I may have inadvertently given the wrong impression when I ended the “What the L” series that I would no longer be writing about L. Ha ha ha ha! No, nothing could be further from the truth; I’ll continue to write about her, and sometimes filling in gaps I left. L is still very much a part of our lives, and is the cause focus of a good bit of my depression.
L is kind, sweet, and generous. She and I are very alike in many ways; we have the same odd, even twisted, sense of humor, and even the same character traits. We both can only take so much before we blow up (she’s quicker to that point than I am), but once we blow up we’re ready to put it behind us and move on. Unlike the wife, who will pout and stay sullen for hours, even days, if we get into an argument about something.
One way in which L and I are very different, though, is that she will become vicious when she fights. She knows my insecurities, and when she’s mad enough she has no qualms against throwing them back in my face. She’s made snide comments about my work, monetary situation, and weight. She often says I’m “too damned liberal” and questioned my sexuality because I support marriage equality. The words themselves generally didn’t hurt, or at least not a great deal, but the fact that she wanted to hurt me really did. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that’s the way it is.
But even with all of that, her having the desire to hurt me at least proved to me that I could still touch her. I don’t want to anger her, but she wouldn’t be angry with me and lash out with me if I wasn’t important to her. That sounds kind of fucked up, and I’m probably not explaining myself correctly, but it at least let me know I still had a place in her life, even if it was the wrong place at that moment.
In the spring of last year, things started changing. Earlier in the year, she and B had seemingly worked things out, so she gave up her apartment (which I told her was a bad idea) and moved back in with him. A few months later, she decided she just couldn’t make it work with him, and couldn’t get over her “love” for S, so broke it off again with B (amidst a bunch of drama that I was smack in the middle of) and moved in with S. Inside of two weeks she decided she couldn’t live with S and begged B to let her come back. Surprisingly, B agreed.
This kicked off a pattern over the next few months, and even into the summer, where L moved back and forth between them. It was dumbfounding how both B and S would allow it to happen again and again, but it was kind of fascinating in a perverse way. She’d call me, crying, saying she needed to get away from S; he was too needy, too clingy, too psycho. I (and sometimes the wife) would run down to S (he lived between our city and where B lives), pack all her shit that he’d thrown out into the driveway into our van, then bring her home with us for a few days. Then she’d start begging B to take her back, get upset that he’d initially refuse, and then be happy when he finally relented.
Within a week or so she’d start posting maudlin Facebook pictures about being with the wrong person, how to know if someone truly loves you, etc., and I knew she was on her way back to S soon. Sure enough, off she’d go again. Rinse and repeat. Apparently there were a few that I didn’t even know about until later because they were so short-lived that she didn’t think it was worth mentioning.
…
I realize that I don’t know where to go with this anymore. I intended to explain the little things L would say and do, the little thoughtless, dismissive things that made it more and more obvious to me that I had not only lost status as a lover (which I was able to overcome) but also as an important figure in her life. But how can I make it understood? I can catalogue the little stings, the pettiness on my own part in reaction, and her own casual shrugging off of it, but I don’t think I could get across the helplessness and loneliness I felt.
Let me try this one: she’d left S again and moved in temporarily with a girlfriend of hers from High School and her husband (plus kids.) I found this out two days after it happened, and it meant that she was “in town”, near enough that we could hang out. I was also happy (as was she) that she now had an opportunity to get away from both B and S, and maybe get things in her life settled.
She’d stayed with us a month earlier with the same intention, but that only lasted about 10 days (if that) before she went back to B. I sort of snidely (but a little jokingly) asked if she’d need help moving back with one or the other in a week or so. I expected her to either laugh or get mad, but instead she said “Oh, no, that’s not going to happen. I finally feel at ease for the first time in a year, and don’t feel like someone is always looking over my shoulder at who I’m texting, or needing to know where I’m going. It’s so much less stressful.”
