So, We Had a Talk

I finally talked to the wife last night. In some ways it went better than expected, but in other ways not as well as I’d hoped. I wound up needing some liquid courage in order to get started, but I wasn’t drunk by any means. I could see her getting defensive, and maybe a little panicky, when I first started talking, but she relaxed and we were able to get through it.

The long and short of it is, she understands my concerns about the lack of intimacy and is willing to work on it together. I really emphasized that I appreciate her willingness to try, but didn’t want it to be about her tolerating things; I honestly want her to be able to enjoy what we do. She voiced some of her concerns and we talked about those and what I can do to help (cutting back on the alcohol, which I’m already doing, will be a big part of it.)

I mentioned counseling and she shot that down right out of the gate, saying that now that we’re talking about it we can handle it on our own. I didn’t push, and agreed that we might be able to work it all out on our own, but to not completely dismiss counseling. I said if we do find it too difficult to handle on our own, counseling can mean the difference between having a breakthrough and continuing on in frustration. That part is still up in the air, but if we aren’t able to make progress in a reasonable amount of time I will bring it back up. And I still may look into counseling for myself to help me deal with my anxiety issues.

I really tried to talk about this in a way that didn’t focus solely on oral sex, but I’m afraid that’s mostly what happened. It was the clearest example I could bring up to illustrate the problem with sex; that we didn’t take our time to enjoy it. She said that she’s shy and embarrassed about that part, even after so long our being together. I asked her if she liked sucking my dick*, and when she said she did I asked why. She agreed that the act itself is fun (she likes taking me in her mouth when I’m still soft and feeling it grow in her mouth), but mostly it’s because she knows how good it makes me feel. I explained that it’s exactly the same for me; I like the act of eating pussy* but mostly I enjoy bringing her pleasure, and that there is nothing she should feel embarrassed or shy about with me.

She also said she doesn’t feel clean enough “down there” unless she’s freshly showered. I pointed out that even after a shower she generally makes me stop after just a short time, which is frustrating because I’d like to really have time for it to start feeling good. I also said that even if she’s not freshly showered, I like the smell. I told her that if it’s ever too bad, I’ll let her know just like she does if I’m a little too funky in my “area.” She agreed that would be okay.

I think I’ve said before that I don’t expect everything to be fixed immediately; there are no magic wands for things like this. But I’m encouraged by her willingness to listen and agreement to work together on these things. Of course my timing couldn’t have been worse; she’s fighting off a cold, started her period on Saturday, and had pretty extensive dental work done early yesterday morning. It’s not like we could go from that talk to the bedroom and test drive everything we’d discussed.

And really, maybe that’s for the best. We’ll have time to talk some more between now and when she’s feeling better, and maybe come up with some specific ideas on what we can do for each other. Because of her cold and my sinuses, I slept in the other room for the third night in a row; we both would have preferred to sleep together, but I’m trying to avoid catching her cold, and her coughing and sneezing would be as bad as my snoring and neither of us would get any rest. I did feel more at ease when I went to bed than I have in a while, even in regards to L and her drama. I don’t know if that will last, and don’t expect any miracles in that regard, but it’s a good start. We’ll have to see how things progress from here.

She never directly ask if I’d cheated on her; if she had I would have outright lied and said “no” because I don’t see where telling her that I had would do any good. She did say something about “so long as you don’t go somewhere else to get it” (meaning intimacy), and I just said that’s not what I want. Right now, I sincerely feel that way.

But between you and me, I can’t honestly say that I won’t want to stray again down the road. Even if we make significant progress and things get better, I don’t know if I am the type of person who can maintain a monogamous relationship. And I know that the urge to suck a guy off will come back some time, and if the opportunity presents itself I almost certainly would do that. (For the record, I feel like that aspect is different than fooling around with other women though.)

But at least for the time being, to give us a real shot I am going to be good. I’m going to try to be good, anyway. Actually, I’m meeting T for dinner next Tuesday (if that doesn’t get pushed back for some reason) but I doubt anything naughty will happen. I might show him my dick, if he asks. And if he shows me his, I might touch it. But probably nothing more, if that. We'll see.

*Once the initial shock for her was over and we started talking, I spoke crudely because I like that. She does too, and it’s just how we’re used to talking to each other, even when we’re being serious.