Happy Monday, everyone. If you watched yesterday’s Super Bowl, I bet you didn’t watch for long (unless you’re a Seahawks fan.) Even the commercials weren't worth watching.
This was a tough weekend over all, but only because I made it that way. I never did get around to talking to the wife about the counseling; I still plan to, but the timing just wasn’t right. The niece was gone Friday and Saturday, so it would have been a good time in that regard. And Saturday morning we had sex, which also would have been a good lead-in; we had plenty of time, no reason to not really enjoy ourselves, but it was the same old thing with her just seemingly wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible. Maybe I should have said something a little later, after we were done, but I just didn’t want the rest of the weekend to be awkward.
I’d finally decided that I would tell her Sunday morning, but that plan got messed up too. Saturday afternoon, L texted that she was thinking about coming in and spending the night with us since B was working if that was okay. I said of course it was, but then she started waffling that she might not be able to because she’d have to ask B and he always gives her shit about coming up here (because of his suspicions.) I told her that she was welcome if she did come.
Just before 5:00 she said that she was coming in, but that she was going to meet M (the guy from a few weeks ago) to help him with something. She immediately followed that with another text saying not to read into it, she just needed some outside friendship and companionship, and that was all. She said she’d be there close to 9.
I tried to take her at face value, and not let my imagination run wild, but then she sent another text just before 8 and said it would be later because they were still at the restaurant (he bought her dinner at Applebee’s), and he lived in the next county over. I asked how late it would be, and she said “M said late, like after 11.” It turned out to be almost midnight when she finally showed up.
I was mad at her, and disappointed, because it was clear that she was just using staying with us as a cover in case B got suspicious about what she was really doing, and also a place to stay so she wouldn’t have to be heading back to her area so late. I was tempted to tell her just to stay with M, because it was clear that “helping him do something” wasn’t the only thing on the agenda, but I didn’t. I knew it would sound to her like jealousy, but at that point it really wasn’t.
I told the wife a plausible excuse for why she was coming so late, and opined that as soon as L got there she’d probably say she was tired or had a headache and would want to go to bed immediately. However, when she got there we wound up staying up quite late talking. The wife hung in there until almost 1:00, but she’s fighting off a cold and had taken some Nyquil. Once she went to bed, L and I started really talking.
She apologized again for getting there so late, and I just bluntly asked if anything had happened. The final result after telling me everything was that they did everything but have full-on sex, because he couldn’t maintain an erection. She also said he had the smallest dick she’d ever seen on a full grown man and doesn’t know if it would have worked out anyway. They played around and he tried to enter her, but it just wouldn’t happen.
I asked if she at least got anything out of it, and she said no, that she still is so hung up on Scott and (even she admitted) the relationship they should have had, that she just couldn’t get into it. She said he was skilled at oral, and she was wet, but just never could let it go and be in the moment. She said she didn’t really want to have sex with him because she knew she didn’t feel “that way” about him, and even told him that. But he persisted and finally she said she did it because she felt bad for him. I asked her if she thought she would have sex with him again and she said she doesn’t want to, but probably would. We laughed, but I asked “Really?” and she said “Oh, I don’t know. Probably not unless I wind up in that same situation again.”
After we finished that topic, I asked if she’d heard anything more from TOG, and she said she had not. I asked if she had told him she was breaking it off, and she said she hadn’t; she’d just stopped texting him and wondered if he’d ever text her. She said he never initiated the texts except for once on her birthday, so she was just waiting to see if he ever would. I asked if he does text her what would she do and she said she’d try to ignore it because she knows if she gets into a conversation with him it would most likely start everything up again with him.
She acknowledged that she knows I’m right about him and that they don’t have any kind of relationship future. She told me that he said he’d had girlfriends in the past who he’d done things with, but that they would wind up always fighting. She told me she figured out that it was because the girls either really didn’t want to be doing that stuff, or they were mad that he was continuing to mess around with other girls and not just them exclusively. (Remember, I never sent her the letter I’d written, nor expressly mentioned all my warnings about what it would mean to be with him; she reached all of those conclusions mostly on her own.)
We talked about these and other things, and were mostly good while we did it. I only pulled my night shorts up far enough for her to see (and touch) my dick only two or three times, and she only pulled her shirt and bra up to let me play with her tits once, and not for very long at that. I did feel like a heel because she would say no, we can’t do that, the wife might wake up (unlikely; the Nyquil knocked her out), etc. But, just like M, I persisted and practically begged, and I guess she just gave in because she didn’t want me to feel bad. She did hold strong on doing anything more than just fondling me, but said it was nice to see and feel a good cock (after being with M) so she wasn’t terribly harmed by it I suppose.
