And Sometimes, it all Just Works Out!

 Back in June, after another failed attempt (and being ghosted in the process), I finally washed my hands of trying to meet up with CR. I hinted at it here but never really broke down what happened, and honestly I don't think there's much point in doing it now. It happened, and I was ready to move on.

And move on I did. Well, kind of. I tried getting back on Grindr, but my heart was never really in it. I talked with a few guys, but nothing was clicking. In fact, I didn't even mind that it wasn't. The wife and I were suddenly too busy for me to meet up with someone, what with selling our house and getting our stuff packed up for the house we bought. What seemed like an abundance of time, 45+ days until closing, quickly ran up on us with all the destructive enthusiasm of a Lab greeting her humans that she hasn't seen in 20 minutes!

One Saturday, about a week before closing, I drove by the church and saw CR's truck out front. It was close to the time that I knew he'd be done with the weekly activity, and possibly leaving soon, so I contrived to drive around the block a few times to see if I could catch him on his way out. I just wanted to say "hey", and finally meet him in person.

I came to my senses prior to that happening, but as I drove away I did text him a quick hello not knowing if I'd hear back from him or not. A few hours later, I did. We talked, he apologized for the last incident, and we put it behind us. I did tell him "If we ever make a plan to meet again, and you start getting cold feed, JUST TELL ME! Don't just disappear on me!" He promised, and that was that.

We continued to chat over the next week or so, while the wife and I were moving into our new house. As it happens, my new house is practically in CR's back yard! (Yes, I knew this at the time we put our offer in, but I promise there was no ulterior motive on my part!) He passes my house on his way to work, so he was well familiar with it and even knows some of my neighbors.

The week after we moved in, the wife told me that she would be working the following Saturday (last week). I mentioned it to CR, and said that he should stop by on his way to the church and I'd give him the grand tour. I promised him that "grand tour" was not a euphemism for anything, and he said "but it could be!" Thus, once more we had a plan, and this time it seemed destined to happen!

But of course it didn't. Once again something unusual came up, and CR wasn't going to be able to make it. I didn't get mad, or even overly disappointed, because I guess on some level I kind of expected something like that. Everything about the situation seemed like I was being played, but I just honestly didn't think CR was doing this intentionally. Call me naive, or evian, or whatever, but I was sure I had a better read on CR than that. So I just "Alright, we'll try again." After all, I knew the wife would be working most Saturday's for the rest of the year.

Sure enough, she told me Tuesday this week that she would be working Saturday, and on Wednesday I let CR know. He said it sounded like a good plan, that we'd meet at my house, and see what happened from there.

He'd said he would be there at 8:30, and since the wife had to work I got up a little after 4. I had some chores around the house to keep me busy, which kept me from getting too anxious about the long wait (I'm the impatient sort, if you hadn't noticed.) We started chatting around 6 and he said everything was still good to go on his end. We both knew things could change at the last minute, but I was still getting excited.

Just before 8 CR texted me asking if we could move the meeting to the church. I had my misgivings, considering all the prior plans involving the church and how badly awry that always went. When I told him that, he assured me that for this time of morning, everything should be clear. I went along with it, but was also making plans for what I'd do when he texted to say someone else was at the church and we'd have to cancel.

He left his house on time, and I watched as he drove by my house on his way to the church. A minute or so later I left, going the same route. He'd told me where to park and which door to come to, and I drove up to park behind his car still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just as I pulled up I got the "blip" of a message coming in. It said "all clear!"

I got out of my car, walked up to the door he'd indicated, and there he was, waiting for me! Holy shit (no pun intended) this is actually going to happen!

And just to cut to the chase, it did! We were both nervous, but we'd agreed long ago that when we finally met, as soon as we were in a clear location, we'd kiss and just get the awkwardness over with. So, we did! We kissed, and groped a bit, and after a few minutes I think we were both a lot less nervous.

We didn't have a lot of time, so we both opened our pants and pulled our cocks out. Suddenly I was holding the dick I'd only seen pictures (and a few good videos) of to this point! We kissed a little more, then I said "I need to get my mouth on this!"

He sat down and I kneeled in front of him and FINALLY got my mouth on that dick! I won't go into all the details (I mean, most of you have either sucked dick or had your dick sucked, so you know how that goes), but I licked and sucked like I hadn't had dick in over a year! CR seemed to like it, too.

As I've said in the past, I don't necessarily get anything out of a guy sucking my dick, but I'm not opposed to it either. So when CR wanted a turn, I was glad to let him. It felt good, and I stayed hard, but I could tell pretty early in that I probably wasn't going to cum.

After ten minutes or so I had CR stand up while I stayed in the seat. I pulled him to me and took him in my mouth again, and continued where I'd left off earlier. I must have been doing something right, because before too long he started panting, then said "I'm really close!" That was music to my ears! I continued sucking and bobbing, and when CR gasped "I'm cumming!" I was ready for him! I drained him as best I could, then I swallowed, and I was in heaven!

CR had agreed to use my phone to get videos of the action, so that I could show a few of the people I know would like to see it (Hi Simplicity!) (James, I'll get with you later!). I won't make the video widely available, but I will offer this screen shot...

CR sucked me some more afterwards, but as good as it felt and as much as I would have liked to, I just wasn't going to cum. We agreed that we'd definitely be doing this again, and maybe in time it'll be a little easier for me to get into it. But all in all, I know I had a great time, and I think CR did too!