Well. In a fit of pique I replied back “I didn’t realize we’d been that bad, or made everything so stressful for you. My apologies.” I can be passive aggressive with the best of them! Again, I expected her to blow up, become defensive, say how she didn’t mean it that way, etc. But her response was “Oh, I know sweetie. And I’m not trying to be ugly, just being honest.”
Or this one: a week or so later, coming up on the 4th of July, I’d told her that the wife and I wanted to have a cookout, and she should come over with a guy she’d been hanging out with, K. We’d met K the summer before, and he was a friend of L’s from back in school. He had a crush on L, and though L told him over and over that it wasn’t going to happen and they were just friends, he kept hanging around.
(Aside: it paid off for him, because during this period she finally got horny enough to sleep with him. The next morning he was all puppy-dog giddy about it, but she shot that right down and told him it was just weird and couldn’t happen again. End aside.)
So I said, if they were hanging out anyway, to come on by for some burgers or whatever. She said she’d let me know. Two days before the day she said she wouldn’t be able to make it because the girlfriend she was staying with invited her to something the family was doing, and she thought she ought to attend to stay in their good graces. I said I understood.
On the morning of the 4th she said mentioned something about her and K going to one of his brother’s house. I said I thought she was going to be with her friend’s family, and she said no, she’d never really planned to do that. I said they could still come over for the cookout. She said “We might, but don’t wait for us or anything.”
Later, about lunch time, she sent a text saying that she and K were at a local restaurant. I guess an invitation to join them was implied, but I didn’t bother replying.
Those were just two events out of months of hits and dings I felt. If you’ve read them and are thinking “I dunno, Rob, those things don’t really seem that bad,” I really don’t blame you. Now, a year removed from it, it’s hard for me to really express how it felt and what it did to my frame of mind. I just know that it hurt.
We’re better now, L and I. Some days are better than others, but mostly I think we’re settling into a more “normal” sibling relationship. As I’ve mentioned before, we aren’t where we used to be, but some of the closeness was probably part and parcel along with the sexual relationship. Once that stopped, some of that closeness would necessarily go away as well. Or maybe that’s how our relationship would have progressed anyway, even without the sexual relationship.
L is kind, sweet, and generous. She and I are very alike in many ways; we have the same odd, even twisted, sense of humor, and even the same character traits. We both can only take so much before we blow up (she’s quicker to that point than I am), but once we blow up we’re ready to put it behind us and move on. Unlike the wife, who will pout and stay sullen for hours, even days, if we get into an argument about something.
One way in which L and I are very different, though, is that she will become vicious when she fights. She knows my insecurities, and when she’s mad enough she has no qualms against throwing them back in my face. She’s made snide comments about my work, monetary situation, and weight. She often says I’m “too damned liberal” and questioned my sexuality because I support marriage equality. The words themselves generally didn’t hurt, or at least not a great deal, but the fact that she wanted to hurt me really did. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that’s the way it is.
But even with all of that, her having the desire to hurt me at least proved to me that I could still touch her. I don’t want to anger her, but she wouldn’t be angry with me and lash out with me if I wasn’t important to her. That sounds kind of fucked up, and I’m probably not explaining myself correctly, but it at least let me know I still had a place in her life, even if it was the wrong place at that moment.
In the spring of last year, things started changing. Earlier in the year, she and B had seemingly worked things out, so she gave up her apartment (which I told her was a bad idea) and moved back in with him. A few months later, she decided she just couldn’t make it work with him, and couldn’t get over her “love” for S, so broke it off again with B (amidst a bunch of drama that I was smack in the middle of) and moved in with S. Inside of two weeks she decided she couldn’t live with S and begged B to let her come back. Surprisingly, B agreed.
This kicked off a pattern over the next few months, and even into the summer, where L moved back and forth between them. It was dumbfounding how both B and S would allow it to happen again and again, but it was kind of fascinating in a perverse way. She’d call me, crying, saying she needed to get away from S; he was too needy, too clingy, too psycho. I (and sometimes the wife) would run down to S (he lived between our city and where B lives), pack all her shit that he’d thrown out into the driveway into our van, then bring her home with us for a few days. Then she’d start begging B to take her back, get upset that he’d initially refuse, and then be happy when he finally relented.
