Look Who's Back

Hello? tap tap Is this thing on?

Hey, y’all; is there anybody out there? Will anybody know I posted this?

Well, maybe it doesn’t matter. This blog was always meant to be my way of (mostly) anonymously venting about my problems. Sure I wanted readers, and praise for my writing when it was deserved (or even if it wasn’t.) And I guess a part of me hopes that some of you will read this and be happy that I posted something.

Let me catch up on some things, I guess. I made it through the winter months fairly well; the winter blues didn’t do me in like they have in the past. I don’t know what was different this year than in the past; maybe just a better attitude about things in general, and not being so hard on myself or so easily frustrated with the wife.

I haven’t lost the weight I’ve been trying to lose for two-plus years now. I get down a little bit, then I go off the rails again and put it all back on (with interest!) That doesn’t stop me from trying, though, and this time I will do better! Or not; we’ll see.

Back in March the wife went to Germany for 2 weeks. I’ve been encouraging her to go for some time because her mother is in bad health. Not only is she physically declining, she has dementia and it’s really starting to show. So I’ve told the wife that she needs to go while she can, but she kept refusing. But her sisters insisted, and even offered to buy the tickets (assuming, I suppose, that I am too poor to buy her a ticket) and that was enough to convince her.

She was gone for two weeks, and though I’ve been good since last year I have to admit that my first thought was to wonder if some shenanigans could ensue. Twice I was able to spend uninterrupted time with L, and we could have done anything we wanted (B was at work and we had the house to ourselves) but she wasn’t buying what I was selling. Hell, I couldn’t even give it away!

And I was actually fine with that. We had a good time together both evenings, and things seemed fine for the most part between us. I’m a little pissed about something she said (concerning the wife), and it would seem to indicate that there’s not much chance that we’ll ever be as close as we were before, but I suppose we’ll continue to get along well enough.

Meanwhile, Simplicity suggested that we get together for a platonic dinner (respecting my wish to be good), so we met on a Saturday evening to grab a bite. I wanted to try out a newish place between both of our cities and she agreed. When we got there I was worried that I might have made a mistake, because it didn’t look like much of anything from the outside. Inside was a little better, but still had a “cafeteria” feel to it (for my part.) But the food was actually pretty darn good, and they had beer (for me) and some girly drink (for Simplicity) that I can’t remember the name of.

After eating, we walked around the block a few times, then we decided to head back to where we’d met. During the drive we held hands and continued talking, and I finally admitted that I’d wanted to kiss her all night. (Actually, I may or may not have used the word “fuck” but I’m not certain.) The feeling was clearly mutual, so I decided to swing by the old office to see if anyone was there. Nobody was there, fortunately, so we went inside, locked the doors, and kept the lights off. Kissing led to touching and biting and licking and pulling clothes off and sucking and fucking and it was hot and wet and dirty and so goddamned good and over too quick.

We cleaned up as best we could and straightened up furniture that might have been moved around a bit, then left giggling and feeling good. I dropped Simplicity off at her car after another kiss goodnight and slept better that night than I had all week, I think.

Sunday afternoon, though, Simplicity started being mean to me. She texted me saying that she was eating Mexican food; normally that would have been okay, but I was having a few beers and smoking a cigar, and I immediately started craving Mexican food. I don’t like going to restaurants alone, plus I’d been drinking, so here I am with a craving and nothing to do about it! When she later texted that they were having margaritas, I couldn’t take it and called her a heartless bitch! (All in good fun, of course.)

The girl I used to work with a few years ago, the one I wrote briefly about before in a post called “The Saint Patrick’s Day Massacre”, and I also had a “date” the following Friday night. I’ve had a crush on her for a while, but always figured my chances were nil after that afore-mentioned massacre (I finally got the nerve to tell her I was interested and she gently shot me down.) I texted her on a whim to see how things were going, and thought about asking if she’d like to get some dinner. I didn’t expect anything to happen, but you never know, right?

As it happens, she virtually invited me to go out; she made it a point for me to know that she was free the upcoming weekend (her ex-boyfriend would have their daughter), and when I kind of zoned on that obvious hint she said “So if you’re bored while the wife is away and want to do anything, let me know!” Even I’m not that dense, so we made arrangements to go to dinner.

