Weekend Update

Happy Monday everyone! (I'm actually writing this Sunday evening while the wife is at a game, but most of you will probably read it on Monday.)

It was a good weekend, really, but I can't figure out how to write about it without it being a dreadfully tedious read. The weather was nice, so we went for a long ride on Saturday to test out the new seat. (For the record, we both agree that it's better than the old seat; instead of having to stop after 45 minutes or so to stretch, we can get in an hour and a half now.) We also rode a little on Sunday to take advantage of the weather.

Otherwise, it's just been the wife going to games, me smoking cigars and reading, then having some drinks when she gets home before going to bed. I'm not complaining; the time the wife and I spent together was nice, and when she went to the games it was nice to have some time alone at the house (and time to jerk off, since it's shark week here in the Curious household.) I just can't imagine it being interesting to anybody else.

So how was your weekend?

Joke of the Week

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf; that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him I'll blow his head off if he doesn't tell me where the money is!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Flash Fiction Friday - "Quiet on the Set!" 4/25

Word Limit: 250
Bonus Words: All words in French are free!
Required Phrase: "Ménage à trois," bien sûr!
Forbidden Phrase: "Let them eat (fill in the blank)." It's still too soon for me.
Extra Credit: Tell us which historic figure you'd most like to French kiss.

“Cut!” The director screamed; he was livid. “God damn it, Larry, you told me you could do a French accent!”

“I can! Bien sur. See?”

“That’s Italian, you fucking moron!”

Lucy, the “talent,” rolled her eyes. “How am I supposed to make a ménage a trois look sexy with these guys, Alan? That vein bulging on your forehead is bigger than what they’re packing!”

“Oh, fuck you, bitch!”

“Jerry!”

“No, Alan, fuck this. This whole goddamned shoot is ridiculous. These costumes, these wigs for fucks sake! And this fucked out cunt is going to criticize my package!? Try a fucking Kegel exercise once in a while, Loosy!”

“Don’t kid yourself, Ant Man,” Larry said, smirking. “That toothpick you got would make the gap between Michael Straham’s teeth feel like the Grand Canyon. How’s that accent, Alan?”

“Still Italian, Larry.” Alan’s head was throbbing. “Look, don’t say another word while we’re filming. Just go down on her. You’ll be deaf and dumb in this scene.”

“Emphasis on dumb,” Lucy muttered.

“Lucy, your mouth should be too full of cock to say anything. Start sucking Jerry’s dick, and act like you enjoy it. Jerry, can you stay hard long enough for us to get some footage?”

“I could if there were any good looking women aro- OW!” Every man on the set winced in sympathy.

Lucy smiled icily. “That was a warning, putz. Next time I’ll bite it off!”

“Goddamn it, Alan!” Jerry screamed.

“Just don’t break the skin, Lucy! Now; get ready, everyone… and, action!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back before the internet made such things obsolete, the wife and I used to rent porn on VHS from a local video store. The wife would always insist on getting something with at least a bit of a story in it, even though she’d wind up fast-forwarding through the boring bits (some call it “dialogue”) to get to the sex scenes. (As for me, I preferred the longer tapes with a series of two-minute cum shot clips.)

Anyway, one film we got had a “story” about (I think) a porn actor from Germany coming to America to do a shoot. In one scene he’s at a party with some of his fellow actors and raging at them about how much easier the American actors have it here than in Germany. There, he told them, the sound is always dubbed in, so everyone is talking and joking around while the actors are trying to do their sex scenes. He had a lot of other complaints, but that’s the main one that stuck with me. (Somehow, about two years later, we wound up renting the same movie by accident. I only remembered that we’d seen it before when he started bitching about the conditions.)

Ever since then, “professional” porn just doesn’t do much for me; I keep imagining the set to be pretty much like what I wrote above. Besides, I love the thought of “real” people, someone you might have passed earlier in Kroger or met at the gym, sucking and fucking on camera and posting it online for free!

And Tom, I hate to be a wet blanket, but I really can’t think of any historic figure I’d want to French kiss , or do anything else with sexually. There are some I’d like to meet and talk to (assuming there’d be no language barriers) but I’ve never had fantasies about hooking up with any of them.

But you don't have to fantasize about reading more fine FFF entries; head over to Three Spelling Mistakes to find the rest.