An update, and a funny acectdote

Well, I think it's funny. Maybe you'd have to have been there.

I'm moving on from the failed CR affair, as one does. I'm still confused, and maybe even a little hurt, but ultimately it's a small thing. For a while I was concerned that perhaps something had happened to him, but I've seen his vehicle outside of the church from time to time. (No, I'm not stalking him I promise. The church just happens to be on the road that the wife and I travel quite frequently.) Yesterday I even saw him getting in his vehicle, and if the wife hadn't been with me I may have turned down the street and said hey. Perhaps it's best that didn't happen.

I went back on Grindr a few times, waiting to see what would turn up. The few conversations that I got involved in died quickly, as I'm just not really that into it right now. We've got a lot going on, what with getting our house ready to put on the market and looking at potential "new" houses for us. We're really interested in one in particular, but we haven't been able yet to get an appointment to see it. (The owners are still in it, so we can't just show up.) (Saturday morning the status changed to "pending" so we missed out on that one.)

Isn't it funny how a good photographer can make a house look so much bigger and fresher than it is in real life, though? We've been in a few houses that we were interested in, and they always seem less than they did in the pictures.

L came to town early Thursday, and I got off work early, so we spent a few hours together. We rarely get "us" time anymore, so it's nice when things come together like that. Of course there were shenanigans, as usual, but no real sex. I got to finger her a bit, and she stroked me so that I could tutor her on how to give R a good hand-job. We come up with the damnedest excuses for doing what we do! (The finale was that she watched me jack off until I came, which always turns her on. Unfortunately, nothing further happened after that.)

Later R came to the house, and when the wife got home we all went to dinner. We had a good meal and a great time, teasing and joking with one another. L kept bringing up Rs sister, gauging his reaction. She thinks there may have been something between the two of them when they were younger (and for the record, she may not be entirely off base) and keeps hoping to get a "hit" on some of her barbs. So far, he's handled all of them (according to L) will h hardly any reaction at all.

But on the drive home,they were talking about some moonshine his mom brought them from out of state. I said "you live right next to the moonshine capital of the world, Franklin County! Why do you need that imported shit?! "

R said " oh,but this is from West Virginia. It'll make you want to fuck your sister!"

I looked up sharply in time to see L duck her head to the side, shoulders hunching as she tried to stop laughing. For one of the few times in my life I was speechless, for what felt like a few minutes (but was actually just a few seconds) before blurting out "good heavens!" That got everyone laughing,but I think it was more to break the tension than anything else.

As happens in these times, later I came up with two or three responses that would have been better. The one I really wish I'd said is "Drink a lot of that, do you R?" That definitely would have been interesting!

I did later text L that the next time R drinks some of that moonshine, she definitely needs to ask him if it makes him want to fuck his sister.

Back to the Drawing Board (or not)

I'm giving up on looking for a dick to suck, at least for a while. It's more trouble than it's worth.

I went on Grindr yesterday,and it was just more of the same ole same ole. I engaged in a few half-assed conversations, but my heart wasn't really in it. No, I can't host. No I can't meet you after work. No I can't drive two hours out of my way on a weekend.

No, I don't know what I even want here.

I think giving up Facebook has been a positive thing, but I'm still feeling morose. The cold, dreary weather we've had since Saturday (and get to enjoy all week) isn't helping either.

The wife and I started watching "The Handmaid's Tale" and it feels all too scarily possible in today's climate. Margaret Atwood wrote it in 1985, and seems remarkably prescient now.

Just so this post isn't all doom and gloom, I am heartened by the growing BLM sentiment, and the protests it is generating. Despite a few miscreants causing trouble, the protests are long overdue, and I hope they can lead to meaningful change.

Likewise, I support the removal of all the Confederate statues and memorials from the public square. Traitors to the country who fought to maintain the right to hold other humans as slaves should not be celebrated or help up as honorable people.

How I Avoided the War (with apologies to Patrick Ryan)

Earlier this week I got to work early and, like I always do, I farted around until it was time to clock in. The lion's share of said farting around usually involves catching up on Facebook and, when I get bored of that, checking out Reddit. But this day friend's post caught my eye, and one of his friends made an opposing argument that I felt not only called for a response but it called for it from me.

In short, I got in a stupid argument with an idiot (some may even say there were two idiots involved in this argument.) I quickly realized that his goal wasn't to exchange viewpoints and either meet eye-to-eye on some points or agree to disagree. Instead, he was just trying to score some fake internet points with essentially a "Gish Gallop" strategy.

I got flustered, wanting to answer him but unable to keep up with his onslaught of nonsense, and eventually bowed out. He continued to spam the comment thread until I finally blocked him.

This isn't my first time having a fruitless argument on Facebook, but that day it really got to me. Half an hour later I was still fuming about it. An hour later I was fuming, but I also had a headache and was in a generally bad mood. It didn't help that I'm becoming increasingly bitter at work for various reasons. Facebook isn't one of the reasons, but I realised getting worked up over a stupid Facebook argument wasn't helping any either. So I deactivated my account.

Not being on Facebook for the past two+ days hasn't made me any less bitter about work, and it hasn't made interactions with people (for instance the wife) any less annoying. But maybe I'm dealing with those issues a little better because I'm not also stressed out from the inane shit that FB offers.

And since that time sink is out of my life (at least for now), that also means I have a little extra time at lunch to write award-winning level posts such as this one. Not that I have anything interesting to write about though.

