During one of my (increasingly rare) visits to Facebook the other day, I clicked on a link to an article on relationships a FB friend shared. Though it did have some mind-numbingly obvious statements like “contempt for each other is the number one reason relationships fail” (I’m paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it), some of the information was pretty interesting.
The article was about researchers who studied couples six years after they were married to find the differences between the couples that were still “happily” married and those who were divorced or “chronically unhappy.” The article did not, as far as I can remember, specify how they differentiated between “happy” and “chronically unhappy”, or how they could be sure that people who claimed to be happy truly were, but let’s just take their word that they know what they’re doing, at least for the moment.
It seems that one big factor in couples remaining happily together (outside of the whole not having contempt for each other thing) is the number of times one responds to one’s partner’s “bids.” They describe “bids” as the requests for attention made throughout the parts of the day a couple spends together. For instance, if your spouse or SO makes a comment on an article they are reading, they are looking for a connection that goes beyond the article; they simply want an acknowledgement perhaps a brief (but meaningful) dialogue about it.
Couples that are still happily together respond to 87% of each other’s “bids”, while those who are divorced or chronically unhappy tend to only respond to 33% of the attempts. It’s not just responding, though; it also depends on how you respond. If you mutter “okay” or “uh huh” or something without really giving any attention, or respond with hostility (“stop bothering me while I’m reading”) it’s just as bad as if you completely ignore the bid. In either case, you’re subtly making your spouse feel worthless and invisible, which obviously affects their feelings towards you.
(This is a gross generalization of the article; I highly recommend reading it in entirety instead of relying on my quick synopsis as there is a good bit of other information in there.)
I definitely see myself, at this point in my marriage, as someone who probably doesn’t respond to the wife’s bids as often as I should. I “turn away” instead of “turn toward” more often than not, especially when I’m reading. Sometimes it’s unintentional; I’m really into what I’m reading and it takes several moments before I register that she was saying something. Other times I purposefully give the minimal “uh huh” in the hopes that she’ll get the hint that I’m not interested and wish she would not continue.
In my defense, she does tend to keep up a steady stream of babbling; if they’re all bids, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to respond to more than 45% or 50% of them and still have time to do things like sleeping and masturbating. And of course she does the same to me, except in general I’d say her “turn aways” are far more likely due to her being engrossed in whatever she’s doing and genuinely not hearing me than intentional neglect. Besides, I’ve pretty much stopped making a lot of bids.
Anyway, it’s an interesting article, and I think there’s a lot of validity to their findings.
The article was about researchers who studied couples six years after they were married to find the differences between the couples that were still “happily” married and those who were divorced or “chronically unhappy.” The article did not, as far as I can remember, specify how they differentiated between “happy” and “chronically unhappy”, or how they could be sure that people who claimed to be happy truly were, but let’s just take their word that they know what they’re doing, at least for the moment.
It seems that one big factor in couples remaining happily together (outside of the whole not having contempt for each other thing) is the number of times one responds to one’s partner’s “bids.” They describe “bids” as the requests for attention made throughout the parts of the day a couple spends together. For instance, if your spouse or SO makes a comment on an article they are reading, they are looking for a connection that goes beyond the article; they simply want an acknowledgement perhaps a brief (but meaningful) dialogue about it.
Couples that are still happily together respond to 87% of each other’s “bids”, while those who are divorced or chronically unhappy tend to only respond to 33% of the attempts. It’s not just responding, though; it also depends on how you respond. If you mutter “okay” or “uh huh” or something without really giving any attention, or respond with hostility (“stop bothering me while I’m reading”) it’s just as bad as if you completely ignore the bid. In either case, you’re subtly making your spouse feel worthless and invisible, which obviously affects their feelings towards you.
(This is a gross generalization of the article; I highly recommend reading it in entirety instead of relying on my quick synopsis as there is a good bit of other information in there.)
I definitely see myself, at this point in my marriage, as someone who probably doesn’t respond to the wife’s bids as often as I should. I “turn away” instead of “turn toward” more often than not, especially when I’m reading. Sometimes it’s unintentional; I’m really into what I’m reading and it takes several moments before I register that she was saying something. Other times I purposefully give the minimal “uh huh” in the hopes that she’ll get the hint that I’m not interested and wish she would not continue.
In my defense, she does tend to keep up a steady stream of babbling; if they’re all bids, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to respond to more than 45% or 50% of them and still have time to do things like sleeping and masturbating. And of course she does the same to me, except in general I’d say her “turn aways” are far more likely due to her being engrossed in whatever she’s doing and genuinely not hearing me than intentional neglect. Besides, I’ve pretty much stopped making a lot of bids.
Anyway, it’s an interesting article, and I think there’s a lot of validity to their findings.
I make very few sexual bids anymore. If she's in the mood, she'll say something, or i may hit in an extremely vague way and see if she even goes that direction with me.
ReplyDeleteWhat this article points out to me is, however, that I need to be more in tune with my daughter who seeks attention a lot, and even though i can't give in to a 3-hour Dr.Who conversation every day, I need to listen better.
Rob, I'm pretty sure you and I are married to the same woman.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I see that my wife is "biding" me quite often, and I usually half listen and also call it babble. Whatever space between happy and chronically unhappy...that's where we live. I think it is called "sexless but comfortable".
ReplyDelete