There’s a new player in the L saga. The details aren’t really germane to this post, but in short it’s a guy she’s known since she was a kid and never thought of in “that way”, but he’s in a position to help her so she met with him Saturday (after having lunch with the wife and I) to talk about it. Sunday morning she told me they wound up kissing. When I asked if kissing was all, she admitted that he fingered her and she felt him up over his pants (but couldn’t tell his cock size.)
She’s on the fence about fucking him for a few reasons, but one of them is she says she feels weird because he was always like an older brother figure to her. (We both got a laugh out of that.) But since then they’ve exchanged naughty pictures (she still couldn’t tell his size because of the angle) and I won’t be at all surprised if she does fuck him in two weeks, the next weekend B will be working. It’s hard to tell with L because of the way she goes back and forth about things like that.
Anyway, yesterday I decided I just can’t do this with her anymore; it’s just too emotionally distressing for me. I want her to be happy, and she’s an adult and can fuck anyone she chooses, but I can’t keep hearing about it. I was admittedly horny Sunday morning as she told me about them making out in the car, but it was like a knife to my gut at the same time, and this is just not the kind of thing I can get into like some people can (hi James.)
So when L texted me yesterday when I was at lunch that she’d just gotten a “great picture” and had to “tell someone about it,” I decided to let her know. I told her that I love her, and I’ll always be here for her, but maybe it would be better if she didn’t tell me so much about what she and her boyfriends are getting up to. I told her straight out that it’s just too much for me, and that I don’t want to be jealous but I can’t help it. I want to be a good big brother for her, but I can’t do that when it eats away at me when she tells me about making out with M or whatever.
Of course she got mad. “OMG! You need help! You should not be getting jealous! I guess that goes for what you do with your gf too!” I told her she’s not telling me anything I don’t already know (about how I shouldn’t be getting jealous, and needing help) and that I still want to be friends and be close and I hope she does as well. I said I keep comparing myself to them and wondering what I did wrong that she doesn’t want me like that anymore. She just said “Don’t talk to me right now. And fyi because you’re my fucking brother!” It’s funny how that wasn’t a problem when we first started (which she initiated, by the way.)
Several hours later I told her I wish she wouldn’t be mad at me, and she sent back that she isn’t mad. Before I left I sent her something funny from work, and we had a pleasant exchange, and when I left we said good night and that we love each other.
This morning she was asking for some help researching some information and I told her I would look into it. She thanked me, and said that she wishes we could talk about the other stuff too because she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to. I told her (truthfully) that a part of me wants that too, and I know I’m fucked up. She said that’s alright, we both are.
And dammit, I am curious about the picture she got yesterday; who it’s from and what about it made it so great. I’m tempted to ask about it, but I’m not going to; if she wants to talk about it, she’ll let me know. Whatever she does in the future, if she wants to talk about it she’ll let me know. If I feel like I can handle it, I’ll listen and offer advice if needed (not that she’d take it from me anyway.) But if I don’t think it’s something I can hear, I’ll tell her and ask her not to share with me at that time.
I don’t know what the point of this post is, if there is any point. I want to declare “I will never have sex with her again” and go forward with nothing but being her brother in mind. I have to stop fantasizing about the next time we’re alone together, and how that could lead to us fucking. I have to stop trying to flirt with her to see if she flirts back, so I can gauge whether or not she’s thinking of us in “that” way.
I’m sure she will indicate, either directly or indirectly, when she’s sent them pictures, so I have to stop asking her to send them to me “just to check for quality, haha.” When she tells me she’s gotten something from them, I have to stop asking her if she wants one of mine “just to compare, haha.” I use her willingness to exchange pictures with me as a gauge of her mood as well, and I need to stop that. I have to stop letting her changes of mind send me either soaring or into tail-spins of depression.
I know all these things I need to do, I just don’t know if I can. It’s too easy to imagine how my resolve will break down and I’ll be right back where I’ve been too many times. My company’s EAP provides for up to eight free counseling sessions, and I’m seriously thinking maybe it’s time I look into it. I don’t know how much good counseling will do, but it can’t hurt, right?
She’s on the fence about fucking him for a few reasons, but one of them is she says she feels weird because he was always like an older brother figure to her. (We both got a laugh out of that.) But since then they’ve exchanged naughty pictures (she still couldn’t tell his size because of the angle) and I won’t be at all surprised if she does fuck him in two weeks, the next weekend B will be working. It’s hard to tell with L because of the way she goes back and forth about things like that.
