In response to what I posted about L yesterday, Advizor54 and James from Break Out left comments that really helped. James’ comments, while not anything I didn’t already know, somehow struck a chord with me and made me put things in much better perspective.
Can we all agree that if your wife left youtomorrow and B was out of the picture, that even then, you and L would not be together in a husband and wife relationship?
This part of James’ comment hit home because it’s something I fantasize about (too) often. Assuming the wife was happy, and we split in a way that I could be guilt free, the first thing I’d do is ask L to move in with me. I’d offer it as no-strings-attached; she wouldn’t be living at MY place, we would be living at OUR place, as roommates. I would not kick her out if she didn’t want any shenanigans to ensue or try to guilt her into doing something, and she could date whomever she wanted just like I would.
I think inevitably there would be times we would share a bed, but we’d have our own rooms and it would be entirely up to her if something happened or not. And if she wanted us to live as a couple, however much we’d have to hide it from the outside, I’d be fine with that too. I don’t think that part would be likely, and it’s something that if she said it’s what she wanted at first, I’d know there would always be the chance she’d change her mind later (which would also be okay, as long as she told me upfront and didn’t try to deceive me about it.)
Anyway, the point is that James is right, we certainly wouldn’t be in a steady, stable “couple” relationship.
You have someone you care for deeply, you can occasionally have sex with and, she is willing to share details (and pictures) of her sex life. Most guys would kill to have a fiend like that. If you can't accept that amount of goodness and recognize that the rest of the fantasy is just that, you should break it all off.
This is the perspective that I’ve been missing, forgetting that L is my friend. She’s my sister whom I love and want to protect; she’s been my lover, and though I’m sad that she doesn’t want that anymore (at least not for now) I need to remember that it was something I never had any right to expect in the first place. But most importantly, she’s my friend. We’ve often said of each other that we’re “besties for life, no matter what.” And I haven’t been living up to my end in that respect.
I know that L tells me some things precisely because she knows it makes me jealous. We’re so much alike in a lot of ways, and this is one of them. My being jealous is a boost to her ego, and sometimes we all need that boost. She’s admitted to being jealous of my interests in the past (she knows, in general, about Simplicity and I told her about A, the co-worker from a previous job I had a crush on for a while) and I get a little charge out of it. I also feel bad that she is angry or hurt, but that doesn’t stop my pursuits; I certainly can’t expect her to stop hers just because I’m hurt by them.
If I’m truly her friend, she should be able to talk openly and freely with me about anything, even making out with another guy out of the blue. As the protective big brother I don’t want her to do something rash that she’ll regret later, but as her friend I have to recognize that she makes her own decisions, and I can’t protect her from herself. If I were in the same situation, meeting a school friend to talk about something but after a few drinks it turned into a make out session, I’d be pretty pissed if she acted like I’d done something wrong. And if I told her I considered fucking the girl, even though she wasn’t really my “type”, I’d want her to be excited for me, like a friend would be. I’d also want her to feel at least a twinge of jealousy, but mostly I’d want her to be on my side.
Like James said, most guys would kill for a friendship like what I have with L; occasional sex, sharing pictures (sometimes), sharing details of our interactions with others, and someone to talk to about most anything. I have this type of friendship with Simplicity, and I don’t fuck that up with petty jealousies; I should be happy to have it with L as well without the hard feelings.
Of course this won’t happen overnight, as there are other dynamics at play. But it does give me a new perspective, and I think I will be able to handle things at least a little better going forward. Admittedly, it’s a little easier today because yesterday L told me she told M that she just can’t be playing with him like this. She doesn’t feel anything for him and never saw him in “that” way and still doesn’t. She said he sent her another dick picture after she told him that (which is a red flag in itself) and that it did nothing at all for her. For whatever reason, I feel less conflicted about her doings with TOG than I do about what she would have done (and, let’s face it, still might do) with M.
