and I love praise.

This week is starting a good bit better, and we’ll see how the rest of the week goes. I’ve already written this week’s FFF and I promise it’s much less dark than last weeks. In fact… well, you’ll see for yourself.

Weekend Update

Happy Monday, everyone. There’s truly not much to talk about this weekend; we did our chores, watched playoff football, had some drinks, etc.  We did get a new mattress topper for the spare room’s bed, which makes it a lot more comfortable. Oh, and there was no sex.

This is what my marriage is coming to; I sleep more and more often in the spare room. At first it was just the room I would go to on those nights that I feel asleep before the wife and my snoring was too bad for her to sleep. She’d wake me up, send me on my way, and I’d stumble sleepily into the spare room (the guest room is being used by the niece for now) so we’d both get some sleep.

But I’ve noticed I sleep better in there if only because I’m not concerned about my snoring waking her up. She has always assured me that once she gets to sleep, especially with ear plugs in, it won’t matter how much I snore I won’t disturb her. But that hasn’t always proven to be the case; I have woken her up on occasion. So I’m more aware of it, and find myself sleeping fitfully because I start snoring and wake myself up so I don’t wake her up. If I’m in the spare room, I don’t worry about it and can sleep more soundly.

Oh, and the no sex thing isn’t that big a deal. Honestly, I’m happy when she’s on her period and I can jerk off without having to worry about not having anything left for her later. Of course that’s usually not a problem anyway, because she doesn’t even think about getting in bed until she’s done playing all her games, and by then it’s too late. Every once in a while she’s horny enough to want something, though, and I have enough trouble getting aroused when I haven’t masturbated earlier in the day.

Not that I have any problems getting aroused, for like masturbation or with others (Hi Simplicity!) I guess it’s not unusual to be not as excited about fucking the woman I’ve been married to for 20+ years, but I think it’s more than that. It’s just hard to get excited about the same sex over and over. I know generally that, if she gives me head, it’ll be for a minute or two. And that would be fine, really, but I also know that she isn’t going to let me go down on her. On the exceedingly rare occasions that she does let me eat her, it’s for 30 seconds tops, and I know she’s not getting anything out of it. She treats it more as a chore than anything.

Now maybe my skills just aren’t where I think they are, but I do have it on good authority that I’m pretty good at it (Hi Simplicity!) The truth is the wife just doesn’t like to spend much time on foreplay. She wants to fuck, have me cum as soon as possible (she hates when I try to last longer) and then she gets hers with the vibrator (maybe) and we’re done. If the whole thing takes more than 15 minutes (and it’s really not even near that) I consider myself lucky.

I don’t know if there’s any turning this around at this point or not. I’m not going to leave her, and I know she won’t leave me (though I truly wish she’d find someone else, fall in love, and ask for a divorce) so I guess I’m stuck here. I really don’t mind that much, I guess; as long as I can enjoy the occasional fling (Hi Simplicity!) to add some spark, I can live with the other day-to-day drudgery. It may not be fair to the wife, but I do think it’s better than leaving her.

Joke of the Week

This year's first Joke of the Week is cute, and my boss is Scottish (though he's now an American citizen) so I heard this in his voice. Y'all have a good weekend.

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

FFF - So it Goes - 1/10

Character limit 2014 without spaces; according to Microsoft Word I’m well under that. I can’t format this the way I’d like to, or include the image, because I’m finishing this from work and have to transfer it to my phone to post it. My phonedoesn’t play well with the blogger site, and the app I use, Bloggeroid, is hit and miss.

I warn you: this is a dark story. I couldn’t do funny or sexy this week; all I had was… well, this. Please don’t read too much into it (if you’re so inclined) or be concerned; this is just a manifestation of my desire sometimes to “burn it all down”, figuratively speaking.

------

Paul was exhausted, sweating and breathing heavily, but still thrummed with energy fueled by his anger. He surveyed the damage in the basement; broken glass, shattered wood, bent and damaged metal. Mostly there were just keep-sakes down here; all the real damage was upstairs.

He’d started in the top floor, room by room, breaking and tearing and twisting everything he could get his hands on; furniture, appliances, pictures, dishware, etc. The careful, systematic destruction belied the rage behind the act, and he burned with excitement knowing there would be no repercussions. For years he’d kept his emotions under control, no matter what abuse Karen heaped on him, until it felt like he would burst. But every man has his breaking point, and when Paul finally got to his all hell cut loose; by the time he was done, nothing in the house remained untouched.

