Writing, and then posting, the letter to L helped me quite a bit, so I thought I’d try writing to the wife; not exactly as a letter, but more like what I know I need to say to her. Unlike the letter to L, which she’ll never see, this is a conversation that I’m becoming more and more convinced that the wife and I need to have. Obviously I’d want to do this when the niece isn’t around, and though it’s a lot easier to start these kinds of conversations when I’m drunk, it will probably be better to be closer to sober.
Before I get to that, though, I did talk to L yesterday, and things are good between us. She and B had a big fight Friday which resulted in B having a scratched up face and L having a black eye. L says this one was completely on her; she drank shots Friday night that she didn’t know had tequila in them, and when the verbal fight started she went straight to psycho-bitch mode and attacked B. She said he only did what he had to in order to get her off him, and no more than that, but it did result in the black eye.
I only know a what she told me, and what I speculate happened based on that, so I won’t go deeply into it. The result was that she stayed in bed all day Saturday, most of the day Sunday, and didn’t go to work yesterday. She embarrassed because of the black eye, and because a lot of the fight, and what triggered it, happened at the bar they went to when a number of her co-workers were there.
From the way she was talking, though, it’s possible that in the aftermath she’s decided not to pursue anything with TOG. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to dig all that shit up again, but I’m basing that on things she said about either trying to make it work with B or finding a real, long-term relationship and not just someone who wants to fuck. I’m not hanging my hat on that though, as I could have misinterpreted her meaning or she could easily change her mind any number of times between now and the 13th. Plus, I don’t care if she fucks him or not at this point. Well, that’s a lie, but I know I shouldn’t care and I’m trying to convince myself not to.
Anyway, on to the wife:
Wife, we need to talk. Our marriage is in trouble, and if we don’t do something about it soon, I don’t know if it will last.
I feel like we’re slowly becoming roommate sharing the house instead of partners sharing our lives. I know it’s been hard with the niece living with us, and your resentment towards her is a part of the wedge between us, but this goes beyond that.
It’s easy to use her being in the house as an excuse to not have sex, or if we do have sex get it over with quickly and with as little bother as possible. But we’ve been heading down this road for a lot longer than she’s been here. And I feel like when she leaves, we’ll just find some other excuse to continue to not have sex.
And really, it’s not about the amount of sex we have (or don’t have); it’s the lack of intimacy even when we do get together. I can’t really even call what we do “making love” because it doesn’t feel like that to me. It feels more like we’ve agreed to have sex because our physical need became strong enough. And then it’s just doing the minimum necessary to have an orgasm then get back to doing something else. It’s like grabbing a burger at McDonald’s because you’re hungry but don’t want to take the time to have a real meal. Yes, after 20+ years together the passion isn’t going to be the same as it was when we were first married, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to have intimacy.
When I talk about more intimacy in sex, I mean that it should be fun and playful, and something we want to spend time doing. This probably sounds to you like I’m saying “give me more blowjobs”, but it’s really not. I want to kiss and touch you, all over. I want to take the time to build your excitement and tease you into wanting more and more. I want you to do the same things for me; not because you’re checking off a “to do” list of things I want, but because you enjoy doing it.
I understand that you aren’t as into sex as I am, but the gap between what I want and what you want has become much bigger than it used to be. When we have sex now, we might kiss, but we don’t really touch. You might stroke me a bit, but it’s like you don’t want my hands on you. If I play with your boobs or ass, you tolerate that. But if I touch your pussy I can immediately tell that you don’t like it. I ask if I can lick her and you either say no outright, or you sigh and say “Go ahead, if you need to.” Then within two minutes you’re saying “that’s enough, fuck me.”
Don’t get me wrong; saying “fuck me” can be hot as hell under the right circumstances. But I can’t fool myself into thinking it’s because your excitement has reached the point where you can’t stand it and have to have me inside you. I know it’s because you just want to get it over with, and that pretty much kills the whole mood for me. It certainly doesn’t make me look forward to the next time, because I know it’s going to be the same thing.
I know I’m not blameless in that, but I just don’t know what I can do to make it better. Assuming this isn’t about my weight or my looks (if it is, I can fix the former but there’s nothing I can really do about the latter), I need you to help me figure out what I can do to make it better for you. I don’t want you to pretend to enjoy it more, or patiently tolerate it, but to actually enjoy it.
This has been building for some time; years in fact. At first it was gradual, and I didn’t worry about it too much. I hoped that it would turn around, and later when it didn’t I just figured it would be something I could live with. But it’s been getting worse, and I don’t think I can live with it this way anymore.
