Friday night we went to a local establishment and saw a kick-ass, rockin and rollin band. I got drunker than I needed to, but damn I had a great time! The wife isn't a big fan of that type of music (she likes more of the club music) but some of our friends were there and she had a good time hanging out with them.
The local baseball team had their Open House day Saturday morning, so the wife went to that with our family friend (and the guy who paid for hers and his season tickets) while I went to my mothers for the weekly visit. I was feeling pretty rough, but I pulled it off and got out okay after a respectable 30 minutes. I came back home and zoned out for a bit waiting for the wife to get home, which she did around 11:30 a.m. We didn't do a lot after that except our weekly grocery shopping. I took a much-needed nap for about 3 hours, had a cigar, then made chili and cornbread for dinner.
Sunday was a beautiful day, so the wife and I hopped on the motorcycle and went to Happy's, a local flea market. Whenever I feel fat, ugly and/or dumb, I like to walk around Happy's. After 15 minutes or so, I start to feel thinner, prettier, and smart! I understand that fully half of the people there are probably doing the same thing, but it works for me. I had another cigar when we got back home, and cooked some lemon pepper chicken breasts for dinner.
So, like I say, mostly a good weekend. Now on to the bad stuff.
This. Is. Embarrassing. It's TMI, it's pretty gross, but first and foremost it's embarrassing. If you read past this point, you only have yourself to blame. Duly warned? Duly warned!
So sometime before I woke up Saturday morning, all hungover and feeling rough, that damned hernia that swelled up last week started bleeding. Of course I discover this as I'm in the bathroom doing... bathroom things, and it really scared me at first until I realized what was going on. I'm not talking about a little streak of blood as I wiped; it was a disgusting mess! Now you'd think this would be a cause of alarm, but apparently with external hemorrhoids it's not that big a deal and you just work through it.
Well, I got that cleaned up and just kind of hoped it would go away. I use a hemorrhoidal gel that I was hoping would seal the area that the bleed was coming from but that just made it a gooier mess than before. By the end of the day, I was just glad I was wearing really dark blue underwear! I threw that pair in the hamper with the rest of the laundry Saturday night, got cleaned up good again, and wore a different pair to bed when we went. (I normally sleep in the nude, but didn't want to soil the sheets with my ass blood.)
Sunday morning wasn't as bad, but again, I'm glad the underwear was dark red. In truth, the bleeding was never really heavy but the accumulation of it and the way it would get smeared around throughout the day made it look a lot worse than it was. I got cleaned up, and decided what I needed to do was put a barrier between the bleeding area and my underwear. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to walk around all day with a wad of toilet paper stuck up your ass? Especially when you spend some of that day on a motorcycle? It worked, but damn it was painful!
So I started thinking that I needed something thinner, but absorbent enough for a light flow of blood. Something like a cotton or linen napkin. And it would be nice if it had an adhesive strip to keep it in place, because throughout the day your normal bending and twisting and sitting and whatnot will tend to cause it to shift around on you. I didn't want it to stick to the skin, so the adhesive should be on the back and you stick it to the underwear. And it should definitely be hygienic; a hygienic nap...kin... dammit!
So, what has two thumbs and is going to wear one of the wife's panty liners to work?
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| This guy! |
I'll take a couple spares with me in case I need to change it through the day, but I need some way of having them handy without stuffing them in my pocket. A bag of some kind, and if it's big enough it could hold my other stuff too, like my wallet, keys, glasses and contacts stuff, etc. And I don't want to hold onto it all day, leaving me with just one hand, so it needs a strap I can throw it over my shoulder. And what the hell, it might as well be pretty too, right?
Oh, right, like a purse. Dammit!
The only good part about it is they're scented, so every time I fart it'll be like walking in a flower shop.
That's funny. Getting old sucks - all you can do is laugh about it.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, that is some funny shit. Ooops. Sorry, no pun intended.
ReplyDelete