I was admittedly preoccupied with thoughts of what might happen, and how I could steer events in that direction, but ultimately I was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger when it counted. I had opportunities where I could have tried something; after dinner (Mexican) and drinks (Margaritas)  we were back at her place drinking some wine and watching TV (we were going to play Wii, but it turned out her ex-boyfriend has it.) We were sitting comfortably close together on her couch, but she was kind of sitting forward so I reached over and started scratching her back (over her shirt.) She indicated that she enjoyed that, so after a few minutes I started giving her a shoulder and back rub.

Now shoulder rubs are my go-to move when I want to try to get something going with a girl. (By “go-to move” I mean that it worked once before, years ago.) We continued to talk, and I thought about leaning forward to nuzzle/kiss around her neck; that’s the important part of the move and will let you know immediately if the person in question is interested in more than a quick massage. But the angle we were sitting at on the couch just didn’t lend itself to making the move without a lot of shifting and moving and generally telegraphing that I’m sitting up and leaning forward and… well, you get the picture.

I let a great opportunity slip through my fingers when she kind of cooed and said “Wow! I’ve had dinner, drinks, and now a nice massage. What else could a girl want?” My head (I don’t know which one) was screaming to say “How about a kiss?” in that low, sexy voice that turns knees to water and get girls all buttery in their nether regions. Not that I have that low, sexy voice, but that’s how I wanted to say it. But before I got around to it, she started talking about something else and the moment was gone.

I left around 1 a.m., tired and frustrated with myself for not having made a stronger move. Trying and being slapped down again would have been preferable to the feeling that maybe she did want something and I lost my chance. On the other hand, I don’t think I was too subtle either; the massage, the touches, even some of the points of conversations should have been enough for her to know I was sending signals. She never indicated that she was uncomfortable with my signals, but she also never did anything to encourage more. It’s entirely possible that she did, though, and I was too insecure to pick up on it. But it’s also possible that had I tried to push for more (by kissing her, for instance) and she wasn’t receptive, it would make her uncomfortable to be around me later and adversely affect our friendship.

Later on Saturday I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out again; if she’d said yes I was determined to kiss her before the night was out, and damned the consequences. She declined, saying she had too much cleaning and whatnot to do.

So it goes.

 Now the wife is back safe and sound, and we both had a nice vacation, so I can’t complain too much. There’s a new motorcycle that’s caught my eye; I want it, but I know the smarter, financially sound decision is to wait another year to knock some of my debt down first. But I’m impatient, and I really like the bike. It will interesting to see which side will win the debate over the next week or so.

Rough Day

My company is downsizing around 7000 positions worldwide (about 10% of our workforce), and today our little back-water office took its hits. Fortunately my job wasn’t one that was eliminated, but it kind of feels like it was a close call. The Director, my boss’s boss, told me that my position was staying but being reorganized into a different department and would take on some additional responsibilities. I was given the choice to accept the new position (same pay and benefits) or take a severance package. It was a pretty easy decision to make!

Two of my coworkers were given basically the same choice with their jobs, and they too decided to stay; I imagine it was a pretty easy choice for them as well. Unfortunately, six other coworkers weren’t so lucky and were terminated. It’s a tough loss, as all of them were good people and most of them were good workers.

I’ll especially miss Myna*, the lesbian who worked in the warehouse. (The other woman who works in the warehouse is probably a lesbian too, but I don’t have direct confirmation of that.) Myna and I got along pretty well, and especially in the past month as we’ve encouraged each other in our exercise and weight-loss efforts. She and I have a lot in common, though apparently only one of us is willing to suck a cock.

I’m going to take the wife to dinner tonight, and probably have a stiff drink or three when we get home.  

Happy New Year

Yes, I know, that's not a very original title right now. I want to write about a few minor things, but it's all so incredibly boring that I don't know if it's worthwhile. I guess I will, though, if for no other reason than to make sure I have at least one post in 2015. I mean, there may (or may not) be others, but if not at least there will be one. For what that's worth.

Anyway, between a combination of paid holidays and vacation, I worked two days Christmas week and one day New Years (this) week. And of course I'm dreading going back next week just because of having to get back into the swing of things. And I really have to concentrate on being productive and not wasting so much time on the internet.

The really big news from work is that my company is getting bought out by our rival company, which leads to a lot of uncertainty. Coupled with some economic factors, and some jobs could be in jeopardy either over the next few months or the end of the year when the hurdles have all been cleared for the buyout. Most people think our local office, with the specifics that we do, will be safe but we just don't know if either the current company or the new one will be able to afford keeping everyone on. And I'm just an office administrator who doesn't add anything directly to the bottom line.