CR and I are still talking, and still trying to work out getting together. I think I put too much pressure on myself and on CR to make it happen as quickly as possible, and it made me way too frustrated when it didn't work out. As JFB pointed out in response to my last post, with both of us married, on the downlow, and with a lot to lose should we be found out, there are going to be times when it just doesn't work out. So I'm trying to take a less stressful approach; we'll get there when the time is right. Meanwhile, we can tease each other with texts, pictures, and videos, and it'll be all the more intense when we finally do get together.

But god DAMN I want to suck his dick!

Too Good to be True

I'm starting this Saturday night, but it likely won't get posted until Sunday morning.

I've spent the day thinking about how I'd write this post, what I'd say and wouldn't say. And now I'm as blank as ever.

CR and I decided to try again for this morning, meeting at the church. We talked about it all week, teasing and getting each other charged up. We talked about it again this morning, shoring up our plans and getting the little details worked out. Then the wives woke up and we had to get on with our morning, but knowing we'd see each other (finally!) at nine.

It's been harder (giggity) this week to get excited after the false starts we've already had, but I was starting to get into it. And this morning I was raring to go! But when the I got a text from him at 8:30 I already knew what it would say before I saw it.

So once again something has come up at the last minute. My head is telling me this doesn't happen every time if both parties are wanting to get together. My gut tells me that CR isn't playing games, and that this is just a run of bad luck. Honestly I just don't know what to think.

But it's becoming more and more apparent that this is just not going to work out for us. Not now, not under these circumstances. The church isn't the "safe," reliable place it was supposed to be. There's no way for CR to ensure that someone else won't want to be there at the time we're trying to, and there's no guarantee that once we got started someone won't show up unexpectedly. That would be bad for everyone!

So CR, if you're reading this, I'm not mad. I'm trying to be understanding of how things are for both of us. I hope that we can still chat as friends. But I think it's time to just let it go unless we can figure out something more reliable. I can't maintain excitement about something when in the back of my mind I'm doubting it's going to happen at all.

My urge and need to suck a dick rises and falls seemingly at random. Right now I'm honestly not even sure I want it any more. That will probably change down the road, but for now I think I'm done.

Another Failure to Launch

After Friday's disappointment, CR and I agreed to try again for Tuesday. That fell through because of his family obligations,so we thought we'd either try for Thursday,or for sure Saturday morning. Although I'm learning nothing is "for sure."

Thursday was a long shot, and sure enough it didn't work out. But we thought Saturday would be a done deal. Until Saturday morning, an hour before we were to meet. Someone else would be at the church for the day, and it was unavailable.

So now we have to try again.

Sigh

Something, something, or maybe nothing

I'm rushing this post to get it up (giggity) before work,so my apologies for formatting and spelling errors.

When I told L about my curious hobby, she was really excited and asked every couple days if I had any prospects. I told her about some of the guys I was talking to, but none of them were really pending. I'd told her about the one guy, and also about how he'd ghosted me, and she was sympathetic.

L went to visit her daughter just as that happened, and wasn't around to talk to when I started chatting with CR. That Sunday the wife was out of the house to run some errands, so I called L to give her an update. I hadn't really gotten to know CR well to that point, but I was impressed by his dick and told L that. We had a good conversation, and she warned me again to "be careful, in all sense of the words."

During the week I tried to update L via text what was going on, and how CR and I were making a good connection. I noticed that her answers were short; "Ok", "Right", "Good", and the like. So I just stopped updating her, since it was apparent that she wasn't interested. That kind of hurt, but L is L.

Anyway, as I said yesterday, CR and I had our meeting scheduled for Friday. He was radio silent from about 8:30 on, as expected. When I didn't hear from him by 1:00 I figured that his obligation was running longer than expected, but we had plenty of time. I wasn't leaving work until 2:00, with the plan to get there around 2:30(ish).

By the time I was pulling off the interstate I still hadn't heard from CR, and I was getting a bit concerned. I drove around for a bit, waiting to see if he'd contact me and killing some time. My cutoff was going to be 3:00, because I'd want to be home and cleaned up (if need be) before the wife got home at 4:30.

By 3:00, all kinds of things were going through my head. Number one, I hoped that some family emergency hadn't come up. But I was also wondering if a better opportunity to play had come up. Which would have been fine, really, I'd just like to not be left hanging. Or maybe he wasn't that interested after all, which would also be fine as long as he let me know.

I didn't really believe any of that; those thoughts were coming from my insecurities. I'd chatted with CR enough to know that he isn't the kind of person who'd do those things. 

I had been keeping Simplicity up to date all week on our plans, and likewise I was telling her about not hearing from CR. Ever the good friend, Simplicity was sympathetic, and agreed that this was probably just a goof up and would all get worked out. She also advised that, should this happen again, I'd have to consider backing away.

By 3:30, I no longer had any wiggle room on time, so I went on home. Like any red-blooded American who'd been cock-blocked, I jacked off (it was a big load, CR) before the wife got home, then later drank too much.

Just before going to be Friday night, I finally got a message from CR. He apologized, and told me about the shit-show of a day he'd had. It seems...

Well, why don't we let CR tell us himself in the comments. Take it away, CR!

Something, something, definitely something!

When I got the message over Grindr, I almost ignored it. The name on the account was "Bromance", and I was sure it was some 20-year old frat boy. I couldn't imagine how there would be any connection between us!

