When we left S’s house on Sunday, he called and said she left some things. I told her I’d pick them up on my way home, but later we realized if I did that he’d know I hadn’t taken her to my town, and would guess she was back with B. At first L said it wouldn’t matter what he knew once she got everything, but then decided it would be best not to say anything that could get him riled up.
I was going to go Monday afternoon while the wife was at a ballgame, but I zoned out while smoking a cigar and really just forgot about it until it was too late. S texted me Wednesday asking when I was coming, and I told him (and L, separately) that I’d forgotten Monday so I’d come that day, Wednesday, if that was okay. I didn’t care that the wife knew I was going, but I wanted to go when she was occupied with something else (meaning baseball) so that she wouldn’t want to go with. S is a large man, and has a touch of crazy to him; I honestly didn’t expect any trouble, but if there was going to be some I didn’t want to have to worry about me and someone else at the same time.
So I drove to S’s place (about a 45 minute drive) and he came out and got L’s things from his truck (he told me it would be there if I came by and he was gone for some reason.) He showed me a ’69 Camaro body he’s working on to get cleaned up and sell (no engine or transmission, but the body is sound and he’s put in a new floor pan) and we talked some, about 20 minutes, before I left. In short, everything was cool and there was no drama to speak of.
Mainly he talked about L, of course, and how frustrated he’s been trying to be with her. A couple times I thought to offer some insight, but it was clear he wasn’t in a listening mood; he wanted to complain about her, and B, and everything that had happened in the past 2 ½ years. I wound up not saying much, just letting him blow off some steam. When I left, the last thing he said was “Tell her that I wish her the best, and hope she finds happiness or whatever she’s looking for. I won’t call or text her anymore, and I prefer that she not contact me.”
That’s all bullshit, of course;if she starts when she starts missing him she’ll call or text, and he’ll fall all over himself to get back in her good graces. Oh, he may talk it up like he doesn’t want anything to do with her and maybe some small part of his mind will actually believe it, but it won’t last long. In that respect, he and B are very much alike.
Another way the two of them are alike is in how incredibly obtuse they both are when it comes to L. Because they were together for so long, B thinks he knows everything there is to know about L, and he isn’t going to listen to anything different. (Not that I’m surprised by that; he acts that way about any subject.)
In his mind, he was a good father to L’s daughter (which is true) and a good provider (which is kind of true) and that L only left him because S has a bigger dick (partially true.) He knows about the two times he caught her being inappropriate with other guys, and that it might have led to sex, but he doesn’t know about the actual screwing around she did. He thinks the hatred that has developed in her for him is a recent thing, even though she’s told him that it happened years ago based on his own actions. He brushes that off with a “get over it” attitude.
S thinks L’s biggest problem is that she spent 15+ years with B, and that he’s the cause of all of L’s mood swings and unwillingness to be close to others. Again, there’s some truth to that, but it’s not the whole story. He knows L fucked around on her first husband, whom she was still married to when she and B moved in together (after only knowing each other about a week.) If he’d listen, and think it through, he would realize that most of the things L has gone through with B she already went through with the first husband. B has his faults, and plenty of them, but he’s not totally to blame.
But because S thinks it’s all B’s fault that L is the way she is, he completely discounts any notion of anything he’s done as adding to the problem. He does react to her criticisms, though; for instance, she’s told him a number of times that he’s too clingy so he tries to back off to see if that will please her. It’s a step ahead of what B will do, but it still misses the point. He does it with an “I hope this will make her happy” attitude, instead of seeing how his clinginess and neediness comes through with everything he does. He suffocates her and doesn’t even begin to have a clue about it because he thinks she should be happy with his over-attention. You know, like all “normal” women would be.
These are just examples, of course. I could go on and on about the complaints L has about both of them, and ways they could potentially adjust their own behaviors to try to please her, but I’d be wasting my breath. True, some of the L’s complaints are a bit childish, but some are reasonable and deserve at least some consideration. But both B and S are 1) too unwilling to recognize their own faults and 2) too stubborn to change even if they did.