But screw it; there's little I can do outside of just trying to be as indispensable as possible.

The wife and I went to my folks for Christmas as we always do, then later that evening went to a movie and to our favorite Asian restaurant for sushi. As both of our biggest gifts were already given earlier in the month, we didn't exchange many gifts between ourselves. In fact, other than money for the two nieces who are still under the cut-off age of 18 and restaurant gift cards for my parents, we didn't spend much money at all for Christmas. Personally I'd just as soon not exchange gifts with my parents; we give them gift cards and they give us cash (like they do for all their kids) and a small gift. For me the best part of the day is just going over there and eating too much while catching up with parts of the extended family I don't see the rest of the year. At almost 50, gifts I don't need are the last thing I want to get.

The best gift I got from the wife (outside the quickie we had Christmas morning before going to my parents) was permission to go to the Cowboys/Redskins game in Landover MD. (Yes, I'm an adult and could have gone without her permission, but I think any married man will admit that having the seal of approval from the wife to do something is infinitely better.)

Z and I wound up going (I'd originally wanted to take the wife, but she couldn't get Monday off from work) and had a pretty good time, but I'm not going to go into the details because it's just too boring. We drank a lot of beer, talked long into the night after the game, and headed back Monday morning not too badly hungover. I didn't blow Z, but I did offer to just to be polite, and we showed each other our junk. Like I said; boring stuff.

The wife and I tried going to a bar for NYE that was having a live band, but it turned out to be a heavy metal band so we left. We came back home and had some drinks while watching a football game, then went to bed around 11:45. I thought we'd make it to midnight, but apparently we both fell asleep a few minutes too early; I woke up around 1:30 a.m. with the TV still on and her snoring merrily away. We laughed about it the next morning.

Anyway, I hope you all had a good (or at least tolerable) Christmas, and that the New Year turns out better than the last.

Short Story - Beginning

Linder and Dorian drained their mugs while Linder signaled the barkeep to bring another pitcher. “Look, Dorian, I understand you had a bad day-“

“Bad day, hell!” Dorian interrupted. “Every day is bad when you’re a slave!”

Linder rolled his eyes and sighed. “Let’s not start this shit again, okay?”

“Well what else would you call it?” Dorian demanded.

“It’s no worse than being their employees, really. We work our shifts, we’re fed and housed, we…” Linder floundered. “I mean, we don’t get paid, but what would we need money for anyway? All in all, I think we have it pretty good. My grandfather talks about how things were before, and believe you me, we are a hell of a lot better off than people were just 50 years ago.”

“Oh yea?” Dorian remarked snidely. “If we have it so good, let’s go out of town tomorrow. We’ll just up and leave for, oh I don’t know, let’s say two weeks.”

“You know we can’t do that; we both have to work.”

“Aha! You admit it, then; the biggest thing we don’t have is freedom!”

“Oh for fucks sake, Dorian! You couldn’t just up and leave in the old days either! If you had a job, you had to go in every day, and you had to schedule your time off if you wanted to get away.”

“Bullshit, Linder! A free man could have left anytime he wanted! Nobody would use these,” he slammed his arm on the table, the bulge from the tracker prominent, “to track you down and drag you back! The worst that would happen is you’d get fired.”

“And what do you think happens now? Yes, they track you down and bring you back, but then you just get transferred to another site.” Linder poured them both fresh glasses from the pitcher the barkeep left at their table.

“Oh, Linder,” Dorian sighed, losing his heart for the argument. “If you can’t see the difference, I just don’t know what to tell you. It’s about freedom, and choices. We don’t have those things now because we are slaves.”

Linder drank from his beer and quietly said “So what if we are? What’s the big deal? Like I said before, we aren’t mistreated; we’re fed and housed; they don’t overwork us; we get excellent medical care. What more do you want?”

“They only do all those things because sick or dead slaves aren’t any use to them.”

“I say again: so what? We live under a benevolent dictatorship, and we’ve got it pretty good all in all. I may not be able to up and leave tomorrow without notice, but I can get permission to go just about anywhere I want, and without a lot of hassle about it. And so can you, Dorian. You have essentially the same freedom now that you’d have had under the old way of doing things.”