Out of curiosity I looked at the guy's profile, and noticed that he listed his age as 40. Okay, that's a little better. Plus, at the time he was showing to be about a mile or so away; even better! Okay, maybe this will be worth looking into.

We chatted a good bit, exchanged some face photos, then agreed to move on to the interesting stuff.

Now you, my readers, know that I'm not attracted to guys, I'm just about that dick. And you know (because I've told you, and you believe me without reservation) that I'm not hung up about the size of the dick; I don't want a tiny dick, nor do I want some monster, porn dick. Anything in the range of average is fine.

So with all this said, during the two weeks I've been talking and exchanging pictures with guys on Grindr, there's been a decided lack of... wow when it comes to their dicks. Not that there was anything wrong with them, not at all. Most were on the lower side of average, but average nonetheless. But none of them really made me open my eyes and think "Oh, boy!"

Then there was CR. Yes, he warrants his own designation, so that should tell you something! It's not the size (though it's definitely on the larger end of average), it's the way it is so well proportioned! The thought of sucking a dick, any dick, is usually enough for me to get a chub going, but the thought of sucking CR's dick gets me HARD!

Oh, and CR is no doubt eating this up right now. I've said it to him enough times in chat, but now he's reading me say it to all of you! (Yes, CR is now a fan of my blog, and knows everything interesting that there is to know about me.) Say "hi" to CR, everybody. Say "hi" to everybody, CR.

As we chatted through the week, we got around to asking each other about our lives, including what kind of work we do. I had a vague idea of the area CR worked, so I assumed that he was going to tell me he worked in a law office or perhaps a realty firm. So I really wasn't prepared for his actual answer: "For a church, honestly."

The more we talked,t more of a connection I felt with CR. Trust is always an issue with me when it comes to deciding whether or not to meet up with a man (and yes, I know most people have the same issue.) But with CR, things just seem to fit. I'm even excited at the idea of kissing him,which is outside the normal for me!

When we started talking seriously about meeting up, I asked where we could have some privacy. Again, not really prepared for the answer: "At the church, honestly." It seems C-19 gives him opportunities to have utmost privacy at the church. This really could be interesting!

(Honestly, as an atheist, the church is just another building to me. But it is kind of fun to think about!)

So, we made plans to meet up last Friday, and I was going to leave work early. We'd only have about an hour, but from the pictures and videos we sent each other, it didn't seem like we'd need much longer than that!

We spent a good bit of time Friday morning chatting, keeping each other wound up with pictures and videos. About 8 that morning, CR informed me that he had an obligation that would keep him radio silence until 1:00, but would contact me then. My plan was to leave at 2:00, so I wasn't worried about it. Even if he ran later than he thought, the plan was to meet around 2:30, so he'd have plenty of time to get everything settled, right?

Can you see where this is going? You can probably see where this is going.

Something, something, maybe something

I know,some of my titles suck

As I mentioned previously, telling L about my curious side has been a big relief! Being able to talk to, and joke with her about it still blows my mind. And it’s gotten me back in the mood to hook up with someone!

Of course, L being L, nothing is ever easy.

A few weeks ago I reactivated my Grindr account and started looking or some likely prospects. Within a few hours I’d been contacted by a few guys, and been sent dick pictures. I had some mild interest in a few of the guys, but nothing really grabbed my attention primarily because they were either too far away or had as much logistics difficulties as I usually have.

Lockdown has been a bitch for trying to get anything going! Without the relief of having the wife go to baseball games, it’s hard to find any time to play.

I started talking to a guy who lives in the city where I work, and who works from home. He and I seemed to have a good connection, and I especially like that he didn’t immediately ask for dick pics. We did exchange face pics, and though I’m not attracted to guys in that way, he looked normal enough. When we finally did exchange dick pics, his looked… I don’t know, fine I guess. Nothing remarkable, not tiny but not big. Adequate is probably the right word. Definitely suckable.

We talked about how we could get together, and I suggested we could meet for lunch one day. He reminded me that there aren’t many places to meet for lunch, and perhaps I could come to his place and we could “chill.” Yea, we all know what that means, right?

I explained how I tend to freeze, and that he’d have to make the first move because I wouldn’t be capable of it. And suddenly, I didn’t hear anything more from him. By the next morning I was resigned to having scared him off somehow. I sent a text the later that morning “laughingly” apologizing for my “drunken ramblings” from the night before. A little later he responded with an LOL and said that it was no problem, he’d just been busy working late into the night.

Oh, well, that’s okay then!

So we continued to talk through that day and the next day, not a lot of texts but just getting to know each other a little better. That Thursday I sent him a text asking when he’d like together to “chill.” I was thinking the following week sometime would be good.

And again, he never answered.

I sent a text late in the day on Friday asking how his day had been; nothing. Nothing Saturday either, though I could see that he’d been on Grindr several times and would have seen my texts. It was a bit disappointing to get so close and have it seemingly fall through, but I’ve been there before. No big deal, really.

Saturday, or maybe Sunday, another user on Grindr contacted me. I almost didn’t respond, because it just felt like so much work to go through, only to have it fall through again. But finally I did respond, and boy! Am I glad I did!

Did Not See This Coming!

I've written more in the past couple months than I have in a long while, and though it feels good to write again it's much harder now because I rarely have as much time as I used to. Writing on Saturday and Sunday mornings before the wife wakes up leaves my posts too rushed to get all the details I think are important. Though I do acknowledge that might make my posts a little easier on you, the readers.

