The sex with L was, as always, fantastic. Everything about it, the teasing and buildup, the foreplay (mental and physical), the act and the release, are all simply the best I’ve ever had. I’m sure a good bit of that comes from the taboo nature, the naughtiness, of the relationship, but a lot of it is simply skill and enthusiasm on L’s part. Being inside her again was like realizing the Novocain has worn off and your face feels normal again. Or like breathing fresh air after being cooped up in a stuffy room all night.
That’s not really conveying well how it felt, I guess. Like they say: finding the perfect analogy is like… it’s like… Damn it!
But more than the sex, as great as it was, is what it represents. In fact, the entirety of Sunday and Monday together just put me back in a better place emotionally about our relationship. It was nice to have her compliment me on my dick, and my skills. Knowing she really does think of me that way, despite the air of indifference towards it all that she displayed in the past year or so, made me feel better. Just the acknowledgement of what we had, and the confirmation that it meant something more to her than she was seemingly willing to admit before, has eased the knot of frustration I’ve felt about it for the past year or so.
But even if the sex play, and later sex, had not happened at all, just the return to openness and honesty with each other would have made me feel better than I have in a while. Her willingness to share not just her problems with B but also her hopes and plans and details about her and S brings us closer to the place we were for the first year we knew each other. And I assure you, I missed that more than anything else (though the sex comes a close second.) It still stings a little when she talks about the sex they have, but I can live handle it better now.
I also know that, the weekend notwithstanding, this doesn’t mean we’re back “on” in the sense we used to mean it. It feels different in that I don’t think I’ll obsessively be looking for every opportunity for us to have a few minutes alone to make out, and stressing out about how to arrange for us to have some real time alone to have sex. I understand L and her moods a little better now, and I know that if she’s not interested in having sex with me, it’s not that I’ve done something wrong or failed to measure up in some way.
It’s no longer a sexual relationship that we’re in, and in fact maybe that was my problem all along, thinking that we were and defining it in my mind that way. Our relationship is about being close, and sharing details of our lives, and laughing and crying together. On the rare occasion, when the timing is right and circumstances all come together the right way, maybe we’ll have sex; and if we do it’ll be mind-blowing! If we don’t, I may be disappointed at the lost opportunity, but I don’t think I’ll see it as the tragedy that I once did.
And I don’t for a minute believe that now we’re completely fixed and will never have problems between us again. I’m sure we’ll disagree, and even fight, about things. Chances are better than even that something will happen, like her canceling plans for all of us to get together at the last minute, that will make me feel slighted and mope about it. But maybe now it will be a little easier for us both to deal with things, knowing we’ve got each other’s backs.
That’s not really conveying well how it felt, I guess. Like they say: finding the perfect analogy is like… it’s like… Damn it!
But more than the sex, as great as it was, is what it represents. In fact, the entirety of Sunday and Monday together just put me back in a better place emotionally about our relationship. It was nice to have her compliment me on my dick, and my skills. Knowing she really does think of me that way, despite the air of indifference towards it all that she displayed in the past year or so, made me feel better. Just the acknowledgement of what we had, and the confirmation that it meant something more to her than she was seemingly willing to admit before, has eased the knot of frustration I’ve felt about it for the past year or so.
But even if the sex play, and later sex, had not happened at all, just the return to openness and honesty with each other would have made me feel better than I have in a while. Her willingness to share not just her problems with B but also her hopes and plans and details about her and S brings us closer to the place we were for the first year we knew each other. And I assure you, I missed that more than anything else (though the sex comes a close second.) It still stings a little when she talks about the sex they have, but I can live handle it better now.
I also know that, the weekend notwithstanding, this doesn’t mean we’re back “on” in the sense we used to mean it. It feels different in that I don’t think I’ll obsessively be looking for every opportunity for us to have a few minutes alone to make out, and stressing out about how to arrange for us to have some real time alone to have sex. I understand L and her moods a little better now, and I know that if she’s not interested in having sex with me, it’s not that I’ve done something wrong or failed to measure up in some way.
It’s no longer a sexual relationship that we’re in, and in fact maybe that was my problem all along, thinking that we were and defining it in my mind that way. Our relationship is about being close, and sharing details of our lives, and laughing and crying together. On the rare occasion, when the timing is right and circumstances all come together the right way, maybe we’ll have sex; and if we do it’ll be mind-blowing! If we don’t, I may be disappointed at the lost opportunity, but I don’t think I’ll see it as the tragedy that I once did.
And I don’t for a minute believe that now we’re completely fixed and will never have problems between us again. I’m sure we’ll disagree, and even fight, about things. Chances are better than even that something will happen, like her canceling plans for all of us to get together at the last minute, that will make me feel slighted and mope about it. But maybe now it will be a little easier for us both to deal with things, knowing we’ve got each other’s backs.
I'm so glad you've both come to this place rob. But more importantly I'm glad you've come to terms with the relationship...and that in hearing her validation has given you a peace of mind. You certainly deserve it with all the ups and downs she's put you thru the last year whether they were intentional on her behalf or not.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good person rob, and I can hear your relief in where the relationship is now for you(and her).
Hugs,
mg