So in the course of our normal texting the other day, L asked questions about my dalliances with Simplicity (who L only knows as my “friend”, of course.) She didn’t ask for any identifying information, just what seemed to be curiosity as to what I thought of the sex, would I see her again, etc. I answered her questions honestly, under the impression that since we are as close as we are, she was genuinely interested and would want me to be honest.
Finally, she sent a text saying “Maybe we should just not talk about her anymore.” She went on to say she couldn’t engage is “just” casual sex, she has to have some feelings, and that she doesn’t even like what happened between us. That last part really hurt, because once again it was like she was implying that she never wanted anything to happen, and that I took advantage of her in some way. Or maybe I’m just projecting; she never actually said it outright, but I felt like it’s what she was saying.
She went on to lecture me about how I should talk to the wife about what is bothering me in our marriage, and work things out so I wouldn’t feel the need to cheat. She’s missing the point, of course, that it has nothing to do with the wife and everything to do with me. She said she could understand an affair where there’s some deeper feelings (like she had), but just to do it because I want different sex is somehow wrong.
I was in a funk the rest of that day, and most of the next. It wasn’t so much that it now seems like we are “off” again, at least for the time being; I’ve come to understand that no matter what she says now, it could be back on in a day, a month, a year… or maybe never. The point is, I don’t stress about it because the potential is always there. I was more down because I felt like she was judging me, and I’d lowered myself in her opinion.
But now I’m also kind of mad at her too. Who the hell is she to lecture me about hurting anyone, after all the shit she’s put both B and S through the past 2 ½ years?! Who is she to say her cheating, because she was “planning” to leave B (which is a good bit of revisionist history there, by the way) is somehow more acceptable than my cheating when I don’t plan to leave the wife? I’m not saying that what I do is right, but who the fuck is she to judge me and say I’m wrong, especially compared to her?
But this is life with L, and I know this so I really have no right to complain. Her mood and even personality swings are border-line bipolar, and even when she makes completely contradictory statements from one day to the other, I think she sincerely believes both at the time. It’s hard not to take it personally, but I know I shouldn’t.
There are times I almost convince myself that I wish we’d never crossed that line and did anything sexual at all, but I know that’s bullshit. For all the pain and agitation it’s caused, I’m glad it happened. I’m glad we had sex last month, even though it reopened wounds I’d almost fooled myself into believing were finally closed. And if she is closing that door again, down the road the opportunity will come up and I’ll jump in with both feet knowing what I’m getting myself into. I’m no better in that regard than B or S, or any other guy she’s ever been involved with.
Finally, she sent a text saying “Maybe we should just not talk about her anymore.” She went on to say she couldn’t engage is “just” casual sex, she has to have some feelings, and that she doesn’t even like what happened between us. That last part really hurt, because once again it was like she was implying that she never wanted anything to happen, and that I took advantage of her in some way. Or maybe I’m just projecting; she never actually said it outright, but I felt like it’s what she was saying.
She went on to lecture me about how I should talk to the wife about what is bothering me in our marriage, and work things out so I wouldn’t feel the need to cheat. She’s missing the point, of course, that it has nothing to do with the wife and everything to do with me. She said she could understand an affair where there’s some deeper feelings (like she had), but just to do it because I want different sex is somehow wrong.
I was in a funk the rest of that day, and most of the next. It wasn’t so much that it now seems like we are “off” again, at least for the time being; I’ve come to understand that no matter what she says now, it could be back on in a day, a month, a year… or maybe never. The point is, I don’t stress about it because the potential is always there. I was more down because I felt like she was judging me, and I’d lowered myself in her opinion.
But now I’m also kind of mad at her too. Who the hell is she to lecture me about hurting anyone, after all the shit she’s put both B and S through the past 2 ½ years?! Who is she to say her cheating, because she was “planning” to leave B (which is a good bit of revisionist history there, by the way) is somehow more acceptable than my cheating when I don’t plan to leave the wife? I’m not saying that what I do is right, but who the fuck is she to judge me and say I’m wrong, especially compared to her?
But this is life with L, and I know this so I really have no right to complain. Her mood and even personality swings are border-line bipolar, and even when she makes completely contradictory statements from one day to the other, I think she sincerely believes both at the time. It’s hard not to take it personally, but I know I shouldn’t.
There are times I almost convince myself that I wish we’d never crossed that line and did anything sexual at all, but I know that’s bullshit. For all the pain and agitation it’s caused, I’m glad it happened. I’m glad we had sex last month, even though it reopened wounds I’d almost fooled myself into believing were finally closed. And if she is closing that door again, down the road the opportunity will come up and I’ll jump in with both feet knowing what I’m getting myself into. I’m no better in that regard than B or S, or any other guy she’s ever been involved with.
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