"Cheating" Makes it Sound Bad

Tom at Three Spelling Mistakes asks this week “What’s worse: Cheating or Divorcing?” I don’t pretend to have the answer for anyone else, of course, but for me divorcing would be far worse than cheating. At least as far as my initiating the divorce is concerned.

I’ve said before that I would be okay with the wife leaving me for someone else, as long as she would be happy. But I’m not going to leave her, and though I cheat I’ll do everything in my power to not get caught. That would hurt her, whether she decided ultimately to stay with me or to leave, and I just don’t want to do that. And yes, I know that if I’m cheating I’m always taking that chance on being found out, but that’s just something I have to work around.

I’m not sure, though, how it is that casual sex outside of marriage got such a bad reputation. I’m not talking about falling in love with someone else and fucking while planning to leave your spouse for that person. I understand that aspect of “cheating”, where the unknowing spouse will lose the affection and security to which they’ve grown accustomed. To me, that’s a different situation entirely. If you know you no longer want to be with your spouse, then end the marriage before you start fucking around. Neither of you are helped by staying in a marriage that is essentially over.

But in my case, I don’t want someone to replace the wife; I do love her, for all the complaining I do on here. I wish I could simply tell her that I need a variety of sex to feel fulfilled, and though I understand that she doesn’t want to be as adventurous as I do, I still have the need for it. In a perfect world, I could convince her that I’m not going to leave her for whatever sex partner I might get involved with; it’s just sex, probably with some level of affection, but not love. And I’d be fine with her doing the same thing. We could either talk about our flings, or not, depending on her feelings about it, and of course we would both be as safe as possible.

But that’s a pipe dream, of course. She, like so many other people, ties sex and intimacy closely together, and can’t imagine having sex with someone unless “forever love” is attached to it. And that’s fine for her; I just wish she’d understand that’s not how I feel about it. With another hat tip to Tom, wouldn’t it be nice if sex were seen as just another biological function like eating, with no more significance on it and who you do it with? “Honey, I was having lunch with Carol today and she said to tell you that bacon is on sale at the Piggly Wiggly.” Replace “lunch” with “sex” and it would be a perfect world.

So yes, I cheat, but I do it because I have no intention of leaving the wife. Does that make it okay? Probably not in most people’s eyes, but it’s an ethical distinction for me and I can live with it.