COVID-19 Comes to the Rescue

Well, kind of.

L and I were texting Friday about the virus, and I was explaining why social distancing works to slow the spread and why that's desirable. (The fact that I have to explain this to a full-grown adult is kind of sad, though, but L ain't the sharpest bowling ball in the chandelier.)

Later she texted "I'll have to come visit again. But we gotta work on sissy [L and the wife's nickname for each other] letting [boyfriend] come over too. He does really like y'all."

I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about my response. She didn't explicitly say that she wanted the wife to be on board with letting her and the guy stay the night here, but I suspect that's what she was getting at. I wanted to ask to confirm, but it honestly doesn't matter because I don't really feel comfortable even just hanging out with them with the situation as is, much less having them stay here fucking all night again. Finally I just responded "yea, he seems to be an alright dude."

Yes, I am a coward.

I told the wife last night about the text, wanting to know where we'd stand on the issue if and when L asks if they can come by. The wife surprised me by saying that, for the time being she doesn't want anyone coming by or going out to meet up with people. She's worried about the increased infections in our state, and with both of us having jobs where we can't work from home, we really can't afford taking any more risks than necessary of getting sick.

I wasn't convinced at first, but she made a some good points and won me over. It was an almost surprisingly reasonable argument between us, both staying calm and making our points, and she stuck to her guns without shutting down. It was nice.

Just so that we would be clear, though, I asked her if we took out the virus concerns how she would feel about it. We both definitely agree that seeing L on her own was fine and the two of them staying here overnight was a hard stop "no." We'd both be uncomfortable with the two of them coming here for a visit, but maybe would meet them out somewhere else.

The wife also reiterated that she would be fine with any of it if and when L and B are no longer together, but until that happens she wants to stay out of the drama. And to that I wholeheartedly agree!

But thanks to COVID-19, I don't have to go into any of that with L for the next month or so. Based on her past history, the chances of all this not blowing up in some way by then are less than 50/50, so by the time I no longer have the virus excuse it may all be settled. Or is that just wishful thinking?

Here's to Better Days

I’ve come to the conclusion (not for the first time, probably not the last) that the only way I can maintain any semblance of sanity is to distance myself from L. Obviously that doesn’t mean not seeing her; I still love her, as does the wife, and even if I did want us to stop hanging out, it would be difficult to explain to the wife.

But I do need to stop this infatuation, this obsession I have with L. I need to stop the innuendos, the offers of pics, the requests for details of her dalliances. Yes, it’s exciting and gratifying, but it also is part of why I go through such turmoil when she’s doing what she does. I need to stop thinking of her as a lover, or fuck-buddy, or sibling-with-benefits, and start thinking of her as my sister. Only my sister.

Of course, that’s much, much easier to type here than to do. It’s called “obsession” for a reason, and if it was easy to stop it wouldn’t really be an obsession, would it?

Case in point: last Saturday, more or less out of nowhere, she texted me, joking (so I thought) that she needed someone to practice kissing with. Me being me, I texted back that I volunteered and we had a chuckle over it. Now, this was after the stayover but before telling me she was planning to meet with the guy the next day.

Yesterday she explained that it wasn’t really that she needed practice kissing. She’s worried about something, and though I told her I’d never noticed it she’s gotten it in her head that this is a big deal and needs reassurance. I told her I’ll check on it the next time we’re together, but between us and this blog no kissing is necessary for this.

Today she texted me to ask if I was definitely volunteering to be the “kiss tester”. I contemplated telling her no, and explaining all the reasons why, but realized that would be such a bad idea at this point, especially over text. So I simply answered back “when have I ever not?” She laughed, said “true”, and we left it at that.

I’m kind of banking on it being a while before she has time to spend with us, and will likely have changed her mind by then. I’m hoping that if she hasn’t, I’ll have a plausible excuse not to (Covid-19, a cold sore, something along those lines.) But I also fantasize about how that conversation will go. Even in my fantasies I lose control of the narrative and fuck it up.

So now I'm outside, enjoying a nice cigar, a pleasant Scotch, and a calming buzz that's leaving me both content and a little melancholy for reasons I can't entirely explain, or even understand. I want to talk to someone about these feelings, and you, dear readers, are the chosen. It's not quite the same, as you aren't here to share in my cigars and Scotch (currently a 12-year-old Glen Fidditch), but it is an acceptable substitute. And if you don't have a taste for cigars and/or drink, that's okay.

Stay safe and virus free, my friends. I'll write again, soon or not, with an update of a hopefully better state of mind. It will take time, but I trust it will happen.

Shiver with antici...

pation,

The wife and I got moving early (for us) yesterday to get some things for a home improvement project we wanted to knock out. I threw myself into it in an attempt to keep my mind of what L was doing, but it didn’t work. I didn’t know what time she was going to meet him, so most of the day I wondered if they were fucking, getting ready to fuck, or already done fucking. I knew she was going to a birthday party for a friend of hers, but I didn’t know what time that would be. The uncertainty kept me unbalanced.

I kept hoping she'd text me, give me some kind of idea when she was leaving, when she'd be with him, when it was over. Early afternoon I sent her a picture of a small home improvement project the wife and (mostly) I had performed. She responded, saying I'd done a good job. I asked when she was going to the party, and she said 4. I'd sent that text at 2:30 or so, and she sent her reply at 3:45, saying she'd forgotten to push "send." I asked if "he" was going with, she said "oh no." 