Weekend Update

Good morning, all, and if you're of the persuasion, Happy Easter. As an Atheist I don't "celebrate" Easter in any kind of religious sense, but I have colored eggs in my time, and today the wife and I are going out to lunch with my parents. And if you're of the other persuasion, Happy Passover, I guess? Well, whatever you are, Happy Sunday unless you're reading this tomorrow, in which case Happy Monday.

My company recognizes Good Friday as a holiday, so I was off. It didn't really feel like a day off because I had scheduled an electrician to come install a bathroom fan and an outside electrical outlet, so I was kind of stuck around the house in the morning waiting for him to call and confirm what time he'd be coming. I was also waiting for a glass guy to come out and replace my windshield, which developed a huge crack along the bottom after getting hit by gravel from a truck. (Luckily my insurance paid for that, and I have a 0 deductible, so that was nice.)

The electrician pissed me off because when I scheduled the job, he'd assured me that he would be able to get the work done on that day. When I talked to him Friday morning, and he told me he was running behind because he hadn't been able to work the past two days, he still talked about the job as something that he'd be able to come in and finish, though it would be later that afternoon. After waiting all day, a different guy finally showed up around 4:00, but he was just there to look at what I wanted and give me an estimate. He said they'd contact me to schedule the job at a later time! I wasted a whole day waiting for them and as far as I was concerned, I was no closer to getting the job done than I'd been before.

I've called another electrician to come give me an estimate, and if he can get me scheduled for sometime this week I'm going to have him do it instead of the other guy. If the first electrician had just told me Friday morning that he was too behind and would have to get at the job sometime next week, I would have been okay with that. But to string me along thinking everything would be done that day just pissed me off!

The wife wasn't off on Friday, so I had the morning to myself. And as of Friday morning, I'm no longer "master of my domain."

I'd done well with the no LAP/JO for two weeks, and probably could have gone without it on Friday. But being home alone, horny and with plenty of time on my hands, it was just too tempting. And also thinking through how long it would likely be before I was home alone again in the morning (which is really my favorite time for LAP/JO) with time on my hands, I said "fuck it" and went to town.

It. Was. WONDERFUL!

The wife and I had only had sex once during my two week hiatus, but I hadn't felt particularly deprived or anything. But once I started fondling my cock and balls, and pulled up my favorite subreddit (Hotwives), I realized just how much I'd been missing it. I tried to draw it out and really make a morning of it, but after 15 minutes I came hard and was spent!

I don't know where this puts me going forward, but I think I'll try limiting my use of porn to just those times when I'm already horny and have time to enjoy a good self-loving session or when the wife and I want to watch it together to enhance our lovemaking. I will still enjoy reading the adventures, both real and imagined, that my favorite bloggers write about, and if there are pictures attached that's fine. In my mind that different than me actively going to tumblr or reddit and looking specifically for images to get me off; that's what I intend to limit. As with many things, it seems to be more enjoyable for me in moderation instead of just when it's a daily, steady diet of it.

The wife surprised me with morning sex on Saturday, which is always nice. We romped about for a good while, really enjoying being alone in the house and not having any schedule to keep. Afterwards we went to the gym and had an early workout (another early workout), then got some breakfast before going shopping. Later we went by the niece's new apartment to have lunch with her and her brother (the nephew who recently got out of jail) and had a nice time with them. I hope he can manage to keep on the right track this time, and maybe the niece will be able to help. She did tell me she'd kick his ass out if he started going back to his old ways, and I fully support her on that.

The wife and I enjoyed a few drinks Saturday night after dinner (leftover spaghetti from the day before, plus salad), and it was just a quiet night at home. No sex, as we were both too tired and ready for bed by 10:30 or so.

After lunch with the parents today I plan to get out and mow the lawn and do some other yard work. If anything more exciting than that happens I'll update this post later to indicate that, but don't hold your breath, lol.

Joke(s) of the Week

This week I have three golf-themed jokes. I used to play but it's been five years (or more) since I last picked up a club.

Chris returned home after a long day out on the course. Upon walking through the door, he was greeted by his wife, who asked about his game.

"Oh honey, it was awful," sighed Chris. "Glen- you know Glen; Trish's husband?- he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the second hole."

"My God," gasped his wife, "That's terrible! Oh you poor thing."

"Ay, you're telling me. It was awful. For the whole day it was 'hit the ball, drag Glen. Hit the ball, drag Glen.'"

---

A golfing couple were playing their routine course one afternoon. Feeling the peace and serenity of the day, the husband decided to confess his most regrettable action during their marriage.