And frankly, I don’t know how much it would matter if they did change. I suspect that if either of them were to somehow become exactly what she was looking for, she would still wind up feeling trapped and smothered with them. I think she needs to be truly on her own, not dependent on or controlled by anyone, in order to really be happy. She wants to be able to, at her whim, date S or B or anyone else she chooses, and doesn’t want to be tied to any one person.
That’s one of the many ways she and I are alike.
I was going to go Monday afternoon while the wife was at a ballgame, but I zoned out while smoking a cigar and really just forgot about it until it was too late. S texted me Wednesday asking when I was coming, and I told him (and L, separately) that I’d forgotten Monday so I’d come that day, Wednesday, if that was okay. I didn’t care that the wife knew I was going, but I wanted to go when she was occupied with something else (meaning baseball) so that she wouldn’t want to go with. S is a large man, and has a touch of crazy to him; I honestly didn’t expect any trouble, but if there was going to be some I didn’t want to have to worry about me and someone else at the same time.
So I drove to S’s place (about a 45 minute drive) and he came out and got L’s things from his truck (he told me it would be there if I came by and he was gone for some reason.) He showed me a ’69 Camaro body he’s working on to get cleaned up and sell (no engine or transmission, but the body is sound and he’s put in a new floor pan) and we talked some, about 20 minutes, before I left. In short, everything was cool and there was no drama to speak of.
Mainly he talked about L, of course, and how frustrated he’s been trying to be with her. A couple times I thought to offer some insight, but it was clear he wasn’t in a listening mood; he wanted to complain about her, and B, and everything that had happened in the past 2 ½ years. I wound up not saying much, just letting him blow off some steam. When I left, the last thing he said was “Tell her that I wish her the best, and hope she finds happiness or whatever she’s looking for. I won’t call or text her anymore, and I prefer that she not contact me.”
That’s all bullshit, of course;
Another way the two of them are alike is in how incredibly obtuse they both are when it comes to L. Because they were together for so long, B thinks he knows everything there is to know about L, and he isn’t going to listen to anything different. (Not that I’m surprised by that; he acts that way about any subject.)
In his mind, he was a good father to L’s daughter (which is true) and a good provider (which is kind of true) and that L only left him because S has a bigger dick (partially true.) He knows about the two times he caught her being inappropriate with other guys, and that it might have led to sex, but he doesn’t know about the actual screwing around she did. He thinks the hatred that has developed in her for him is a recent thing, even though she’s told him that it happened years ago based on his own actions. He brushes that off with a “get over it” attitude.
S thinks L’s biggest problem is that she spent 15+ years with B, and that he’s the cause of all of L’s mood swings and unwillingness to be close to others. Again, there’s some truth to that, but it’s not the whole story. He knows L fucked around on her first husband, whom she was still married to when she and B moved in together (after only knowing each other about a week.) If he’d listen, and think it through, he would realize that most of the things L has gone through with B she already went through with the first husband. B has his faults, and plenty of them, but he’s not totally to blame.
But because S thinks it’s all B’s fault that L is the way she is, he completely discounts any notion of anything he’s done as adding to the problem. He does react to her criticisms, though; for instance, she’s told him a number of times that he’s too clingy so he tries to back off to see if that will please her. It’s a step ahead of what B will do, but it still misses the point. He does it with an “I hope this will make her happy” attitude, instead of seeing how his clinginess and neediness comes through with everything he does. He suffocates her and doesn’t even begin to have a clue about it because he thinks she should be happy with his over-attention. You know, like all “normal” women would be.
These are just examples, of course. I could go on and on about the complaints L has about both of them, and ways they could potentially adjust their own behaviors to try to please her, but I’d be wasting my breath. True, some of the L’s complaints are a bit childish, but some are reasonable and deserve at least some consideration. But both B and S are 1) too unwilling to recognize their own faults and 2) too stubborn to change even if they did.
And frankly, I don’t know how much it would matter if they did change. I suspect that if either of them were to somehow become exactly what she was looking for, she would still wind up feeling trapped and smothered with them. I think she needs to be truly on her own, not dependent on or controlled by anyone, in order to really be happy. She wants to be able to, at her whim, date S or B or anyone else she chooses, and doesn’t want to be tied to any one person.
That’s one of the many ways she and I are alike.
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