Flash Fiction Friday - "Quiet on the Set!" 4/25

Word Limit: 250
Bonus Words: All words in French are free!
Required Phrase: "Ménage à trois," bien sûr!
Forbidden Phrase: "Let them eat (fill in the blank)." It's still too soon for me.
Extra Credit: Tell us which historic figure you'd most like to French kiss.

“Cut!” The director screamed; he was livid. “God damn it, Larry, you told me you could do a French accent!”

“I can! Bien sur. See?”

“That’s Italian, you fucking moron!”

Lucy, the “talent,” rolled her eyes. “How am I supposed to make a ménage a trois look sexy with these guys, Alan? That vein bulging on your forehead is bigger than what they’re packing!”

“Oh, fuck you, bitch!”

“Jerry!”

“No, Alan, fuck this. This whole goddamned shoot is ridiculous. These costumes, these wigs for fucks sake! And this fucked out cunt is going to criticize my package!? Try a fucking Kegel exercise once in a while, Loosy!”

“Don’t kid yourself, Ant Man,” Larry said, smirking. “That toothpick you got would make the gap between Michael Straham’s teeth feel like the Grand Canyon. How’s that accent, Alan?”

“Still Italian, Larry.” Alan’s head was throbbing. “Look, don’t say another word while we’re filming. Just go down on her. You’ll be deaf and dumb in this scene.”

“Emphasis on dumb,” Lucy muttered.

“Lucy, your mouth should be too full of cock to say anything. Start sucking Jerry’s dick, and act like you enjoy it. Jerry, can you stay hard long enough for us to get some footage?”

“I could if there were any good looking women aro- OW!” Every man on the set winced in sympathy.

Lucy smiled icily. “That was a warning, putz. Next time I’ll bite it off!”

“Goddamn it, Alan!” Jerry screamed.

“Just don’t break the skin, Lucy! Now; get ready, everyone… and, action!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back before the internet made such things obsolete, the wife and I used to rent porn on VHS from a local video store. The wife would always insist on getting something with at least a bit of a story in it, even though she’d wind up fast-forwarding through the boring bits (some call it “dialogue”) to get to the sex scenes. (As for me, I preferred the longer tapes with a series of two-minute cum shot clips.)

Anyway, one film we got had a “story” about (I think) a porn actor from Germany coming to America to do a shoot. In one scene he’s at a party with some of his fellow actors and raging at them about how much easier the American actors have it here than in Germany. There, he told them, the sound is always dubbed in, so everyone is talking and joking around while the actors are trying to do their sex scenes. He had a lot of other complaints, but that’s the main one that stuck with me. (Somehow, about two years later, we wound up renting the same movie by accident. I only remembered that we’d seen it before when he started bitching about the conditions.)

Ever since then, “professional” porn just doesn’t do much for me; I keep imagining the set to be pretty much like what I wrote above. Besides, I love the thought of “real” people, someone you might have passed earlier in Kroger or met at the gym, sucking and fucking on camera and posting it online for free!

And Tom, I hate to be a wet blanket, but I really can’t think of any historic figure I’d want to French kiss , or do anything else with sexually. There are some I’d like to meet and talk to (assuming there’d be no language barriers) but I’ve never had fantasies about hooking up with any of them.

But you don't have to fantasize about reading more fine FFF entries; head over to Three Spelling Mistakes to find the rest.