It's especially difficult now because L is living with us every other week, and she's an early riser like I am.

Here's some of the detail I think is important, but may be excruciatingly dull to readers.I can't make a coherent paragraph from them, so let's do bullet points:

• L's girlfriend doesn't have internet, so L doesn't want to stay there (can't blame her.)
• R has his son every other week, and he and L don't want to (yet) make their relationship that open.
• L will stay with us the weeks that R has his son, and this will be her fallback so that she isn't dependent on R.
• L will stay with R on the other weeks, and so far the one week they've done that worked out well. (She's going back there today.)
• R has been here almost every night that L stays with us, usually for dinner, then they go back in her room and fuck.
• I'm coming to terms with it, and am mostly okay.

It's been a little trickier this past week having a third person here, but we've been through this before with my other sister (twice), my niece, and even L a while back. Plus she's helping us organize the house a little better, and encouraging us (especially the wife) to finally get rid of things we've kept far longer than we should have. This is the longest L has been comfortable staying with us, but I think that's because she knows the next week she gets to get away.

Anyway, this all leads up to this past Friday. The wife and I had scheduled this weekend as a long weekend because we were supposed to go to Myrtle Beach with a friend, but of course that's all been cancelled. We decided to take the Friday-to-Monday time off anyway just because.

Here is a bit of the email I sent my good friend James F Break, and what he sent back:

Me: I don't even know if I can blog about this, it's so mind blowing!

JFB: If it were me, I’d blog about it.  Your blog is Curious Rob.  This is right in line with that. 

If you think you know where this is going, just hold on a bit.

L wanted to go back to her friends and get the things we'd originally moved there a couple weeks ago, so she and I decided we'd do that while the wife took care of some other obligations. We had to fold down the back seats of my car in order to fit all of L's stuff in, so there wouldn't have been a seat for her even if she had wanted to go (and she didn't.)

L and I set out Friday morning, first running a few errands, setting up a storage building for her stuff (and some of ours will go in there too) and then heading towards her friend's house. On the way there we talked about things like we usually do, some serious and some joking. During this she mentioned that, while drunk, she'd told R something about her past that she hadn't meant to and that she was mad at herself for it. She said she didn't want him to know how bad a cheater she was, and that she didn't want to be anymore, not with "this one."

This felt directed at me, though I don't think she meant it harshly. We continued talking about it, with me reassuring her that she can be better (though I don't know if I believe that myself) and I more or less decided to myself that I would stop trying to egg her on in shenanigans with me. (Full Partial disclosure: there were some shenanigans  a few weeks back. Not as much as I wanted, but more than there should have been.) (And a little more this past Tuesday, when I stayed home because of a wicked hangover/migraine.)

She also told me that she still hasn't cum with R, despite all the sex they have. She loves him, and the sex is good, she just can't relax enough. She stays in her head about everything, and is too guarded. She said she's worried because she finds herself fantasizing about women (but would never act on it), and finds herself checking out nice asses on women, and is worried that she's secretly gay and that's why she's always had trouble coming with most men. The biggest part of this is that she told me this is something she could never tell anyone else but me, that I was the only person she felt she could trust with this.

I assured her that 1) she is not gay (she likes dick too much, that 2) it is not unusual to fantasize about same sex, that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere, and 3) she'll get it going with R once she learns to just get in the moment and let go.

I realized midway through point 2) that she might ask me if I fantasize about men since I said it's not unusual, and wondered how I'd answer if she did. She didn't ask, but the more I thought about it the more I started wanting to just come clean and tell her. I held back for many reasons, primarily because I was worried that she'd be disgusted with me if she knew even part of the truth.

Soon topics went on to other things, and then we were at her friend's house load her things in my car. It took about an hour all told, then we were back on the road. We stopped for a quick lunch, and all the while I kept going back and forth on whether or not I should tell her. I kept trying to nudge the conversation to "weird" things to see if she'd pick up the thread, but she was texting with R and would get distracted. Just as well, I thought.

We get back on the road after eating and it's quiet for a bit. I'm still thinking, and wondering what I was holding back for. I knew that no matter what she thought of what I did, she would still love me as a brother (at least), and that the worst case would be she'd never want to have anything sexual with me anymore. And I thought maybe that would be for the best, because I know the only way it could ever stop is if she simply doesn't want it anymore.

So finally I told her. Well, not outright; that's not my way. It took me starting and stopping, and her urging me on, to finally say it.

"I'm not gay, obviously," (which she agreed), "and I don't think I could be considered bi because I'm not sexually attracted to guys at all. But... I like [deep breath] sucking dick." Up until I actually said the words, I wasn't sure if I was going to admit everything or just say that I had fantasies. Ultimately, I just can't lie to L like that, and I wanted it fully out.

Her reaction was mostly unexpected, and so much better than I thought. She was a little shocked, though my hemming and hawing probably gave her some idea of the direction, but then she said "this is so fucking hot! I'm getting wet! Tell me all the deets!"

She wanted to know everything, so I told her everything! I told her about Brent, the first guy. I told her about T, my former co-worker. I told her about the Craigslist guy. I told her about the guy last summer from Grindr, and the second encounter with T (which I may not have written about here). She kept saying how hot this was, I kept saying I couldn't believe I was telling her, and she kept saying she couldn't believe I'd waited so long, and asked why I hadn't told her before.

