I started my current job a year ago this month, but as a contract employee through a temp hiring service. I really enjoy the job, I like the people I work with, and I respect the company I work for. It also helps that it pays more than any other job I’ve had before, which is kind of sad when you consider it still barely cracks $40K/year. I can’t complain, though; it’s twice what I was making at my old job, and far far more than I made owning my own business.
The one downside is that I start at 8 a.m., and it’s a 30 minute drive, so I have to leave the house around 7 so I can get here and get my work area settled, relax, etc. It’s fine, though; I’m a morning person and I’m usually up by 4:30 or 5:00 most days anyway (I sleep in until 6:00 on the weekends when I can), so it’s not like I have to rush to get out. It’s just been an adjustment.
Previously, when I had my own company (I was a co-owner, actually), I wouldn’t have to be at the office until 10 or so. If I had clients needing immediate attention I could get there whenever they needed me, but for the most part I would wake up at my normal 4:30 or 5:00, exercise (if I had the motivation), have coffee with the wife, then wave good bye as she left with at least two hours before I had to start getting ready for work! Guys know what I’m getting at here, right? Well, women who read my blog probably know what I’m getting at here too for that matter. Alone time!
“Alone time” is my euphemism for masturbation, and WOW! did I do a lot of that! Every day I was on my favorite sites reading sex stories, watching videos, and slowly stroking myself. I could take my time and “edge” over and over, letting the pleasure build up then back off. Usually I’d just sit on my couch with a towel (that’s where I keep my laptop), but sometimes I’d kick it up a notch and spread out on our bed. That way I could be a little more adventurous with positions and toys (yes, I like toys as long as they’re small and thin enough). The orgasms weren’t always mind-blowing, but they were always satisfying.
And despite the daily jack-off sessions, I would still be aroused enough to want sex more often than not. The wife isn’t always likewise ready, so I’ve learned over the years not to put myself in a position to be too disappointed when nothing happens. And heck, there’s always the next morning to enjoy myself, so no biggie, right?
Even after giving up on having my own company (going months at a time without receiving even a weekly paycheck tends to sap your enthusiasm) and starting the phone support job, I didn’t have to be in at work until 9:30 or 10:00, depending on how they changed the schedule. That meant I didn’t have quite as much time, but it was still enough to enjoy myself thoroughly. The freedom to be completely naked while I played was heavenly.
But then I started this job. Again, I like it, and it pays well, but I’m out of the house every morning before the wife is. That means I don’t get much time to play, and even my ability to exercise in the morning is hampered because it throws off my timing. Last summer I could make up for it when the wife had games to go to that evening, but it’s not the same. As I said, I’m a morning person and that includes being at my most horny in the morning. That’s not to say I can’t enjoy myself at nights, alone or with… someone. But it’s just not the same for some reason that I’m not sure I can adequately explain.
And once baseball season was over, even that window of opportunity went away. I rapidly went from pleasuring myself almost every day (morning) to the occasional wank when I had the time and motivation.
And I was slowly losing the motivation, to be honest. Not only was I not getting to jack off, a lot of times I just didn’t feel like it even if I did have time. Part of this was the depression I started going through at the same time (mostly because of L and the ups and downs of our fucked up relationship) but that wasn’t all of it. It was just a general lack of interest in getting off, either with the wife or alone.
At the same time this was going on, I was still half-heartedly trying to get something going with A, the girl I worked with before. I wasn’t making any progress, but the hope was still there. Also, it was near the end of that summer that I started really feeling the urge to get with another man so strongly. If I did get motivated to masturbate, it was usually to fantasies involving A, T, or some other man-on-man situation. And even then I noticed that my erections weren’t really as strong as before, and though I would enjoy the orgasms they just weren’t as satisfying as they had been.
So fast forward to this past April, and that’s where I was. Except the rare times alone at home became even rarer because the niece is staying with us, so even if the wife is at a game I still don’t often have time. But I’d honestly just gotten to the point where it didn’t matter. I worried about my lack of desire to get off in some way more than the fact that I wasn’t getting off. I thought maybe it was age, or being out of shape. I even considered that I might have low testosterone, as I seemed to have a lot of the same symptoms, which includes depression and decreased sex drive. (As it happens, my testosterone level is fine, according the lab tests done this summer.) I didn’t know if the depression was keeping me from wanting sex, or if the lack of desire for sex was making me depressed. It was probably a little of both, one feeding the other in a vicious circle.
But by April I’d been blogging for a month, and exorcising some of my demons, which has helped. (Don’t worry, there are still some demons left; I’m not going anywhere for a while.) I also discovered Dizcrete, though sadly now defunct, and there I talked to a number of men who were going through the same closeted bisexual urges that I was. Of course you know that’s also where I met Brent.
