Happy Monday, everyb… ugh, I can’t do it. I’m still fighting off this cold, and I’m just not up to being that cheery. Sorry. I do hope you’re feeling better than I am, though.
Nothing much happened this weekend; the niece was sick too, so she stuck around most of the time. Even when she was gone, this cold has me feeling pretty cruddy so I wasn’t much up for sex. The wife and I did touch and hold each other more and we talked some more, just about us in general, and I think that’s helping.
I keep going bouncing between optimism and pessimism about how much will really change, though. The fact is, for whatever reason, the wife is sexually repressed (at least compared to me.) There was a time when our love-making was more vibrant and intimate, and she seemingly enjoyed it. But that feels so long ago that I can’t really say that she truly felt it even then (but I suspect she did.) I know my own moodiness and withdrawal, especially in the past three years or so, has been a factor, but it’s the chicken and egg thing; did my withdrawal cause her withdrawal, or did hers cause mine?
It could prove that the actual root cause will be important, but for now I think we need to focus on the now and not the past. We both need to be more engaged in our relationship and put other things on the back burner. For instance, she’s going to have to be willing to set aside the computer games now and then. It doesn’t mean she can’t play them at all, but I’d like to see them take less precedence for her on a day-to-day basis. The same with baseball; I want her to enjoy the games, but “we” need to be more important than “we” have been the past few years.
And for my part, I need to stop making L such a central focus of my life. That’s not easy for me to do, and I feel some anxiety when I think of it and the implications, but it’s just got to be that way. Of course I’m still her brother, and her friend, and I want to be there for her when she needs me. But I can’t keep obsessing about her, either in regards to what we used to be and how to get that back or what she might be doing with others. That doesn’t mean I won’t be writing about her, of course, and updating on her adventures. But I have to relegate myself to more of a bystander role.
That won’t be an overnight change either, of course. I caught myself a number of times this weekend falling into the same mental vortex, getting sucked into wondering and worrying about L. I’d start getting myself worked up over the past, thinking about things she’d said and done. And when I would realize that I was doing that, I would make an effort to wrench my attention away from her and towards the wife. I would force myself to start a conversation with her about something, anything, and actually concentrate on what she was saying instead of drifting off into my own thoughts. It helped, and I’m hoping that over time it will become easier and easier to do that.
We did get out of the house yesterday and go to the mall to shop for a new necklace for the wife. I gave her a heart medallion and chain almost 25 years ago, and she’s only had it off once since then for repairs. The heart is engraved, with Ich Liebe Dich on one side and our names on the other. Lately the grommet (or whatever it’s called) has worn down to the point where she’s worried it could break and she’d lose the pendant, and has been wanting a replacement. She was ready to buy something cheap from Groupon, but I wanted to do something more; it’s almost Valentine’s Day, and she deserves it.
The one we found is nothing special, really; it’s pretty enough (and if I I’m able to get an image here you’ll see for yourself) but not overly expensive. But we spent the time going to a few different stores and she picked it out as the one she likes best. It will take time for it to have the meaning her old one does, but that’s okay; we’ve got nothing but time.
That was my weekend; how was yours?
Nothing much happened this weekend; the niece was sick too, so she stuck around most of the time. Even when she was gone, this cold has me feeling pretty cruddy so I wasn’t much up for sex. The wife and I did touch and hold each other more and we talked some more, just about us in general, and I think that’s helping.
I keep going bouncing between optimism and pessimism about how much will really change, though. The fact is, for whatever reason, the wife is sexually repressed (at least compared to me.) There was a time when our love-making was more vibrant and intimate, and she seemingly enjoyed it. But that feels so long ago that I can’t really say that she truly felt it even then (but I suspect she did.) I know my own moodiness and withdrawal, especially in the past three years or so, has been a factor, but it’s the chicken and egg thing; did my withdrawal cause her withdrawal, or did hers cause mine?
It could prove that the actual root cause will be important, but for now I think we need to focus on the now and not the past. We both need to be more engaged in our relationship and put other things on the back burner. For instance, she’s going to have to be willing to set aside the computer games now and then. It doesn’t mean she can’t play them at all, but I’d like to see them take less precedence for her on a day-to-day basis. The same with baseball; I want her to enjoy the games, but “we” need to be more important than “we” have been the past few years.
And for my part, I need to stop making L such a central focus of my life. That’s not easy for me to do, and I feel some anxiety when I think of it and the implications, but it’s just got to be that way. Of course I’m still her brother, and her friend, and I want to be there for her when she needs me. But I can’t keep obsessing about her, either in regards to what we used to be and how to get that back or what she might be doing with others. That doesn’t mean I won’t be writing about her, of course, and updating on her adventures. But I have to relegate myself to more of a bystander role.
That won’t be an overnight change either, of course. I caught myself a number of times this weekend falling into the same mental vortex, getting sucked into wondering and worrying about L. I’d start getting myself worked up over the past, thinking about things she’d said and done. And when I would realize that I was doing that, I would make an effort to wrench my attention away from her and towards the wife. I would force myself to start a conversation with her about something, anything, and actually concentrate on what she was saying instead of drifting off into my own thoughts. It helped, and I’m hoping that over time it will become easier and easier to do that.
We did get out of the house yesterday and go to the mall to shop for a new necklace for the wife. I gave her a heart medallion and chain almost 25 years ago, and she’s only had it off once since then for repairs. The heart is engraved, with Ich Liebe Dich on one side and our names on the other. Lately the grommet (or whatever it’s called) has worn down to the point where she’s worried it could break and she’d lose the pendant, and has been wanting a replacement. She was ready to buy something cheap from Groupon, but I wanted to do something more; it’s almost Valentine’s Day, and she deserves it.
The one we found is nothing special, really; it’s pretty enough (and if I I’m able to get an image here you’ll see for yourself) but not overly expensive. But we spent the time going to a few different stores and she picked it out as the one she likes best. It will take time for it to have the meaning her old one does, but that’s okay; we’ve got nothing but time.
That was my weekend; how was yours?
Maybe you need a hot tub. When my wife and get in the hot tub with a nice cool beer, that's about the only time I really open up and talk to her. Maybe it would work for you two.
ReplyDeleteThat's not a bad idea, James. The problem is once she tried it and realized it was taking away time from her Candy Crush and other games, shed stop using it. I can be drunk, alone and depressed right there on the couch, with her beside me, without spending the extra money.
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