Within a week or so she’d start posting maudlin Facebook pictures about being with the wrong person, how to know if someone truly loves you, etc., and I knew she was on her way back to S soon. Sure enough, off she’d go again. Rinse and repeat. Apparently there were a few that I didn’t even know about until later because they were so short-lived that she didn’t think it was worth mentioning.
…
I realize that I don’t know where to go with this anymore. I intended to explain the little things L would say and do, the little thoughtless, dismissive things that made it more and more obvious to me that I had not only lost status as a lover (which I was able to overcome) but also as an important figure in her life. But how can I make it understood? I can catalogue the little stings, the pettiness on my own part in reaction, and her own casual shrugging off of it, but I don’t think I could get across the helplessness and loneliness I felt.
Let me try this one: she’d left S again and moved in temporarily with a girlfriend of hers from High School and her husband (plus kids.) I found this out two days after it happened, and it meant that she was “in town”, near enough that we could hang out. I was also happy (as was she) that she now had an opportunity to get away from both B and S, and maybe get things in her life settled.
She’d stayed with us a month earlier with the same intention, but that only lasted about 10 days (if that) before she went back to B. I sort of snidely (but a little jokingly) asked if she’d need help moving back with one or the other in a week or so. I expected her to either laugh or get mad, but instead she said “Oh, no, that’s not going to happen. I finally feel at ease for the first time in a year, and don’t feel like someone is always looking over my shoulder at who I’m texting, or needing to know where I’m going. It’s so much less stressful.”
Well. In a fit of pique I replied back “I didn’t realize we’d been that bad, or made everything so stressful for you. My apologies.” I can be passive aggressive with the best of them! Again, I expected her to blow up, become defensive, say how she didn’t mean it that way, etc. But her response was “Oh, I know sweetie. And I’m not trying to be ugly, just being honest.”
Or this one: a week or so later, coming up on the 4th of July, I’d told her that the wife and I wanted to have a cookout, and she should come over with a guy she’d been hanging out with, K. We’d met K the summer before, and he was a friend of L’s from back in school. He had a crush on L, and though L told him over and over that it wasn’t going to happen and they were just friends, he kept hanging around.
(Aside: it paid off for him, because during this period she finally got horny enough to sleep with him. The next morning he was all puppy-dog giddy about it, but she shot that right down and told him it was just weird and couldn’t happen again. End aside.)
So I said, if they were hanging out anyway, to come on by for some burgers or whatever. She said she’d let me know. Two days before the day she said she wouldn’t be able to make it because the girlfriend she was staying with invited her to something the family was doing, and she thought she ought to attend to stay in their good graces. I said I understood.
On the morning of the 4th she said mentioned something about her and K going to one of his brother’s house. I said I thought she was going to be with her friend’s family, and she said no, she’d never really planned to do that. I said they could still come over for the cookout. She said “We might, but don’t wait for us or anything.”
Later, about lunch time, she sent a text saying that she and K were at a local restaurant. I guess an invitation to join them was implied, but I didn’t bother replying.
Those were just two events out of months of hits and dings I felt. If you’ve read them and are thinking “I dunno, Rob, those things don’t really seem that bad,” I really don’t blame you. Now, a year removed from it, it’s hard for me to really express how it felt and what it did to my frame of mind. I just know that it hurt.
We’re better now, L and I. Some days are better than others, but mostly I think we’re settling into a more “normal” sibling relationship. As I’ve mentioned before, we aren’t where we used to be, but some of the closeness was probably part and parcel along with the sexual relationship. Once that stopped, some of that closeness would necessarily go away as well. Or maybe that’s how our relationship would have progressed anyway, even without the sexual relationship.
your honesty staggers me rob, thank you for that. I'm glad things have settled down, if only so she doesn't say such mean snide things when you'd fight(fighting dirty is a sore subject with me).
ReplyDeleteI just want you to be happy. xo