He was about to go upstairs for the grand finale when he noticed it in the corner; the crystal ball that was Karen’s pride and joy. He thought of the ridiculous rituals she went through before scrying; the chants, the “cleansing”, the nudity (he didn’t mind that part, at first.) He smiled maliciously as he picked it up and hefted its satisfying weight.

He considered his options as he returned upstairs, barely noticing the cuts on his feet from the broken debris that left bloody footprints in his wake. Finally, he decided on subtlety; he would leave the one item she cherished undamaged (assuming it didn’t melt) and let them figure out the significance if they could. He placed it almost lovingly in her lifeless hands.

The gas can from the shed was half full (still the optimist), but with all the wood and paper scattered throughout the house, he thought the fire would spread quickly and hotly enough. The concrete walls of the basement wouldn’t burn, but when the floors collapsed everything except the foundation should go up.

Paul lay in the middle of the floor, the fumes from the gas stinging his eyes. This part was going to be painful, but it would be over soon. He struck the match and dropped it.

Return to "Normalcy"

As I alluded to yesterday, L is messing around with TOG again. When he’s “in the area” he’s still several hours away, so they haven’t been able to meet up for sex, but they’ve texted, exchanged pictures, and she even got on Skype with him from her phone while at work last week. (She said she was in the bathroom stall giving him a little show, and I have to admit that I’m jealous that she hasn’t done that for me.) They talked about finding a way to meet somewhere half-way between them this past Saturday, but he bailed out Friday saying he couldn’t make it. L didn’t say it directly, but I get the feeling that if he hadn’t bailed out, she might have.

I offered to send her one of my pictures, just for comparison’s sake, and she surprised me by responding “Yes! Send pics!!” I sent her two recent ones (well, back last October, but they are the most recent ones) and she made the appropriate ego-satisfying comments. I told her I’d love to see what she’s sent him, but she says she deletes the pictures as soon as she sends them, but that she would keep me in mind the next time. We also teased about how we needed some “alone time” together, and soon! There’s really no good way for that to happen in the near future, but it’s (currently) on her mind at least; that’s good enough for me!

Later that evening she texted me, asking about how to send a video she’d made. She tried sending to me and to TOG, but it wouldn’t go either through email, text, or Skype. The wife was out with the niece so I was really hoping L would Skype with me, but she said she doesn’t like the way she looks on Skype and preferred to just do a video.

But she was freaking out because she wasn’t sure if the video was getting copied to different locations on her phone with all the different ways she was attempting to send it, and we’d already determined it was too long for normal means. She didn’t want to use and “cloud” based solutions because then the file is “out there” and in her mind anybody might see it. That’s not a real big danger, but it’s at least possible, so I worked with her trying to find a way. I told her if I had the file I could shrink it myself without too much problems, but that didn’t help us at the time.

Finally I told her to delete Skype from her phone until I could have time to set it up securely. When B took her back the last time she ran from S, he insisted she give him access to her phone, all passwords to her Facebook and email accounts, etc. so he could keep an eye on her. This of course makes L mad that she still has to do this now that S is dead, and that B should just trust her! I didn’t bother pointing out that the reason it’s making her mad now is because she’s messing around, which is exactly what B is concerned about.

Anywho, she wound up deleting Skype and the video because she didn’t want to take any chances. I told her she would have to make shorter videos for the time being until we could figure out something, and the next morning that’s exactly what she did. And she sent it to me! Wow, was it hot! It’s my go-to now for rubbing one out, that’s for sure! She said she’d make another one for us of her finishing, but so far she hasn’t done that; at least, not that I know of.

Wednesday, New Year’s Day, the wife and I drove down to visit with them (well, with her) for a few hours. While we were there I manufactured an excuse to look at her phone and installed Hide It Pro. I didn’t have time to configure it and show her how to use it (for hiding pictures and videos mainly) but in the week since then she’s been playing around with it and figured out a good bit of it on her own. The idea is that she can hide my pics (and I guess TOG’s too) and look at them when she wants, and if she makes a video that’s too large to send she can hide it until I can physically download it from her phone and resize it for her. We haven’t actually gotten around to doing that yet, but we’ll see how it works out.

TOG is only in the area (again, still several hours drive away) a few times a year; he lives in Utah and apparently just bought a condo in Colorado somewhere. L is desperate to get away from B for good, but she doesn’t have any money and the car she’s driving now is under his name, so she’d be screwed if she left. Unless she went right into another relationship, say with TOG.