I wanted her to offer me something, but knew it would be unlikely. She was on her way to the party, then would be on her way home, and wouldn't be able to text. I tried to put it out of my mind, and some drinks and a movie with the wife helped. 

Anyway, she texted me this morning with the details. She isn’t great at just writing from the top of her mind, so I had to ask questions to get her started. I was at work, not yet signed in and the only one in the facility at that time. Her account was pretty hot, and I wound up jacking off while she was telling me everything (she knew I was, and liked that I was, but didn’t want any pictures.)

More importantly, she confirmed what I’d already known, that she really thinks she wants a relationship with this guy, and he does too. She doesn’t know how or when she’ll be ready to leave B for good, but she wants to move back here (our home town) and have her own place. I'll be pleasantly surprised if she sticks to that plan, and I'll keep my fingers crossed. I want her to be happy, and if this guy is the way to that for her then I'm all in.

As long as there's still room for me.

It Shouldn't Be Like This

I shouldn’t be this bothered by it, but I am and I’m not certain why. I can guess, but none of my guesses feel right. I’m not exactly jealous, but I will admit to being envious because of what I can’t have that someone else does.

She told me two weeks ago, on a short, day visit, that she was “talking” with someone. No, they hadn’t fucked (nor even seen each other outside work) but they were texting and she wanted to fuck him. She’d sent him nudes but he hadn’t sent any in return.

She told me later that week that he was going to meet up with us at the St. Patrick’s Day parade downtown, then later thought she might call that off because it would be too risky. The wife would be there, which was one consideration, but she was also worried about coworkers seeing them and jumping to (the mostly correct) conclusions.

Then Saturday, while we’re downtown celebrating at various places, the fact that the parade had been cancelled led me to the erroneous conclusion that he wouldn’t show up. Except that he did, and the rest of the day was just an ambush of us (the wife and I) having to accept this is the way it is. Within an hour they weren’t even trying to be subtle about it anymore.

The plan was for her to stay the night with us; she’d already brought all her things in. The plan was after day drinking downtown, we (the three of us) would come home and have some drinks, watch a movie maybe. The plan was not for him to drive her to our house and join us. The plan was not for them to be on the couch, making out. The plan was not for her to finally drag him back to her room and spend the next few hours noisily fucking.

When I say that the plan was not all those things, I mean it wasn’t the plan that I was aware of. I don’t know if I believe her that it wasn’t her plan all along, at least in part. I do know that at no point were we asked if any of this was alright. It was thrust upon us and we were just expected to deal with it.

 The wife handled it better than I would have thought, especially considering she didn’t even have the warning that I did.

The next morning she apologized, and said she barely remembered the sex. She couldn’t tell me if he had a nice dick, or if she’d enjoyed the sex. I told her that from what we heard it must have been okay. I also told her that I didn’t like B blowing my phone up, asking where she was because she wasn’t answering when he tried texting or calling her. She apologized for that too, and thought it was going to cause problems for her when she got home.

While talking about what little she did remember, I was stroking myself while she watched. She showed me her tits and leered while I came. She went back to try to get some more sleep, and I jacked off again, hoping it would feel cleansing. Of course it didn’t.

When she came back out a while later, she still looked very rough. I told her I jacked off again while she was trying to sleep. She told me she played with herself twice thinking about having seen me cum. That made me feel a little better.

She also told me she didn’t know where this was going. She told him she wasn’t looking to leave B, and he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship either. She said she definitely wants to fuck him again, only this time while sober enough to remember everything. I told her when that happens I want to know all the details.

It felt easier this time than the last time, maybe because it all happened so fast I didn’t have time to think about it. Or maybe because I’m not stuck in the middle, trying to cover for her with the wife. The wife knows, and though she’s somewhat disappointed she knows L is going to make her own decisions.

Then yesterday she said he told her that he liked hanging out with us last week, and that he thought the wife and I were pretty cool. I don’t know if he really told her that, or if she said he did. I think he really did, because L doesn’t generally lie about something like that. It did answer the question of whether they were still talking. And from what she said, L is deeper into this than she’d let on earlier.

I told the wife enough for her to know that the two of them were still talking, and she just shook her head. L is going to make her own decisions, after all. The wife agrees that if it should happen, down the road, that L and this guy are officially together in some way we’d be fine with hanging out with them. We just don’t want to be in the middle of drama like the last time, seven years ago. (Holy shit, has it really been that long?!)

I told L “next time get some pictures for me” and she said he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like sending dick pictures, and didn’t really like her sending him the nudes. What a weirdo, right? She agreed, laughing. So I again reiterated that when round two happens, remember everything so I can get ALL the details. She told me she thinks it’ll be tomorrow (today, as I’m writing this.) She’s going to visit a friend here in town, but meet him beforehand. He lives somewhere between her town and here, so it will be easy. From what else she said, maybe he’s going with her to visit her friend; I don’t know.

I told her just to tell him that the pictures are for her brother, and he’d probably be fine with it. That got the expected “ROFL”, and I smiled.

I was fine for most of the night. A friend came over for dinner, the three of us watched a movie, had some drinks, then she left. The wife and I had another drink, maybe two, then started getting ready for bed.

With the TV off, and nothing to occupy my time, my buzz fell away and my thoughts teemed. I don’t know why I feel this… despondent? Is that too strong a word for this? I don’t know. I’m trying to be philosophical about it, if that’s a thing, reminding myself that it should be enough that she is in my life. Maybe there will sometimes be room for the other things we have, off and on, and maybe not. As long as she’s in my life, that should be enough.

But is it?