“You think so, huh kid?”

“I know so. Look, Dorian, you’ve been mouthing off about this for how long now, a couple of months?” Dorian grunted his agreement. “I don’t know what got you on that kick, but in all that time has anything happened to you? You haven’t been particularly quiet while complaining about our being slaves, and how we should rise up against the oppressors, have you? But no jack-booted thugs have bust in the door and dragged you off to never be seen again, have they?”

Dorian drained his glass and stood up. “Linder, m’boy, when you’re right you’re right, and you are right. Everything is peachy, and I’m an old, drunken fool to complain about it.”

“Ah, now listen, Dorian, I didn’t mean-“

“It’s okay, son. I’m going home to sleep it off, so I can be right as rain in the morning for my mas… for my employer. Don’t stay out late, kid.”

Linder sighed. “Be careful, old man. Call me tomorrow.” Dorian threw him a wave as he made his way out the door, then he was gone.

Linder swiped his chit for the beer they’d drunk, and a quick mental calculation later he resolved to make sure Dorian paid next time. His rations were almost gone and it was only mid-month; Dorian would have to dig into his allotment for the next night or two to balance accounts.

*********** 

This is the start of a story idea I’ve had kicking around for a little while; is anybody interested in seeing where it goes? I honestly don’t know how I’ll get to where I see the end, or if the end will even look like I think it will now. And just to be up front about it, I might not even get to an end.

It won’t be a sex story, but there may be (or not) sexual situations, and because I write what I know those sexual situations could be kind of out there. Anyway, let me know what you think, and if I should try to continue.

I Should Probably Work on That.

During one of my (increasingly rare) visits to Facebook the other day, I clicked on a link to an article on relationships a FB friend shared. Though it did have some mind-numbingly obvious statements like “contempt for each other is the number one reason relationships fail” (I’m paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it), some of the information was pretty interesting.

The article was about researchers who studied couples six years after they were married to find the differences between the couples that were still “happily” married and those who were divorced or “chronically unhappy.” The article did not, as far as I can remember, specify how they differentiated between “happy” and “chronically unhappy”, or how they could be sure that people who claimed to be happy truly were, but let’s just take their word that they know what they’re doing, at least for the moment.

It seems that one big factor in couples remaining happily together (outside of the whole not having contempt for each other thing) is the number of times one responds to one’s partner’s “bids.” They describe “bids” as the requests for attention made throughout the parts of the day a couple spends together. For instance, if your spouse or SO makes a comment on an article they are reading, they are looking for a connection that goes beyond the article; they simply want an acknowledgement perhaps a brief (but meaningful) dialogue about it.

Couples that are still happily together respond to 87% of each other’s “bids”, while those who are divorced or chronically unhappy tend to only respond to 33% of the attempts. It’s not just responding, though; it also depends on how you respond. If you mutter “okay” or “uh huh” or something without really giving any attention, or respond with hostility (“stop bothering me while I’m reading”) it’s just as bad as if you completely ignore the bid. In either case, you’re subtly making your spouse feel worthless and invisible, which obviously affects their feelings towards you.

(This is a gross generalization of the article; I highly recommend reading it in entirety instead of relying on my quick synopsis as there is a good bit of other information in there.)

I definitely see myself, at this point in my marriage, as someone who probably doesn’t respond to the wife’s bids as often as I should. I “turn away” instead of “turn toward” more often than not, especially when I’m reading. Sometimes it’s unintentional; I’m really into what I’m reading and it takes several moments before I register that she was saying something. Other times I purposefully give the minimal “uh huh” in the hopes that she’ll get the hint that I’m not interested and wish she would not continue.

In my defense, she does tend to keep up a steady stream of babbling; if they’re all bids, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to respond to more than 45% or 50% of them and still have time to do things like sleeping and masturbating. And of course she does the same to me, except in general I’d say her “turn aways” are far more likely due to her being engrossed in whatever she’s doing and genuinely not hearing me than intentional neglect. Besides, I’ve pretty much stopped making a lot of bids.

Anyway, it’s an interesting article, and I think there’s a lot of validity to their findings.

Checking In

Just some odds and ends to catch up, and assure those of you I don’t communicate with on a regular basis that I’m still alive and kicking.