I started noticing, from chatting and looking at pictures there, that I was slowly starting to get back some of those old feelings. Not like before, mind you, but I was aroused more often. I was finding time in the morning once in a while to rub one out before the girls woke up, or ducking into the men’s room at work to sneak one in. I still had times where it was the last thing on my mind, but more and more it was becoming something to look forward to again. And I was starting to get interested in sex with the wife again, though there’s still the issue of synching up the timing.
The more Brent and I talked, and planned to meet, the more I was getting back to my old self. My biggest worry was that my libido would pick the day we actually did meet to go back in hiding, but it turned out that wasn’t the case. I was nervous, and it took some bit of effort to get me going, but once I did everything was fine. In fact, after I came I might have been able to go again (with some effort), but we ran out of time and had to wrap it up.
In a comment on the post where I told of Brent’s and my adventure, JFB asked if this was now something I’d gotten out of my system and was ready to move on, or did it make me want it again even more. After some weeks of reflection, here is my current answer:
I enjoyed the encounter (thanks again, Brent!), and I think there is no doubt I needed to experience it. I didn’t, and don’t, have any negative feelings about it like regret or guilt, and I’m definitely open to the possibility of doing it again at some point in the future. The desperation for the experience that I felt last year isn’t there, and that’s probably a good thing. But I could see, under the right circumstances, doing it again, and I think my anxiety level would be less the next time around. I’m not actively searching for anything at the moment, but I’m keeping my eyes (and mind) open to opportunities that might come along.
My somewhat ambivalent feelings about future experiences should be in no way considered a reflection on Brent, and I hope it doesn’t come off that way. My desire for sex with guys has always been this way; sometimes very strong and other times barely there. If it weren’t for the logistics, I’d definitely be willing to meet up with him for another encounter, and that’s something that may happen down the road anyway.
In the past few weeks, LF and I have been talking more and more, and now it’s like every day I’m in need of finding time to take care of business. My concern used to be whether or not I could even get an erection; now it’s how to hide the obvious bulge in my pants from my coworkers.
I don’t know if there’s any one thing that’s been the cause of the turn-around; likely it’s a combination of a lot of factors. But I believe the excitement of a new, naughty relationship with LF has a lot to do with it. It’s hard to stay in a dark mood when I'm anticipating meeting someone for the first time, kissing her, getting sweaty together… yea, I think I’m going to have to go to the men’s room againtoday.
I’m also more responsive on those occasions when the wife wants some action, which is nice. On the other hand, that also means more often than not I’m horny and she’s not, but that’s at least another sign of things getting back to normal.
And heck, there’s always the next morning to enjoy myself, so no biggie, right?
The one downside is that I start at 8 a.m., and it’s a 30 minute drive, so I have to leave the house around 7 so I can get here and get my work area settled, relax, etc. It’s fine, though; I’m a morning person and I’m usually up by 4:30 or 5:00 most days anyway (I sleep in until 6:00 on the weekends when I can), so it’s not like I have to rush to get out. It’s just been an adjustment.
Previously, when I had my own company (I was a co-owner, actually), I wouldn’t have to be at the office until 10 or so. If I had clients needing immediate attention I could get there whenever they needed me, but for the most part I would wake up at my normal 4:30 or 5:00, exercise (if I had the motivation), have coffee with the wife, then wave good bye as she left with at least two hours before I had to start getting ready for work! Guys know what I’m getting at here, right? Well, women who read my blog probably know what I’m getting at here too for that matter. Alone time!
“Alone time” is my euphemism for masturbation, and WOW! did I do a lot of that! Every day I was on my favorite sites reading sex stories, watching videos, and slowly stroking myself. I could take my time and “edge” over and over, letting the pleasure build up then back off. Usually I’d just sit on my couch with a towel (that’s where I keep my laptop), but sometimes I’d kick it up a notch and spread out on our bed. That way I could be a little more adventurous with positions and toys (yes, I like toys as long as they’re small and thin enough). The orgasms weren’t always mind-blowing, but they were always satisfying.
And despite the daily jack-off sessions, I would still be aroused enough to want sex more often than not. The wife isn’t always likewise ready, so I’ve learned over the years not to put myself in a position to be too disappointed when nothing happens. And heck, there’s always the next morning to enjoy myself, so no biggie, right?
Even after giving up on having my own company (going months at a time without receiving even a weekly paycheck tends to sap your enthusiasm) and starting the phone support job, I didn’t have to be in at work until 9:30 or 10:00, depending on how they changed the schedule. That meant I didn’t have quite as much time, but it was still enough to enjoy myself thoroughly. The freedom to be completely naked while I played was heavenly.
But then I started this job. Again, I like it, and it pays well, but I’m out of the house every morning before the wife is. That means I don’t get much time to play, and even my ability to exercise in the morning is hampered because it throws off my timing. Last summer I could make up for it when the wife had games to go to that evening, but it’s not the same. As I said, I’m a morning person and that includes being at my most horny in the morning. That’s not to say I can’t enjoy myself at nights, alone or with… someone. But it’s just not the same for some reason that I’m not sure I can adequately explain.