Still, when we both finally went to bed at 2:00, I tossed and turned for an hour before falling asleep. I really did feel bad about it, and knew that I needed to cut that shit out. It wasn’t helping her, it just made me feel bad, and it isn’t fair to the wife. I need to get things back on track with her, and if I’m fooling around it just lessens my incentive to follow through. I finally jerked off (I was pretty worked up) and feel into a fitful sleep until around 6:00 before getting up and taking care of my Sunday morning chores.
L sent a text around 6:30 asking if I was up, and we went in the living room to talk some more. I apologized for how I’d acted, and she brushed it off and said I shouldn’t worry about it and that she wasn’t mad. The she laughingly pulled up her shirt and asked me to check for bite marks. Of course I couldn’t help but look, and I had to get close enough to really see. She pulled her shirt down and said that was enough, and I said I didn’t see any marks. Apparently M likes to bite, though not really hard, and I think that was mostly just an excuse for L to show me her tits. When I told her that, she laughingly said “Maybe, just like you like showing me your dick.” I agreed, and pulled down my shorts to flash her again, but put it away quick so we wouldn’t get caught. And yes, I did realize that I’d just spend the past few hours fretting about doing that, and here I was right back to doing it again. Of course this time she started it.
Anyway, L and I went out and picked up breakfast for us (and coffee for her and the wife) and woke the wife up when we got home. She and I continued to talk about her and B, her and TOG, and her and M, but nothing new came about from any of that. I did tell her (again) that there’s nothing wrong with having sex just to have sex, if that’s what she wanted. But if she really didn’t want to have sex with M, I said she needs to tell him, gently, that she just doesn’t think of him that way, wants to stay friends (which she does) but that there would be no more physical relationship. I suggested that she stop worrying so much about making someone else feel bad by simply saying “no”. I was kind of including myself in that as well. She said she knows, and that she would tell him that, but I guess we’ll see.
After she left to head back home, there wasn’t a good way to bring up counseling with the wife without the timing looking suspicious so I decided to let it wait another couple days. (Plus I was really letting everything get to me; picturing her with M and trying to figure out why it was bothering me so much.) It will be hard to find a time when the niece isn’t around, but I’m still resolved to see this through one way or another.
I’m also resolved to try to stop being this way with L; I have to find a way to stop obsessing about her and what I want, because it’s causing me too much anxiety. I want to be there for her, someone she can trust to talk to, and I can’t do that when all I want is for her to be with me. It’s a pipe dream that can never come true, no matter what happens, and I’ve just got to get it out of my mind.
It’s just so much harder to resist when we’re alone together, so maybe the trick is to not be alone together, or not where I can get away with that shit. I know I like being able to talk with her one on one, so maybe somewhere in public, where we can still have a private conversation but I won’t be tempted to try to get her to show me her tits or look at my cock. I’m not going to offer to send her pictures, or ask her for any even if she tells me she sent some to someone else. If she offers to send them to me, I’ll try to refuse; I don’t know if I’ll succeed, but it’s at least the way I feel about it now.
I got to sleep early last night, and slept well, and I feel much better this morning. My mind isn’t frantically racing with all the thoughts that it was yesterday, so I’ll chalk up at least part of the panicky feeling I was having to just sheer exhaustion.
So that was my crappy (but in the end, okay) weekend. How was yours?
This was a tough weekend over all, but only because I made it that way. I never did get around to talking to the wife about the counseling; I still plan to, but the timing just wasn’t right. The niece was gone Friday and Saturday, so it would have been a good time in that regard. And Saturday morning we had sex, which also would have been a good lead-in; we had plenty of time, no reason to not really enjoy ourselves, but it was the same old thing with her just seemingly wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible. Maybe I should have said something a little later, after we were done, but I just didn’t want the rest of the weekend to be awkward.
I’d finally decided that I would tell her Sunday morning, but that plan got messed up too. Saturday afternoon, L texted that she was thinking about coming in and spending the night with us since B was working if that was okay. I said of course it was, but then she started waffling that she might not be able to because she’d have to ask B and he always gives her shit about coming up here (because of his suspicions.) I told her that she was welcome if she did come.