Anyway, yesterday I decided I just can’t do this with her anymore; it’s just too emotionally distressing for me. I want her to be happy, and she’s an adult and can fuck anyone she chooses, but I can’t keep hearing about it. I was admittedly horny Sunday morning as she told me about them making out in the car, but it was like a knife to my gut at the same time, and this is just not the kind of thing I can get into like some people can (hi James.)
So when L texted me yesterday when I was at lunch that she’d just gotten a “great picture” and had to “tell someone about it,” I decided to let her know. I told her that I love her, and I’ll always be here for her, but maybe it would be better if she didn’t tell me so much about what she and her boyfriends are getting up to. I told her straight out that it’s just too much for me, and that I don’t want to be jealous but I can’t help it. I want to be a good big brother for her, but I can’t do that when it eats away at me when she tells me about making out with M or whatever.
Of course she got mad. “OMG! You need help! You should not be getting jealous! I guess that goes for what you do with your gf too!” I told her she’s not telling me anything I don’t already know (about how I shouldn’t be getting jealous, and needing help) and that I still want to be friends and be close and I hope she does as well. I said I keep comparing myself to them and wondering what I did wrong that she doesn’t want me like that anymore. She just said “Don’t talk to me right now. And fyi because you’re my fucking brother!” It’s funny how that wasn’t a problem when we first started (which she initiated, by the way.)
Several hours later I told her I wish she wouldn’t be mad at me, and she sent back that she isn’t mad. Before I left I sent her something funny from work, and we had a pleasant exchange, and when I left we said good night and that we love each other.
This morning she was asking for some help researching some information and I told her I would look into it. She thanked me, and said that she wishes we could talk about the other stuff too because she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to. I told her (truthfully) that a part of me wants that too, and I know I’m fucked up. She said that’s alright, we both are.
And dammit, I am curious about the picture she got yesterday; who it’s from and what about it made it so great. I’m tempted to ask about it, but I’m not going to; if she wants to talk about it, she’ll let me know. Whatever she does in the future, if she wants to talk about it she’ll let me know. If I feel like I can handle it, I’ll listen and offer advice if needed (not that she’d take it from me anyway.) But if I don’t think it’s something I can hear, I’ll tell her and ask her not to share with me at that time.
I don’t know what the point of this post is, if there is any point. I want to declare “I will never have sex with her again” and go forward with nothing but being her brother in mind. I have to stop fantasizing about the next time we’re alone together, and how that could lead to us fucking. I have to stop trying to flirt with her to see if she flirts back, so I can gauge whether or not she’s thinking of us in “that” way.
I’m sure she will indicate, either directly or indirectly, when she’s sent them pictures, so I have to stop asking her to send them to me “just to check for quality, haha.” When she tells me she’s gotten something from them, I have to stop asking her if she wants one of mine “just to compare, haha.” I use her willingness to exchange pictures with me as a gauge of her mood as well, and I need to stop that. I have to stop letting her changes of mind send me either soaring or into tail-spins of depression.
I know all these things I need to do, I just don’t know if I can. It’s too easy to imagine how my resolve will break down and I’ll be right back where I’ve been too many times. My company’s EAP provides for up to eight free counseling sessions, and I’m seriously thinking maybe it’s time I look into it. I don’t know how much good counseling will do, but it can’t hurt, right?
Great post, hits the tension right on the head. I want to see the pictures but they make me face the reality of what she is doing. I want to hear it all and have none of it stick in my memory.
ReplyDeleteAdvizor nailed it in a single sentence. I don't think you need counseling for this and I don't expect that you can magically turn off the jealous feelings, but I do think that you need to sit back and put things into perspective. Can we all agree that if your wife left you tomorrow and B was out of the picture, that even then, you and L would not be together in a husband and wife relationship? I'm not saying you might not fuck daily or even have her move in with you, but the reality is, there are too many other factors (family, etc) that will doom that type of relationship. What about when you get the urge to suck a dick? You can't trust her with that detail even now.
ReplyDeleteYou have someone you care for deeply, you can occasionally have sex with and, she is willing to share details (and pictures) of her sex life. Most guys would kill to have a fiend like that. If you can't accept that amount of goodness and recognize that the rest of the fantasy is just that, you should break it all off.
Of course, I'm not a professional...
Thanks for the great replies, guys, and especially yours James. You didnt say anything I dont already know, but somehow it's really struck a chord for me. I'll explain more in an upcoming post.
ReplyDelete