"My dear, a few years back, I had an affair with my receptionist. I fired her shortly after. I'm telling you this because I felt guilty, and I know that you're the only one for me."

She remains silent for the remainder of the hole. The husband fear that his marriage is lost. Suddenly, she begins to speak.

"I too, have something to admit."

"Pray tell," says the husband, "I'm sure it is not as bad as my sins."

"Well," she says, "In the years before we knew each other, I was a man. I've gone through a sex change."

"WHAT?!" roars the husband. "AND YOU'VE BEEN HITTING FROM THE WOMEN'S TEE ALL THIS TIME?!"

---

Three men, an avid golf threesome, were considering adding a fourth to their weekly round. That day, a new woman overheard the guys talking about their golf game. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

One of the men said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. They figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

The third week, the guys showed up with a new intensity to win. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. On this day, the women played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.."When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his Wee Duff was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

One of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Weekend Update

The weather has been beautiful this weekend, reaching into the 80s on Saturday and it should get just as warm today (Sunday) too. It would have been a perfect weekend for riding the bike, except that I took it in for an oil change and inspection yesterday and won't get it back until tomorrow (when it will be cooler and possibly raining... ugh.)

Last year I wrote about the college kids who live behind us having a crawfish boil and the wife and I going over and enjoying ourselves; they had one again this year and invited us again. I'm not one to turn down free beer and food, so of course we went. The wife even sacrificed going to a ball game in order to eat and drink with the rest of us. There were more parents attending this year, which made it a lot more comfortable for us, and I avoided getting as drunk as I did last year. I'm very happy to report the number of girls at the party wearing loose shirts and no bras was high as well! I saw a lot of bare nipples, and since I was wearing dark sunglasses (it was a nice, sunny day) I think I got away with it without looking like a leering old goat!

I took some crowd pictures just to get a feel for the excitement of the party. The wife saw them later and teased me about just trying to get pictures of the girls; I swear it wasn't my intent, but the girls did wind up being centered in the shots.

The crowd around the crawfish table. The girl on the left may have been giving me the stink eye.

It really was random pointing and shooting; it's just coincidental that girls were always in the center.

These two girls hung all over each other, and were very popular with the guys.

We left around 7:00, but sat together in the backyard while I smoked a cigar and drank a couple beers and listened to the party roll on. The wife got to see a few college dicks as the drunker guys would go to the fence to piss, so I don't feel to bad about the nipples I saw. (Her only complaint was that the boys were drunk and concentrating on pissing without falling down, so none of the dicks were erect.)

We came inside and played around a little after I took a shower (to get rid of the smell of crawfish and cigar smoke), but we were both too tired (and a little too tipsy) to take it any further; we were asleep by 10 or so.

Sunday was a lazy day, and not much to talk about, really. I grilled a couple steaks for lunch as the wife went to a ball game in the afternoon, and I smoked a cigar. (I'm writing this before she gets home from the game.)

In other news, as of Sunday I still have not LAP/JO. I have been more tempted lately, at least for the JO part (which would probably include LAP, honestly) but so far I've stayed strong.

Joke of the Day

A young man with no arms and no legs was laying on the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the sea breeze, when a beautiful lady with a dog walked past.

"Aw" she said, "look at you, sitting here all lonely. I bet you could use a hug"

"Umm... yes," replies the man. "I..I've never been hugged before."

So, feeling sorry for him, she gave him a hug and continued walking her dog on along the beach.

A few minutes later the man noticed another pretty girl coming towards him. She immediately gave him a hug and asked him if he'd like a kiss. The man, still in total shock at all of the sudden attention, replied yes without even thinking. He would have said yes anyway; he'd never been hugged before so you can bet he'd never even kissed before.

So she gave him a big kiss on the lips and was gone before he realized what had happened.

As he lay there in the sunshine, replaying the day over in his head and thinking to himself that things couldn't be much better, yet another beautiful woman approached him. She asked him why he was smiling so much and he tells her about his day and how he had his first hug and his first kiss.

Impressed, the lady said "Wow, you sound like you've had so much fun!"

"Yes," the man replied the man, "the day couldn't be any better!"

"Oh, really?" asks the woman, with a twinkle in her eye. "Have you ever been fucked before?"

The man, who already couldn't believe his luck, began smiling even more than. "No," he answered. "I've never been fucked before."

"Well you're about to be."

"Yeah?" asks the man excitedly.

"Yes," the woman replied. "The tide's coming in!"