By the time I was done telling her everything, we had unloaded the stuff and were back home. I went out to have a cigar and she came out to sit with me. The wife ran out to the store and I took that opportunity to show her the picture of Craiglist guy's dick (the really think one) and the video (which she said got her twitching.) 

She said she wished I had more (so do I, believe me) and we joked about how on my next encounter she should go with. She joked, but I think we both saw some serious potential here. She said she wouldn't directly participate, but that she would be getting off while filming us playing.

She has asked questions all weekend which I have gladly answered, and I giddily offered other details, funny moments, and the like. I'm just now getting used to the idea that L knows, and I can talk to her about it. It's so fucking liberating, and also a little terrifying (but definitely more liberating.)

Later edit: Apparently L had her first orgasm with R Friday night. I wonder if that's (ahem) related.

Time Will Tell

A quick update that I'll hopefully finish before the wife wakes up.

L moved out last week, and in with an old friend of hers and her husband. She's staying in their basement room, and it's a better setup for her than if she were staying here. I was still off from work, so I was able to help her. B still doesn't know about R or anyone else, though he suspects.

Saying she's "staying" with the friend is a bit of a reach. She only stayed their Thursday night, the day we moved her in, then came to stay with us Friday and Saturday. Both nights R came by for dinner, and later they went back to noisily fuck in the guest room. I told R Saturday he might as well just stay overnight instead of leaving at 1 a.m. for the long drive back to his home, but he declined. He has his son every other week, and though the son is 17 and spends most of his time gaming, R wants to be there with him in the mornings.

Sunday L went back to her friends to get some things together and told her friend that she'd be "house sitting" for another friend for the whole week. So she's been staying with R and they've been on a week-long fuckfest. This is his birthday week (his birthday is one day before B's) so they've been making the most of it.

The wife and I like R, and think he and L make a good couple. He's country, but he's not an ignorant redneck. He works at (and mostly runs)a wood-working shop that makes furniture and cabinets and whatnot for the company L was working for (she was laid off two weeks ago.) All in all, he's pretty easy to talk to and get along with.

And I think I've finally made peace with the end of that part of my relationship with L. I know we only started, years ago, because she was fundamentally unhappy in her marriage to B. All of her shenanigans started because of that. Now that she's out of that relationship for good (hopefully), I think she's in a better place mentally that isn't going to leave room for that with me. But she'll still be in my life as my sister, and I think that's going to be enough.

It's, you know, whatever (continued)

Here's a slightly edited version of what I started writing yesterday morning, before the wife woke up:

I knew I'd be writing a follow up to the last post, but wasn't sure what I would be writing about. I figured I'd here from L sometime Saturday and would maybe have an update on that. I did text with her briefly, but she didn't offer anything about her slumber party and I didn't ask.
My friend James F. Break from Break Out commented on yesterday's post, saying that L is going to get caught, and is letting her vagina do her thinking. I was in the midst of replying to his comment when I realized that's really what today's follow-up needs to be about.

So here goes.
I'm thinking L does want to get caught. She's being pretty brazen about going to see R as often, and staying overnight is really a bold move. B always gets on her shit when she's away for a night because he doesn't trust her (and who can blame him), and now she's going to be gone for the whole weekend, supposedly visiting her daughter.

I wrote a little more but wound up having to stop when the wife started stirring. Then later, L texted me and we had a pretty good conversation, and now I'm cautiously hopeful that she has a better plan this time around.

I know (and have known for a while) that L definitely wants to leave B. She wants to move back here, to my town, where she grew up and all of her friends are. She wants to buy a house here, and though I think that may not be realistic, she was working towards that plan even before R came into the equation.

I don't know where her thing with R fits; she genuinely seems to like him, and enjoys being with him. She told me a lot of what she knows about him now, and this situation with him so far seems so much more rational and stable than what she went through earlier with S. (I still can't believe it's been almost 7 years since S killed himself.)

I told her back in February that I was hoping to sell our house later this year, or early next year, when my inheritance comes in. (I never wrote about this, but my mother died at the end of January.) The inheritance isn't going to be huge, but it should be enough to put the wife and I in pretty good shape as far as getting a new house.

At the time L said she'd like to buy our house, and jokingly (I thought at the time) said she'd come live with us and help us get it ready for sell. Yesterday she reiterated that she'd like to move in with us and help out with fixing things and other projects. Now that she's layed off from work she isn't bound to the area she's been living in.

Now there are all kinds of hurdles we'll have to face if she really does want to live here with us, and eventually buy the house, and I'm well aware of the issues, but that's not a discussion for this post. My point is that this time she actually does seem to have a plan. Her spending a lot of time with R is somewhat impulsive, and risky, but if she really does leave B "sooner than later" as she says, then a lot of that risk is moot.

After L shared the details of the sex she and R had in round two, I kept playing that through my head imagining her as I've seen her, but with him instead. In some ways it was exciting (as James is sure to attest) and I've often felt like L and I were in a semi-hotwife kind of situation. But those thoughts also caused me a lot of anxiety for reasons not entirely clear to me, and kept me up in the early hours when I'd wake up for whatever reasons.

I'm not going to pretend that all of that is gone now, but after yesterday's conversation it does feel a little better.

It's, you know, whatever

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COVID-19 Comes to the Rescue

Well, kind of.