I think we need professional marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem. As I said at the beginning, I think we need to do this soon, rather than later. We need help finding out what the issues are and how we can both work to fix them. We need help determining a reasonable compromise; find some middle ground where together we both get what we need out of our sex lives.
I don’t want to make this a threat or an ultimatum, but we need to do this. I don’t want to look elsewhere to try to fill this void, and I don’t want us to wind up divorced. But honestly, I think both of those things are possible if we go on this way. It’s not too late for us yet, but we need to act now if we want to save us.
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I'd really like to hear your thoughts, good and bad, on this. What should I change, or leave out altogether?
Before I get to that, though, I did talk to L yesterday, and things are good between us. She and B had a big fight Friday which resulted in B having a scratched up face and L having a black eye. L says this one was completely on her; she drank shots Friday night that she didn’t know had tequila in them, and when the verbal fight started she went straight to psycho-bitch mode and attacked B. She said he only did what he had to in order to get her off him, and no more than that, but it did result in the black eye.
I only know a what she told me, and what I speculate happened based on that, so I won’t go deeply into it. The result was that she stayed in bed all day Saturday, most of the day Sunday, and didn’t go to work yesterday. She embarrassed because of the black eye, and because a lot of the fight, and what triggered it, happened at the bar they went to when a number of her co-workers were there.
From the way she was talking, though, it’s possible that in the aftermath she’s decided not to pursue anything with TOG. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to dig all that shit up again, but I’m basing that on things she said about either trying to make it work with B or finding a real, long-term relationship and not just someone who wants to fuck. I’m not hanging my hat on that though, as I could have misinterpreted her meaning or she could easily change her mind any number of times between now and the 13th. Plus, I don’t care if she fucks him or not at this point. Well, that’s a lie, but I know I shouldn’t care and I’m trying to convince myself not to.
Anyway, on to the wife:
Wife, we need to talk. Our marriage is in trouble, and if we don’t do something about it soon, I don’t know if it will last.
I feel like we’re slowly becoming roommate sharing the house instead of partners sharing our lives. I know it’s been hard with the niece living with us, and your resentment towards her is a part of the wedge between us, but this goes beyond that.
It’s easy to use her being in the house as an excuse to not have sex, or if we do have sex get it over with quickly and with as little bother as possible. But we’ve been heading down this road for a lot longer than she’s been here. And I feel like when she leaves, we’ll just find some other excuse to continue to not have sex.
And really, it’s not about the amount of sex we have (or don’t have); it’s the lack of intimacy even when we do get together. I can’t really even call what we do “making love” because it doesn’t feel like that to me. It feels more like we’ve agreed to have sex because our physical need became strong enough. And then it’s just doing the minimum necessary to have an orgasm then get back to doing something else. It’s like grabbing a burger at McDonald’s because you’re hungry but don’t want to take the time to have a real meal. Yes, after 20+ years together the passion isn’t going to be the same as it was when we were first married, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to have intimacy.
When I talk about more intimacy in sex, I mean that it should be fun and playful, and something we want to spend time doing. This probably sounds to you like I’m saying “give me more blowjobs”, but it’s really not. I want to kiss and touch you, all over. I want to take the time to build your excitement and tease you into wanting more and more. I want you to do the same things for me; not because you’re checking off a “to do” list of things I want, but because you enjoy doing it.
I understand that you aren’t as into sex as I am, but the gap between what I want and what you want has become much bigger than it used to be. When we have sex now, we might kiss, but we don’t really touch. You might stroke me a bit, but it’s like you don’t want my hands on you. If I play with your boobs or ass, you tolerate that. But if I touch your pussy I can immediately tell that you don’t like it. I ask if I can lick her and you either say no outright, or you sigh and say “Go ahead, if you need to.” Then within two minutes you’re saying “that’s enough, fuck me.”
Don’t get me wrong; saying “fuck me” can be hot as hell under the right circumstances. But I can’t fool myself into thinking it’s because your excitement has reached the point where you can’t stand it and have to have me inside you. I know it’s because you just want to get it over with, and that pretty much kills the whole mood for me. It certainly doesn’t make me look forward to the next time, because I know it’s going to be the same thing.
I know I’m not blameless in that, but I just don’t know what I can do to make it better. Assuming this isn’t about my weight or my looks (if it is, I can fix the former but there’s nothing I can really do about the latter), I need you to help me figure out what I can do to make it better for you. I don’t want you to pretend to enjoy it more, or patiently tolerate it, but to actually enjoy it.
