L came by the house several weeks ago so I could setup a new email account on her phone and disable her old one. I didn’t ask (because I just don’t anymore) but I figured this was to keep the boyfriend from contacting her. Over the past two years she’s changed mobile numbers twice and has blocked him at least three for four times, but always winds up in contact with him again. Changing her email won’t keep him from talking to her, or her to him, but I didn’t bother saying anything; I just did what she asked.
In the process of setting up the new account, she forgot what password she used. Since it was a Gmail account, I logged out of mine then did the “forgot password” function on the login page, which started the process for her to enter a new password. She didn’t want me seeing it so I handed her my computer to let her type it in herself. Somehow, my Gmail accounts came up, and she saw the name of the one I use on this blog, curiousinroanoke AT gmail DOT com.
She didn’t see anything other than the account name, but that was enough for her to start accusing me of having some “whole secret life.” Well, yea I guess I do, but I’m not going to admit it to her! At first she assumed it was all about trying to hook up with women, which is also partially true (LF and I had been talking already by then), and when I tried changing the subject she said “fine, but this isn’t over.” She was saying it with a laugh, but it was a rueful laugh that left no doubt that she wasn’t pleased.
Later, after she’d left, she texted saying “curious is the word they use when talking about same-sex stuff.” I acted shocked that she would even think such a thing (Ha!) and told her it’s just a name I made up to stay more anonymous. She wanted to know what I needed to be anonymous for, and I said if I wanted to tell her that, I wouldn’t need to stay anonymous. She responded “Ha ha”, and that was it.
(I made the address last year when I was trying to use Craig's List to hook up with guys, and now I use it for everything I want to keep as hidden as possible.)
It was right after this that I started noticing that she was being flirtier, which I wrote about earlier this week. We’ve been alone a few times since then, and I’ve been expecting her to bring the email account up again but she hasn’t. In one way I’m glad, but in another way I kind of want a confrontation about it. Really, I guess I just want her to be jealous of what I might be doing (though I don’t want her to suspect any of the bisexual activities.) And it’s frustrating that she hasn’t brought it up!
I’ve been tempted to “accidentally” send her a text; something that wouldn’t be too sexually blatant but would be obviously meant for someone else, and be just suggestive enough to indicate something naughty (or at least sneaky) is going on. And yes, I KNOW exactly how childish that sounds, which is one reason why I haven’t done it. Another reason I haven’t is because L is so unpredictable; it may start up the conversation I want, with me getting to play coy and watching her get jealous. Or she may fly right the fuck off the handle and go nuclear. I admit a small part of me wonders about just how that would play out and thinks it could be interesting to see, but the repercussions could be huge and I’m reluctant to take that chance.
There are other reasons I haven’t yet done it: For one, it feels creepy to think about trying to be that manipulative of her, and the potential pain it could cause her. Also, what if I do send something and L just doesn’t care. I’d apologize, saying that the message wasn’t meant for her or to ignore it or whatever, and she says “oh, okay” and that’s it. I think that would be worse than “nuclear” reaction.
But despite all of that, I’m still sorely tempted to do it. I’ve almost sent some carefully formed text two or three times a day all week, and I already have in mind what I would send today if I were to send it. I have the same feeling I usually do after two drinks on a work night when I’m thinking about getting a third: I want my wife to tell me not to, even though I know I’ll resent her for it. And though I’m hoping she’ll say “go for it”, I would consider it irresponsible of her to encourage me in that way. I want to say maturity will prevail, but I’m not at all certain of that right now. On the bright side, if I do send something, it will make for one hell of a post later, right?
For the record, it’s harder to write about L now. I feel like everything I talk about is being drowned out by some air raid horn blaring out “SHE’S MY SISTER! SHE’S MY SISTER! SHE’S MY SISTER!” I think that will pass over time, or at least I hope so. As I said, this blog will be useless to me (and boring for you, the readers) if I’m not able to write honestly about everything, including L.
In the process of setting up the new account, she forgot what password she used. Since it was a Gmail account, I logged out of mine then did the “forgot password” function on the login page, which started the process for her to enter a new password. She didn’t want me seeing it so I handed her my computer to let her type it in herself. Somehow, my Gmail accounts came up, and she saw the name of the one I use on this blog, curiousinroanoke AT gmail DOT com.
She didn’t see anything other than the account name, but that was enough for her to start accusing me of having some “whole secret life.” Well, yea I guess I do, but I’m not going to admit it to her! At first she assumed it was all about trying to hook up with women, which is also partially true (LF and I had been talking already by then), and when I tried changing the subject she said “fine, but this isn’t over.” She was saying it with a laugh, but it was a rueful laugh that left no doubt that she wasn’t pleased.