L and I were texting Friday about the virus, and I was explaining why social distancing works to slow the spread and why that's desirable. (The fact that I have to explain this to a full-grown adult is kind of sad, though, but L ain't the sharpest bowling ball in the chandelier.)

Later she texted "I'll have to come visit again. But we gotta work on sissy [L and the wife's nickname for each other] letting [boyfriend] come over too. He does really like y'all."

I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about my response. She didn't explicitly say that she wanted the wife to be on board with letting her and the guy stay the night here, but I suspect that's what she was getting at. I wanted to ask to confirm, but it honestly doesn't matter because I don't really feel comfortable even just hanging out with them with the situation as is, much less having them stay here fucking all night again. Finally I just responded "yea, he seems to be an alright dude."

Yes, I am a coward.

I told the wife last night about the text, wanting to know where we'd stand on the issue if and when L asks if they can come by. The wife surprised me by saying that, for the time being she doesn't want anyone coming by or going out to meet up with people. She's worried about the increased infections in our state, and with both of us having jobs where we can't work from home, we really can't afford taking any more risks than necessary of getting sick.

I wasn't convinced at first, but she made a some good points and won me over. It was an almost surprisingly reasonable argument between us, both staying calm and making our points, and she stuck to her guns without shutting down. It was nice.

Just so that we would be clear, though, I asked her if we took out the virus concerns how she would feel about it. We both definitely agree that seeing L on her own was fine and the two of them staying here overnight was a hard stop "no." We'd both be uncomfortable with the two of them coming here for a visit, but maybe would meet them out somewhere else.

The wife also reiterated that she would be fine with any of it if and when L and B are no longer together, but until that happens she wants to stay out of the drama. And to that I wholeheartedly agree!

But thanks to COVID-19, I don't have to go into any of that with L for the next month or so. Based on her past history, the chances of all this not blowing up in some way by then are less than 50/50, so by the time I no longer have the virus excuse it may all be settled. Or is that just wishful thinking?

Here's to Better Days

I’ve come to the conclusion (not for the first time, probably not the last) that the only way I can maintain any semblance of sanity is to distance myself from L. Obviously that doesn’t mean not seeing her; I still love her, as does the wife, and even if I did want us to stop hanging out, it would be difficult to explain to the wife.

But I do need to stop this infatuation, this obsession I have with L. I need to stop the innuendos, the offers of pics, the requests for details of her dalliances. Yes, it’s exciting and gratifying, but it also is part of why I go through such turmoil when she’s doing what she does. I need to stop thinking of her as a lover, or fuck-buddy, or sibling-with-benefits, and start thinking of her as my sister. Only my sister.

Of course, that’s much, much easier to type here than to do. It’s called “obsession” for a reason, and if it was easy to stop it wouldn’t really be an obsession, would it?

Case in point: last Saturday, more or less out of nowhere, she texted me, joking (so I thought) that she needed someone to practice kissing with. Me being me, I texted back that I volunteered and we had a chuckle over it. Now, this was after the stayover but before telling me she was planning to meet with the guy the next day.

Yesterday she explained that it wasn’t really that she needed practice kissing. She’s worried about something, and though I told her I’d never noticed it she’s gotten it in her head that this is a big deal and needs reassurance. I told her I’ll check on it the next time we’re together, but between us and this blog no kissing is necessary for this.

Today she texted me to ask if I was definitely volunteering to be the “kiss tester”. I contemplated telling her no, and explaining all the reasons why, but realized that would be such a bad idea at this point, especially over text. So I simply answered back “when have I ever not?” She laughed, said “true”, and we left it at that.

I’m kind of banking on it being a while before she has time to spend with us, and will likely have changed her mind by then. I’m hoping that if she hasn’t, I’ll have a plausible excuse not to (Covid-19, a cold sore, something along those lines.) But I also fantasize about how that conversation will go. Even in my fantasies I lose control of the narrative and fuck it up.

So now I'm outside, enjoying a nice cigar, a pleasant Scotch, and a calming buzz that's leaving me both content and a little melancholy for reasons I can't entirely explain, or even understand. I want to talk to someone about these feelings, and you, dear readers, are the chosen. It's not quite the same, as you aren't here to share in my cigars and Scotch (currently a 12-year-old Glen Fidditch), but it is an acceptable substitute. And if you don't have a taste for cigars and/or drink, that's okay.

Stay safe and virus free, my friends. I'll write again, soon or not, with an update of a hopefully better state of mind. It will take time, but I trust it will happen.

Shiver with antici...

pation,

The wife and I got moving early (for us) yesterday to get some things for a home improvement project we wanted to knock out. I threw myself into it in an attempt to keep my mind of what L was doing, but it didn’t work. I didn’t know what time she was going to meet him, so most of the day I wondered if they were fucking, getting ready to fuck, or already done fucking. I knew she was going to a birthday party for a friend of hers, but I didn’t know what time that would be. The uncertainty kept me unbalanced.

I kept hoping she'd text me, give me some kind of idea when she was leaving, when she'd be with him, when it was over. Early afternoon I sent her a picture of a small home improvement project the wife and (mostly) I had performed. She responded, saying I'd done a good job. I asked when she was going to the party, and she said 4. I'd sent that text at 2:30 or so, and she sent her reply at 3:45, saying she'd forgotten to push "send." I asked if "he" was going with, she said "oh no." 

I wanted her to offer me something, but knew it would be unlikely. She was on her way to the party, then would be on her way home, and wouldn't be able to text. I tried to put it out of my mind, and some drinks and a movie with the wife helped. 