And once baseball season was over, even that window of opportunity went away. I rapidly went from pleasuring myself almost every day (morning) to the occasional wank when I had the time and motivation.
And I was slowly losing the motivation, to be honest. Not only was I not getting to jack off, a lot of times I just didn’t feel like it even if I did have time. Part of this was the depression I started going through at the same time (mostly because of L and the ups and downs of our fucked up relationship) but that wasn’t all of it. It was just a general lack of interest in getting off, either with the wife or alone.
At the same time this was going on, I was still half-heartedly trying to get something going with A, the girl I worked with before. I wasn’t making any progress, but the hope was still there. Also, it was near the end of that summer that I started really feeling the urge to get with another man so strongly. If I did get motivated to masturbate, it was usually to fantasies involving A, T, or some other man-on-man situation. And even then I noticed that my erections weren’t really as strong as before, and though I would enjoy the orgasms they just weren’t as satisfying as they had been.
So fast forward to this past April, and that’s where I was. Except the rare times alone at home became even rarer because the niece is staying with us, so even if the wife is at a game I still don’t often have time. But I’d honestly just gotten to the point where it didn’t matter. I worried about my lack of desire to get off in some way more than the fact that I wasn’t getting off. I thought maybe it was age, or being out of shape. I even considered that I might have low testosterone, as I seemed to have a lot of the same symptoms, which includes depression and decreased sex drive. (As it happens, my testosterone level is fine, according the lab tests done this summer.) I didn’t know if the depression was keeping me from wanting sex, or if the lack of desire for sex was making me depressed. It was probably a little of both, one feeding the other in a vicious circle.
But by April I’d been blogging for a month, and exorcising some of my demons, which has helped. (Don’t worry, there are still some demons left; I’m not going anywhere for a while.) I also discovered Dizcrete, though sadly now defunct, and there I talked to a number of men who were going through the same closeted bisexual urges that I was. Of course you know that’s also where I met Brent.
I started noticing, from chatting and looking at pictures there, that I was slowly starting to get back some of those old feelings. Not like before, mind you, but I was aroused more often. I was finding time in the morning once in a while to rub one out before the girls woke up, or ducking into the men’s room at work to sneak one in. I still had times where it was the last thing on my mind, but more and more it was becoming something to look forward to again. And I was starting to get interested in sex with the wife again, though there’s still the issue of synching up the timing.
The more Brent and I talked, and planned to meet, the more I was getting back to my old self. My biggest worry was that my libido would pick the day we actually did meet to go back in hiding, but it turned out that wasn’t the case. I was nervous, and it took some bit of effort to get me going, but once I did everything was fine. In fact, after I came I might have been able to go again (with some effort), but we ran out of time and had to wrap it up.
In a comment on the post where I told of Brent’s and my adventure, JFB asked if this was now something I’d gotten out of my system and was ready to move on, or did it make me want it again even more. After some weeks of reflection, here is my current answer:
I enjoyed the encounter (thanks again, Brent!), and I think there is no doubt I needed to experience it. I didn’t, and don’t, have any negative feelings about it like regret or guilt, and I’m definitely open to the possibility of doing it again at some point in the future. The desperation for the experience that I felt last year isn’t there, and that’s probably a good thing. But I could see, under the right circumstances, doing it again, and I think my anxiety level would be less the next time around. I’m not actively searching for anything at the moment, but I’m keeping my eyes (and mind) open to opportunities that might come along.
My somewhat ambivalent feelings about future experiences should be in no way considered a reflection on Brent, and I hope it doesn’t come off that way. My desire for sex with guys has always been this way; sometimes very strong and other times barely there. If it weren’t for the logistics, I’d definitely be willing to meet up with him for another encounter, and that’s something that may happen down the road anyway.
In the past few weeks, LF and I have been talking more and more, and now it’s like every day I’m in need of finding time to take care of business. My concern used to be whether or not I could even get an erection; now it’s how to hide the obvious bulge in my pants from my coworkers.
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| I mean, look at this thing! |
I’m also more responsive on those occasions when the wife wants some action, which is nice. On the other hand, that also means more often than not I’m horny and she’s not, but that’s at least another sign of things getting back to normal.
And heck, there’s always the next morning to enjoy myself, so no biggie, right?
This was a great post Rob. I'm totally fascinated by it. Your insight about what's been happening, etc and how things work for you. Thank you so much for sharing! ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, you're so sweet, MG! Thank you for both comments!
DeleteOh, and nice pic!! ;)
ReplyDeleteDid I mention that I'd love to blow you?
ReplyDeleteYou know, now that you mention it, I think the subject has come up a time or two, lol. And the feeling is mutual. If you ever make it to the area... ;)
Delete