Clearing my Head

Or trying to, anyway. Later in the morning on Friday I texted L and asked, just so I'd know, if she was going to be mad all day and not talk to me. She said yes, and it would be better if she didn't say anything at all because it would just be too cruel. She said she wasn't going to say anything that day, or any day, for a while! I told her okay, I hope she has a good weekend and good luck with the other stuff. And I said "I love you." She didn't respond, and I haven't heard a peep from her all weekend.

The rest of the day Friday I worked on the below letter. L will almost certainly never see it because I don't know if there would be any point. If she read it at all, she'd skim over it, focus on some unimportant part of it, and make a big fuss about it. She'd completely miss the overall point, and it would have been a wasted effort.

L thinks this is all motivated by jealousy on my part, and maybe you, the readers, do as well. That's the main reason I'm showing you the letter; in the hopes that it better explains the way I feel about what's going on. Yes, I can't deny that there is some jealousy involved, but I would feel the same if it was either of my other sisters, or even one of my female friends, telling me this same thing. Of course the reaction is stronger because it's L and my feelings for her are so much more complex, but it honestly is not so much about jealousy as it is concern for her.

Anyway, here's the letter.

L,

I’m sorry I upset you earlier, but I was just being honest. I think the main reason you’re mad at me is because you know I’m right about W. He doesn’t want you as his girlfriend; at best he wants you as a fuck buddy. You said as much yesterday when you admitted that you didn’t want to push him because you didn’t want to be let down yet, and wanted to have some fun time first. You know this is what he’s about, and that the two of you aren’t going to be together in any meaningful way. You just don’t want to face that until after the 13^th so you can fuck him without feeling guilty.

Part of me feels like that’s exactly what will happen; you’ll get with him that morning and fuck him all day, get it out of your system; then some time after that, maybe a week, or a month, or whatever,  you’ll admit to yourself that you two won’t be together and break it off. Then you can be mad that he “led you on” and assure me you’re “not that kind of girl” and tell yourself how awful you feel, but still have the satisfaction of having spent all day in bed with him.

And hey, if that’s all it would be I would play along. I could pretend like I believed all along that he was going to drop her for you and you two would have been happy as clams forever. I would be like “oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I really thought he was be the one for you!” I’d know differently, and so would you, but if it made you feel better we could pretend it wasn’t just about you getting laid. I could play along with your fantasies about you and him if I were sure that’s what would happen.

And I want to believe that deep down you know all this, and that you would get your nut and find a reason to break if off with him before you actually fucked his friend. Yes, it’s a fantasy we all have at times, but I want to think that when it came right down to it you wouldn’t be able to; not under these circumstances. Maybe if you two really did become a couple it would be something you could do, to “spice things up,” and not feel too horrible about it the next day when you were sober again.

But W is just someone you’ve hooked up with a few times over the last two years or so, and you don't really know anything about him. And he hasn’t given you any indication that he’ll ever want anything more than that. I want to believe that you wouldn't actually go through with fucking his friend because you know it's not going to work out in the fairy tale way you imagine.

But I also know that you are so desperate to get away from B, and so desperate to have the kind of relationship that you wanted to have with S but was never able to, that you might do something really stupid. You’ve built W up in your mind to be the kind of person that you want to be with, and you're trying to convince yourself that once you and he are together he’ll be different and you’ll be the only one in his life. Even though you should know better and see him for what he is, you are ignoring the obvious signs that he simply isn’t that person.  You’re the one who said last year that he’s a cheater and always will be.

A part of you wants to believe that if you’re freaky enough to do him and his friends, and whoever else he wants you to fuck, that he’ll decide to replace his current girlfriend with you. He won’t though, because he has no reason to. He’ll just use you for his kinky sex knowing he has a “good” girl at home.  And he may say now that it wouldn’t go beyond this friend, but that’s a lie. Once you’ve agreed to that, and have gotten used to fucking the two of them, he’ll start seeing what else he can get you to do. If you think it will stop at just fucking this one friend, you're kidding yourself.

And down the road, when you’ve been used in ways you never would have allowed yourself to be otherwise, and have finally admitted that it’s never going to be more than that with him, you’ll hate yourself for what you’ve done. Some girls could really enjoy that lifestyle, fucking two, three, however many guys all at once, and there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what they want.  And if it turns out that you want that lifestyle, then that’s your decision and none of my business. I’d be completely wrong about the type of person I think you are, but I would sincerely say “be careful but have all the fun you can out of it.”

I'm just saying if you’re going to fuck him, and then fuck him and his buddy and eventually whoever else he wants you to fuck, at least do it knowing that's what you’re getting yourself into. He’s a freak (not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that), and if this is what he’s telling you about now, you can be sure there’s plenty more freaky stuff he isn’t letting you know about yet. You’ll be his living fuck doll, not his partner or his girlfriend. That’s who you'll watch him go home to when he leaves you; the girl who doesn’t do those freaky things, but who he gets along well with. If you do it, you should do it knowing up front that you aren't the first girl he's done this with, and you certainly won't be the last.

But if you don’t want to face it, or admit that’s all it will ever be, that’s your decision. Good luck, and baby I sincerely hope I’m wrong about it all. But I can’t in good conscious play along and tell you “yea, just fuck whoever he wants you to, and eventually you’ll be together and it’ll all work out great!” I wouldn’t do that to anybody I care about, least of all you. Dammit, L, this isn’t jealousy; this is me, your big brother and your friend. Any true friend who loves you would tell you exactly the same thing.

If you don’t believe me, try telling all this to <co-worker>. Tell her everything you’ve told me just about this; what he said about his girlfriend, what he wants you to do with him and his friend, how they do this all the time; everything he’s said in that regard. And tell her how you think if you go along with this, he’ll make you his girlfriend and dump the other girl. If she’s as good a friend as you say she is, she’ll tell you what I’m telling you. Maybe she’ll go about it a better way, and maybe she won’t be as brutally honest about it, but somehow she’ll tell you how fucked up it is. But you and I both know you won't tell her, because you know I'm exactly right about all of this.

I’m your brother and your friend above everything else, whether you believe that or not. Honestly you can talk to me about anything, if you want, and I’ll be here to listen. But if all you want is someone to tell you “oh, that’s a great idea, that will work exactly as you think it will” when all evidence says nothing could be further from the truth, then you’ll have to find another “friend” to talk to. I’ll never be that person.

Again, most of the point would be lost on her, so L will almost certainly never see this letter. I hope she'll come to these conclusions on her own before she does something she'll regret. If she just needs to get laid, I can certainly understand that and don't fault her for it. As much as I am positive TOG doesn't want anything beyond a friends-with-benefits situation with her, he can at least give her a level of intimacy that she doesn't get with B.

But she doesn't see that if TOG wanted a girlfriend who was into his kinks, he would have one already. He and his buddy have been doing this a long time; if he wanted a girl like that as a girlfriend, he's had plenty of opportunities for it. There's a reason he stays with the girl who doesn't get into that, though, and L's plan to bend over backwards to please him (ha!) is doomed to failure.

I know I'm obsessing over something I have no control over, and I'm trying hard to let it go. I hate that she's mad at me now, and is freezing me out because of it. I know it's her life and she has to make her own decisions, and if they blow up in her face all I can do is try to be there to help her pick up the pieces. 

But am I wrong to not want to have a part in the lie she's telling herself about all this?