Things are mostly the same with the wife and me, which is to say that they’re right back to where we were last year at this time. I guess I didn’t really think anything would change, but I had hoped. Really, it’s not bad though. When I’m not spending most of the day moping around and feeling sorry for myself, it doesn’t bother me that much. She spends her time on her computer, I spend time reading, and we kind of half-assed spend time together. Sex is just something to do when masturbation gets boring, and though she’ll tolerate me going down on her for a minute or two I don’t bother with it much. Why should I if she doesn’t get anything out of it?

I’ve also pretty much given up on making any of what I consider the “first moves” to initiate sex. I don’t try to rub her ass when we’re in the kitchen, or reach around to caress her from behind or nuzzle or play in any way. Again, why bother? She sometimes tolerates it, but usually I just get “Honey, please!” So holding hands on the couch (when she’s not too busy with her games) will have to suffice, and if she wants to have sex she’ll just have to tell me. At which point we’ll go back to the bedroom, she’ll blow me for a few minutes, and then lay back and soon it’s over. If she wants something I’ll get her toy and watch (and sometimes touch, if she wants me to) as she gets off.

L continues her campaign of cutting us out of just about all physical involvement in her life. We still text during the week, but it’s mostly just pleasantries; nothing of any real substance and not even much of that. I stopped initiating text conversations with her (unless it’s something important, which it never is) but will respond if she says something. Maybe I’m being stubborn, and maybe she is too, but fuck it, right? I can’t be the only one making an effort. It may be best to let her just fade out of our lives altogether; it seems like what she wants anyway.

I’ve decided to give up sodas, at least for a while, though I honestly don’t know what I expect to happen from it. For the past two weeks I cut back to just one a day, and on Friday I had the last one from the last case I bought so this weekend was my first soda-free (diet or otherwise) in… well, hell, I couldn’t tell you how long. It’s been at least 25 years, when I was in the Army and we’d go on maneuvers, and even then I’d have at least one each day if I could get to the store before we went. But again, I don’t know what I expect to happen; it’s just something to do.

The more I write here the less I want to post this, so I’d better stop before I just delete it altogether.

Weekend Update

Happy –Monday-- Tuesday, everyone! Another weekend has passed, much quicker than it ought to have, and here we are kicking off another week. I apologize for the lateness of this post, but mid-way through it yesterday I got busy at work and couldn’t finish it up.

There was nothing really big about my weekend; the weather was nice and the wife and I were able to get out and ride the bike both Saturday and Sunday. L and B were in town, but typically they didn’t make an effort to hang out with us or anything.

I didn’t do any spectacular cooking this weekend; we ate out for lunch Saturday and neither of us wanted any dinner Saturday night, so we just snacked and watched college football. Virginia Tech lost again, and it’s long past time anybody considers Frank Beamer and his assistants to be an elite coaching staff. I’m not even sure they should be considered adequate. The other games on were at least entertaining.

 We were supposed to take my mother and step-father out for lunch Sunday for their birthdays (his is on the 11th, hers is today) but she called Sunday morning and begged off because he hasn’t been feeling well. So the wife and I rode the bike into the city where I work and did some walking around and shopping before eating a nice lunch at Olive Garden. It was enough to hold us through to a late dinner, and I fried some tilapia and we made fish tacos.

The Cowboys won an ugly game against the Rams Sunday that they by all rights should have lost. The ‘Boys were down 21-0 early before scraping up enough offense to score 10 before the half. Then in the second half they got some key stops, made some plays, and held on to win 34-31. They got some lucky breaks, and at least one questionable call went their way, but these are the kinds of games that in the past few years they would have lost.

Sunday was also one of the rare times when I was rooting for the Washington football team because they were playing against the Eagles who are thus far undefeated. Of course that means Washington lost; had it been the other way, and I wanted the Eagles to win, Washington would have probably come out on top. Such is life.

That was pretty much the extent of my weekend, and honestly I don’t know that it will be significantly different from one week to the next going forward. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to get together with friends or anything, so we just stay home and do our thing. What I’m saying is, I probably won’t be posting regular updates anymore. It’s tedious to write the same thing week after week, and I imagine it’s tedious to read it as well.

If anything out of the norm happens and is interesting enough I’ll post about it, but otherwise I probably won’t bother. I’ll try to post FFF entries when I can, and may have the occasional story to relate, when I can work up the enthusiasm to write at all. I’m not going away, exactly, but I will most likely be far less active.