Anyway, she texted me this morning with the details. She isn’t great at just writing from the top of her mind, so I had to ask questions to get her started. I was at work, not yet signed in and the only one in the facility at that time. Her account was pretty hot, and I wound up jacking off while she was telling me everything (she knew I was, and liked that I was, but didn’t want any pictures.)

More importantly, she confirmed what I’d already known, that she really thinks she wants a relationship with this guy, and he does too. She doesn’t know how or when she’ll be ready to leave B for good, but she wants to move back here (our home town) and have her own place. I'll be pleasantly surprised if she sticks to that plan, and I'll keep my fingers crossed. I want her to be happy, and if this guy is the way to that for her then I'm all in.

As long as there's still room for me.

It Shouldn't Be Like This

I shouldn’t be this bothered by it, but I am and I’m not certain why. I can guess, but none of my guesses feel right. I’m not exactly jealous, but I will admit to being envious because of what I can’t have that someone else does.

She told me two weeks ago, on a short, day visit, that she was “talking” with someone. No, they hadn’t fucked (nor even seen each other outside work) but they were texting and she wanted to fuck him. She’d sent him nudes but he hadn’t sent any in return.

She told me later that week that he was going to meet up with us at the St. Patrick’s Day parade downtown, then later thought she might call that off because it would be too risky. The wife would be there, which was one consideration, but she was also worried about coworkers seeing them and jumping to (the mostly correct) conclusions.

Then Saturday, while we’re downtown celebrating at various places, the fact that the parade had been cancelled led me to the erroneous conclusion that he wouldn’t show up. Except that he did, and the rest of the day was just an ambush of us (the wife and I) having to accept this is the way it is. Within an hour they weren’t even trying to be subtle about it anymore.

The plan was for her to stay the night with us; she’d already brought all her things in. The plan was after day drinking downtown, we (the three of us) would come home and have some drinks, watch a movie maybe. The plan was not for him to drive her to our house and join us. The plan was not for them to be on the couch, making out. The plan was not for her to finally drag him back to her room and spend the next few hours noisily fucking.

When I say that the plan was not all those things, I mean it wasn’t the plan that I was aware of. I don’t know if I believe her that it wasn’t her plan all along, at least in part. I do know that at no point were we asked if any of this was alright. It was thrust upon us and we were just expected to deal with it.

 The wife handled it better than I would have thought, especially considering she didn’t even have the warning that I did.

The next morning she apologized, and said she barely remembered the sex. She couldn’t tell me if he had a nice dick, or if she’d enjoyed the sex. I told her that from what we heard it must have been okay. I also told her that I didn’t like B blowing my phone up, asking where she was because she wasn’t answering when he tried texting or calling her. She apologized for that too, and thought it was going to cause problems for her when she got home.

While talking about what little she did remember, I was stroking myself while she watched. She showed me her tits and leered while I came. She went back to try to get some more sleep, and I jacked off again, hoping it would feel cleansing. Of course it didn’t.

When she came back out a while later, she still looked very rough. I told her I jacked off again while she was trying to sleep. She told me she played with herself twice thinking about having seen me cum. That made me feel a little better.

She also told me she didn’t know where this was going. She told him she wasn’t looking to leave B, and he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship either. She said she definitely wants to fuck him again, only this time while sober enough to remember everything. I told her when that happens I want to know all the details.

It felt easier this time than the last time, maybe because it all happened so fast I didn’t have time to think about it. Or maybe because I’m not stuck in the middle, trying to cover for her with the wife. The wife knows, and though she’s somewhat disappointed she knows L is going to make her own decisions.

Then yesterday she said he told her that he liked hanging out with us last week, and that he thought the wife and I were pretty cool. I don’t know if he really told her that, or if she said he did. I think he really did, because L doesn’t generally lie about something like that. It did answer the question of whether they were still talking. And from what she said, L is deeper into this than she’d let on earlier.

I told the wife enough for her to know that the two of them were still talking, and she just shook her head. L is going to make her own decisions, after all. The wife agrees that if it should happen, down the road, that L and this guy are officially together in some way we’d be fine with hanging out with them. We just don’t want to be in the middle of drama like the last time, seven years ago. (Holy shit, has it really been that long?!)

I told L “next time get some pictures for me” and she said he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like sending dick pictures, and didn’t really like her sending him the nudes. What a weirdo, right? She agreed, laughing. So I again reiterated that when round two happens, remember everything so I can get ALL the details. She told me she thinks it’ll be tomorrow (today, as I’m writing this.) She’s going to visit a friend here in town, but meet him beforehand. He lives somewhere between her town and here, so it will be easy. From what else she said, maybe he’s going with her to visit her friend; I don’t know.

I told her just to tell him that the pictures are for her brother, and he’d probably be fine with it. That got the expected “ROFL”, and I smiled.

I was fine for most of the night. A friend came over for dinner, the three of us watched a movie, had some drinks, then she left. The wife and I had another drink, maybe two, then started getting ready for bed.

With the TV off, and nothing to occupy my time, my buzz fell away and my thoughts teemed. I don’t know why I feel this… despondent? Is that too strong a word for this? I don’t know. I’m trying to be philosophical about it, if that’s a thing, reminding myself that it should be enough that she is in my life. Maybe there will sometimes be room for the other things we have, off and on, and maybe not. As long as she’s in my life, that should be enough.

But is it?