Whatever her motives for wanting to tell me the details, and wanting to share with me whatever she wants to share, how it affects me is my problem, not hers. I have to step up and be the friend that she has every right to expect me to be.
Can we all agree that if your wife left youtomorrow and B was out of the picture, that even then, you and L would not be together in a husband and wife relationship?
This part of James’ comment hit home because it’s something I fantasize about (too) often. Assuming the wife was happy, and we split in a way that I could be guilt free, the first thing I’d do is ask L to move in with me. I’d offer it as no-strings-attached; she wouldn’t be living at MY place, we would be living at OUR place, as roommates. I would not kick her out if she didn’t want any shenanigans to ensue or try to guilt her into doing something, and she could date whomever she wanted just like I would.
I think inevitably there would be times we would share a bed, but we’d have our own rooms and it would be entirely up to her if something happened or not. And if she wanted us to live as a couple, however much we’d have to hide it from the outside, I’d be fine with that too. I don’t think that part would be likely, and it’s something that if she said it’s what she wanted at first, I’d know there would always be the chance she’d change her mind later (which would also be okay, as long as she told me upfront and didn’t try to deceive me about it.)
Anyway, the point is that James is right, we certainly wouldn’t be in a steady, stable “couple” relationship.
You have someone you care for deeply, you can occasionally have sex with and, she is willing to share details (and pictures) of her sex life. Most guys would kill to have a fiend like that. If you can't accept that amount of goodness and recognize that the rest of the fantasy is just that, you should break it all off.
This is the perspective that I’ve been missing, forgetting that L is my friend. She’s my sister whom I love and want to protect; she’s been my lover, and though I’m sad that she doesn’t want that anymore (at least not for now) I need to remember that it was something I never had any right to expect in the first place. But most importantly, she’s my friend. We’ve often said of each other that we’re “besties for life, no matter what.” And I haven’t been living up to my end in that respect.
I know that L tells me some things precisely because she knows it makes me jealous. We’re so much alike in a lot of ways, and this is one of them. My being jealous is a boost to her ego, and sometimes we all need that boost. She’s admitted to being jealous of my interests in the past (she knows, in general, about Simplicity and I told her about A, the co-worker from a previous job I had a crush on for a while) and I get a little charge out of it. I also feel bad that she is angry or hurt, but that doesn’t stop my pursuits; I certainly can’t expect her to stop hers just because I’m hurt by them.
If I’m truly her friend, she should be able to talk openly and freely with me about anything, even making out with another guy out of the blue. As the protective big brother I don’t want her to do something rash that she’ll regret later, but as her friend I have to recognize that she makes her own decisions, and I can’t protect her from herself. If I were in the same situation, meeting a school friend to talk about something but after a few drinks it turned into a make out session, I’d be pretty pissed if she acted like I’d done something wrong. And if I told her I considered fucking the girl, even though she wasn’t really my “type”, I’d want her to be excited for me, like a friend would be. I’d also want her to feel at least a twinge of jealousy, but mostly I’d want her to be on my side.
Like James said, most guys would kill for a friendship like what I have with L; occasional sex, sharing pictures (sometimes), sharing details of our interactions with others, and someone to talk to about most anything. I have this type of friendship with Simplicity, and I don’t fuck that up with petty jealousies; I should be happy to have it with L as well without the hard feelings.
Of course this won’t happen overnight, as there are other dynamics at play. But it does give me a new perspective, and I think I will be able to handle things at least a little better going forward. Admittedly, it’s a little easier today because yesterday L told me she told M that she just can’t be playing with him like this. She doesn’t feel anything for him and never saw him in “that” way and still doesn’t. She said he sent her another dick picture after she told him that (which is a red flag in itself) and that it did nothing at all for her. For whatever reason, I feel less conflicted about her doings with TOG than I do about what she would have done (and, let’s face it, still might do) with M.
Whatever her motives for wanting to tell me the details, and wanting to share with me whatever she wants to share, how it affects me is my problem, not hers. I have to step up and be the friend that she has every right to expect me to be.