This has been building for some time; years in fact. At first it was gradual, and I didn’t worry about it too much. I hoped that it would turn around, and later when it didn’t I just figured it would be something I could live with. But it’s been getting worse, and I don’t think I can live with it this way anymore.
I think we need professional marriage counseling to get to the root of the problem. As I said at the beginning, I think we need to do this soon, rather than later. We need help finding out what the issues are and how we can both work to fix them. We need help determining a reasonable compromise; find some middle ground where together we both get what we need out of our sex lives.
I don’t want to make this a threat or an ultimatum, but we need to do this. I don’t want to look elsewhere to try to fill this void, and I don’t want us to wind up divorced. But honestly, I think both of those things are possible if we go on this way. It’s not too late for us yet, but we need to act now if we want to save us.
I'd really like to hear your thoughts, good and bad, on this. What should I change, or leave out altogether?
You'll probably note that I don't comment a lot on things like the playing around, and things like others going "psycho-bitch". That's because I don't judge others or pretend to know what's best in most situations I am not living in. (Though I loathe violence in all forms, I have been known to lay waste to a bunch of trees with a chainsaw and maul when truly het up!)
ReplyDeleteI think the biggest thing I see is the passion in this. And one thing you said before the letter is the "sober" part. I do know, from at least a little experience, that getting into subjects like this requires a straight head. Even buzzed means something will come out a-kilter. And then it all goes downhill.
The letter itself, it's hard to say exactly how to say it, but direct and simple, with examples would seem to be best. I think you have that here.
My fervent hope is that you and your wife are able to work things out. I hate to see divorces. They're at their best messy, expensive, and emotionally exhausting. Not to mention hurtful to all involved.
Good luck, Rob. And Godsend!
Peace <3
Jay
Thanks, Jay.
DeleteThe lack of sex or more, the loss of intimacy that you crave is surely the result of bigger personal problems between the two of you. In this case, for my own relationship with my wife, I'm the one with the lack of interest in sex with her or intimacy. All I can point to is that somewhere along the way, something broke. I do think that counselling would help uncover what it is that your wife is resenting in you that could perhaps get her back on track.
ReplyDeleteThere is a level of comfort that comes from that brother/sister marriage (in this case, no reference to you and L - sorry),or as Dan Savage refers to it, the companionate marriage where you get along, live together fairly happily (no scratched faces and black eyes) but sex is pretty much no longer a factor. In his estimation, these can be wonderful, fulfilling arrangements, but not if one of the partners wants sex. What happens is, your wife will give in and tell you to get to it so she can get it over with. Oh sure, she enjoys the act once she is doing it, but it is something that is preventing her from wanting to start in the first place.
Back to me and my wife. Same thing. My wife can only go a certain number of days before she MUST have sex or we'll all be miserable. I have no interest in initiating and very often attempt to avoid it. Finally I say these exact words: Go on, mount up! With that, she climbs on and rides my dick until she comes. And of course, then I roll her over, take her from behind and when I cum, she always says, I don't know why you fight me, you know you like it.
It isn't the sex act per se, it is something emotional that stops us (me, your wife) from cuddling on the couch for no reason, from walking up and giving a quick kiss for no reason (as opposed to the required kiss goodbye or goodnight). Things that you observe young couples doing in malls or things you imagine doing with another person.
It isn't that I don't want sex or intimacy or crave the feel of holding a person, it's that, like your wife, I just don't crave it with my spouse, and there had to be some emotional trigger that set this loss in motion. In my case, I would gladly blame it on being gay if I didn't so very much crave this intimacy with other women, and have no interest in sharing it with other men. No, I blame it on shutting down my emotions with my wife to avoid years and years of fighting, screaming and plain bitchiness. For the most part, she has outgrown these behaviors, but the resulting reaction by me is still with us.
My bet is that, unless there is a physical medical condition that makes your wife this way, there is an emotional wall that has been put up to avoid something in the past.
It would be easy to blame the time she caught me cheating, except there were times after that when things seemed... well, if not good then better than they are now. And I can't deny that since L came into our lives a lot of my attention has been focused on her. The lack of intimacy was already apparent by then, though, so largely that was why I paid so much attention to L. Perhaps it's a combination of shortcomings on my part.
DeleteI'm willing to admit my own fault in all of this, but I have to know she's willing to work on forgiving me. I can't, and won't, continue this way. I don't expect any overnight resolution, but there has to be an effort.