Later, after she’d left, she texted saying “curious is the word they use when talking about same-sex stuff.” I acted shocked that she would even think such a thing (Ha!) and told her it’s just a name I made up to stay more anonymous. She wanted to know what I needed to be anonymous for, and I said if I wanted to tell her that, I wouldn’t need to stay anonymous. She responded “Ha ha”, and that was it.
(I made the address last year when I was trying to use Craig's List to hook up with guys, and now I use it for everything I want to keep as hidden as possible.)
It was right after this that I started noticing that she was being flirtier, which I wrote about earlier this week. We’ve been alone a few times since then, and I’ve been expecting her to bring the email account up again but she hasn’t. In one way I’m glad, but in another way I kind of want a confrontation about it. Really, I guess I just want her to be jealous of what I might be doing (though I don’t want her to suspect any of the bisexual activities.) And it’s frustrating that she hasn’t brought it up!
I’ve been tempted to “accidentally” send her a text; something that wouldn’t be too sexually blatant but would be obviously meant for someone else, and be just suggestive enough to indicate something naughty (or at least sneaky) is going on. And yes, I KNOW exactly how childish that sounds, which is one reason why I haven’t done it. Another reason I haven’t is because L is so unpredictable; it may start up the conversation I want, with me getting to play coy and watching her get jealous. Or she may fly right the fuck off the handle and go nuclear. I admit a small part of me wonders about just how that would play out and thinks it could be interesting to see, but the repercussions could be huge and I’m reluctant to take that chance.
There are other reasons I haven’t yet done it: For one, it feels creepy to think about trying to be that manipulative of her, and the potential pain it could cause her. Also, what if I do send something and L just doesn’t care. I’d apologize, saying that the message wasn’t meant for her or to ignore it or whatever, and she says “oh, okay” and that’s it. I think that would be worse than “nuclear” reaction.
But despite all of that, I’m still sorely tempted to do it. I’ve almost sent some carefully formed text two or three times a day all week, and I already have in mind what I would send today if I were to send it. I have the same feeling I usually do after two drinks on a work night when I’m thinking about getting a third: I want my wife to tell me not to, even though I know I’ll resent her for it. And though I’m hoping she’ll say “go for it”, I would consider it irresponsible of her to encourage me in that way. I want to say maturity will prevail, but I’m not at all certain of that right now. On the bright side, if I do send something, it will make for one hell of a post later, right?
For the record, it’s harder to write about L now. I feel like everything I talk about is being drowned out by some air raid horn blaring out “SHE’S MY SISTER! SHE’S MY SISTER! SHE’S MY SISTER!” I think that will pass over time, or at least I hope so. As I said, this blog will be useless to me (and boring for you, the readers) if I’m not able to write honestly about everything, including L.
I think she'll go nuts, and I'm not sure that it's worth that. And I am sorry you're finding it harder to write about L. I will say, not once while I say reading your post did I think that. I know you think people will be weirded out but hopefully you'll be surprised by how people aren't.
ReplyDeleteHugs Rob, have a good weekend!
Thanks, mg. You have a good weekend too. :-)
DeleteIt is probably better to just let her alone on the subject of the email account, and it just might make her break from curiosity and eventually confront you again about it.
ReplyDeleteBut since I don't know her as well as you do,(and I have skeletons in my closet and some deep dark secrets that should not be let out) My fear would be that she might bring the subject up sometime when it would be most harmful to you, say in front of the wife, co workers, friends, or even family, and expect an answer.
For me, that is my biggest fear.
having someone that knows my secrets and is waiting for me to piss them off or they are waiting for the most opportune time, so that they can bring the subject up and let the secret out and really put me on the spot where it can do the most damage.
But then again, perhaps she is waiting for you to confront her with it
On the subject of it being "your sister", creeping readers out, that thought should not even enter your mind when it is post writing time.
I am speaking for all your readers as well, or at least the ones that leave comments, because we have all been supportive of you on that subject.
Keep on writing your posts as if you have never mentioned the subject before.
Those are things I also worry about, Onan. Especially when she's got a really good drunk going. I'll write about that in my Weekend Update.
DeleteThis is why I hate the auto-form-fill function. I have done a Google search on my own anonymous Gmail user name and I think it is pretty obvious where my interests are. That is what I would worry about.
ReplyDeleteI'd let this thing go and hope she forgets the username. On the otherhand? How certain are you she would freak-out about you curiosity?
I don't think she'd freak out enntirely, but she would definitely judge me harshly. She would throw it in my face as a way to hurt me if she got mad about something, or was just in a mean mood. I couldn't trust her as a confidant about something like this.
Delete