Just before 5:00 she said that she was coming in, but that she was going to meet M (the guy from a few weeks ago) to help him with something. She immediately followed that with another text saying not to read into it, she just needed some outside friendship and companionship, and that was all. She said she’d be there close to 9.
I tried to take her at face value, and not let my imagination run wild, but then she sent another text just before 8 and said it would be later because they were still at the restaurant (he bought her dinner at Applebee’s), and he lived in the next county over. I asked how late it would be, and she said “M said late, like after 11.” It turned out to be almost midnight when she finally showed up.
I was mad at her, and disappointed, because it was clear that she was just using staying with us as a cover in case B got suspicious about what she was really doing, and also a place to stay so she wouldn’t have to be heading back to her area so late. I was tempted to tell her just to stay with M, because it was clear that “helping him do something” wasn’t the only thing on the agenda, but I didn’t. I knew it would sound to her like jealousy, but at that point it really wasn’t.
I told the wife a plausible excuse for why she was coming so late, and opined that as soon as L got there she’d probably say she was tired or had a headache and would want to go to bed immediately. However, when she got there we wound up staying up quite late talking. The wife hung in there until almost 1:00, but she’s fighting off a cold and had taken some Nyquil. Once she went to bed, L and I started really talking.
She apologized again for getting there so late, and I just bluntly asked if anything had happened. The final result after telling me everything was that they did everything but have full-on sex, because he couldn’t maintain an erection. She also said he had the smallest dick she’d ever seen on a full grown man and doesn’t know if it would have worked out anyway. They played around and he tried to enter her, but it just wouldn’t happen.
I asked if she at least got anything out of it, and she said no, that she still is so hung up on Scott and (even she admitted) the relationship they should have had, that she just couldn’t get into it. She said he was skilled at oral, and she was wet, but just never could let it go and be in the moment. She said she didn’t really want to have sex with him because she knew she didn’t feel “that way” about him, and even told him that. But he persisted and finally she said she did it because she felt bad for him. I asked her if she thought she would have sex with him again and she said she doesn’t want to, but probably would. We laughed, but I asked “Really?” and she said “Oh, I don’t know. Probably not unless I wind up in that same situation again.”
After we finished that topic, I asked if she’d heard anything more from TOG, and she said she had not. I asked if she had told him she was breaking it off, and she said she hadn’t; she’d just stopped texting him and wondered if he’d ever text her. She said he never initiated the texts except for once on her birthday, so she was just waiting to see if he ever would. I asked if he does text her what would she do and she said she’d try to ignore it because she knows if she gets into a conversation with him it would most likely start everything up again with him.
She acknowledged that she knows I’m right about him and that they don’t have any kind of relationship future. She told me that he said he’d had girlfriends in the past who he’d done things with, but that they would wind up always fighting. She told me she figured out that it was because the girls either really didn’t want to be doing that stuff, or they were mad that he was continuing to mess around with other girls and not just them exclusively. (Remember, I never sent her the letter I’d written, nor expressly mentioned all my warnings about what it would mean to be with him; she reached all of those conclusions mostly on her own.)
We talked about these and other things, and were mostly good while we did it. I only pulled my night shorts up far enough for her to see (and touch) my dick only two or three times, and she only pulled her shirt and bra up to let me play with her tits once, and not for very long at that. I did feel like a heel because she would say no, we can’t do that, the wife might wake up (unlikely; the Nyquil knocked her out), etc. But, just like M, I persisted and practically begged, and I guess she just gave in because she didn’t want me to feel bad. She did hold strong on doing anything more than just fondling me, but said it was nice to see and feel a good cock (after being with M) so she wasn’t terribly harmed by it I suppose.
Still, when we both finally went to bed at 2:00, I tossed and turned for an hour before falling asleep. I really did feel bad about it, and knew that I needed to cut that shit out. It wasn’t helping her, it just made me feel bad, and it isn’t fair to the wife. I need to get things back on track with her, and if I’m fooling around it just lessens my incentive to follow through. I finally jerked off (I was pretty worked up) and feel into a fitful sleep until around 6:00 before getting up and taking care of my Sunday morning chores.
L sent a text around 6:30 asking if I was up, and we went in the living room to talk some more. I apologized for how I’d acted, and she brushed it off and said I shouldn’t worry about it and that she wasn’t mad. The she laughingly pulled up her shirt and asked me to check for bite marks. Of course I couldn’t help but look, and I had to get close enough to really see. She pulled her shirt down and said that was enough, and I said I didn’t see any marks. Apparently M likes to bite, though not really hard, and I think that was mostly just an excuse for L to show me her tits. When I told her that, she laughingly said “Maybe, just like you like showing me your dick.” I agreed, and pulled down my shorts to flash her again, but put it away quick so we wouldn’t get caught. And yes, I did realize that I’d just spend the past few hours fretting about doing that, and here I was right back to doing it again. Of course this time she started it.