 She has said she would go with him to Colorado if he asked (but not to Utah), and I think that would be an exceptionally bad idea. I don’t think she’d have any more luck being with him for more than a week at a time than she did with S. And considering TOG currently has a girlfriend that he would be cheating on if he and L did meet up, there’s no reason to think he would suddenly become a fan of monogamy if they got more serious. I made the mistake of trying to tell her that, and that he just didn’t strike me as someone who was looking for the same thing she was (based on what she’s said about him) and that upset her. She accused me of being jealous and not wanting her to be happy. O—kay.

So now I’m just sitting back, hoping for some pictures or videos and helping her keep her shenanigans as under wraps as possible. Meanwhile, I hope she’ll figure out on her own that TOG might be okay as an occasional fuck buddy, but he’s not going to be in her future, long-term plans.

Weekend Update

My first weekend update for 2014 isn’t what I would have wanted it to be about, but we don’t always get to decide the different paths our lives take. We can only adjust and make do as well as possible with the new direction, and try (but not too hard) to make the ride as comfortable as possible.

We said our goodbyes to my sister on Saturday. As you can probably imagine, it was a rough week for the family, but I think (I hope) the worst of it is behind us. The middle sister and her family came into town Thursday (and left Sunday) and I’m really glad she and I had a chance to reconnect in a way we haven’t in years. Unfortunately, there will be no meeting between her and L anytime in the foreseeable future, and that saddens me, but I can’t let that become the wedge between us that it was between the older sister and me.

The service was nice, I guess. I’m not a religious person by any means, so all the “God this…” and “Jesus  that…” parts are just word salad to me. The minister, who is married to my mother’s cousin, must have caught on that I’m not a believer because after the service he handed me some pamphlet about being saved, or some such nonsense. I’m sure he assumes that I’m not reallyan atheist, that I’m just mad at God or want to sin or whatever, and a few flowery words about how “Jesus died for your sins” will make me see the light. Sorry, Padre, I ain’t that kind of Atheist.

I was really impressed with the number of people who came to the service. We have a pretty large extended family as it is, but the number of friends who came pushed the attendees to over 180. Counting the people who came during visitation but left before the service, the funeral home guy said he thought it was close to 250 people all told.

I’d considered getting up and speaking about my sister during the service (the floor was opened to anyone who wanted to say something) but decided against it. I would have only been repeating the things I’d talked about with my mother, the middle sister, even the niece; there just didn’t seem to be any point. Besides, I tend to keep my emotions, or at least my negative emotions, to myself (this blog notwithstanding.)

I have to say the hardest part of the week was that the wife was off all week too. I barely had 10 minutes to myself on any particular day. The only time I got to shake myself loose from her was when the middle sister and I went to lunch together for some much needed bonding time. And even then she was texting every 10 or 15 minutes to find out when we’d be done, where we were going after, etc. She was with all the nieces, and they later picked up the B-i-L, so it wasn’t she was stuck with nothing to do; she simply couldn’t stand the thought of me doing something without her that I might be enjoying! (I know that’s not entirely fair, but it sure feels that way sometimes.)

But it’s done now, and hopefully I can start getting back to my normal life. “Normal” being a relative term, of course; new shenanigans are afoot with L and TOG (The Other Guy) whom I’ve written about before. I’m getting residual benefits from it for the time being that could turn into more or get cut off cold. I’ll go more into that later.

Moving Ahead

Happy New Year everyone. The wife and I did celebrate Tuesday night with a few friends, quietly here at home. I haven't had the opportunity to write like I'd wanted to this week; the wife was able to get bereavement leave as well, so I haven't had a good stretch of time alone to gather my thoughts. This is the first morning I've been up early enough before her that I have some time, but I have to work in time to jerk off too so I won't be writing a lot.

But I do want to catch everyone up on things: the family is still going through rough times, of course, but we're getting through it. My sister's youngest daughter, who is 13, has had it the worst of all of us I guess. Her oldest daughter, the niece who's been living with us, has been very strong for her brothers and her sister, and I can't tell you how proud I am of her and the way she's handled this all. My mother will be fine as well.

My middle sister and her family will be coming in from Kentucky later this evening, so we'll get to spend some time with them. I'll be glad to have her here; sharing past stories with the niece and other family members has helped, but nobody will understand like she will. I don't know if it's selfish on my part, but I really hope she and I can get a couple of hours to ourselves. I haven't cried yet, and I don't know if I will, but she's really the only person I think I could do it in front of and not feel too self-conscious.

The upshot is it's rough for the family right now, but we'll get through this together. I'll give more updates over the next few days when I can, and will write more extensively later next week when I'll have some time at work (after getting caught up on everything.)