Anyway, L and I went out and picked up breakfast for us (and coffee for her and the wife) and woke the wife up when we got home. She and I continued to talk about her and B, her and TOG, and her and M, but nothing new came about from any of that. I did tell her (again) that there’s nothing wrong with having sex just to have sex, if that’s what she wanted. But if she really didn’t want to have sex with M, I said she needs to tell him, gently, that she just doesn’t think of him that way, wants to stay friends (which she does) but that there would be no more physical relationship. I suggested that she stop worrying so much about making someone else feel bad by simply saying “no”. I was kind of including myself in that as well. She said she knows, and that she would tell him that, but I guess we’ll see.
After she left to head back home, there wasn’t a good way to bring up counseling with the wife without the timing looking suspicious so I decided to let it wait another couple days. (Plus I was really letting everything get to me; picturing her with M and trying to figure out why it was bothering me so much.) It will be hard to find a time when the niece isn’t around, but I’m still resolved to see this through one way or another.
I’m also resolved to try to stop being this way with L; I have to find a way to stop obsessing about her and what I want, because it’s causing me too much anxiety. I want to be there for her, someone she can trust to talk to, and I can’t do that when all I want is for her to be with me. It’s a pipe dream that can never come true, no matter what happens, and I’ve just got to get it out of my mind.
It’s just so much harder to resist when we’re alone together, so maybe the trick is to not be alone together, or not where I can get away with that shit. I know I like being able to talk with her one on one, so maybe somewhere in public, where we can still have a private conversation but I won’t be tempted to try to get her to show me her tits or look at my cock. I’m not going to offer to send her pictures, or ask her for any even if she tells me she sent some to someone else. If she offers to send them to me, I’ll try to refuse; I don’t know if I’ll succeed, but it’s at least the way I feel about it now.
I got to sleep early last night, and slept well, and I feel much better this morning. My mind isn’t frantically racing with all the thoughts that it was yesterday, so I’ll chalk up at least part of the panicky feeling I was having to just sheer exhaustion.
So that was my crappy (but in the end, okay) weekend. How was yours?
Dude,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is (1) I need a cast list to keep everyone straight and (2) you need to simplify.
I'm the last one to give out marital advice, but you've got a lot going on and you are letting both of your women get in your head. Decide if she's good for you and then act on that. If you want the counseling to work, you have to stop messing around, or, you use counseling to redefine your marriage in a way that works for both of you (or all three, or four, or however it works out.)
It seems like you are driving yourself a little batty with her, the wife, and all the 2nd generation drama you get pulled in to.
In regards to driving myself batty, you're absolutely right on the mark there. And I agree that I need to simplify. For now I want to focus mainly on me and the wife. I dont know if what I think is broken will get fixed or not, but I have to know I gave it an honest shot either way.
DeleteI drove myself to exhaustion with the event I ran. It's Monday night, and I'm headed to bed very soon.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
I'm finding if I really push myself at the gym, it helps quiet my overactive mind for at least a few hours.
DeleteObviously there is great merit and wisdom in the advice offered by Advizor, but I would just offer this with regards to L. You can't just turn it off like a switch and still remain that caring loving friend (brother) you want to be for her. Your problem with her is not that you played Nurse Feelyurnuts and Dr. Boobinspector (which I'm sure you will again), your problem is the jealousy. Work on your marriage, and only consider these occasional antics with L as nothing more than naughty flirtations with no expectation of romance. Imagine if you went to a Superbowl party and the game was good and all the ladies for the Broncos had to flash whenever the Seahawks scored. You'd see a lot of tits and it would be fun and all, but you'd know that those ladies are going home with their husbands, you are going home with your wife, and nobody was harmed because you got to see a bunch of boobs over and over and over again.
ReplyDeleteNothing is going to get better with your wife if you are so focused on L, but you know that.
I know you're right, James, and I agree that the problem is jealousy. I know it was easier to control and manage my feelings about her this summer before we started the on/off shit back up, so I think if I just put it in my mind that there will be no more shenanigans between us, I can handle things better.
DeletePlus, I think I need things to be that way in order to really focus on the wife and me.