Good morning! How was your weekend? It was relatively quiet here, with no big parties or revelations or drama. Well, maybe a little Friday night.
The wife went to a baseball games Friday (of course) and L wound up coming over. The niece was here too, but left shortly after. L and I sat outside, talking, while I finished a cigar. She's definitely ready to leave the ex (again) after her daughter graduates, and says she really doesn't have any choice but to go back to the boyfriend. She thinks this time it'll work out because... blah blah blah. It's all the same rationalizations of why it didn't work the past 20 times or so, but this time will be different. I don't even bother arguing about it with her anymore because it doesn't get anywhere. By next week, she'll be telling me how she knows he's crazy and she can't be with him, etc. I just go along for the ride, anymore.
I did get the impression that she wanted me to make a move Friday night when we came back inside the house. She was being a little more flirty than usual and laughingly reminiscing about some of our past... exploits, while standing close enough to brush against me. I was tempted, but I played dumb like I didn't get the hint. If she'd directly told me, or made the first overt move, I wouldn't have resisted or even wanted to.
But I suspect she was just looking for a self-esteem boost, at my expense. She just wants to know I still desire her (which I obviously do), but would have shot me down cold at the first move. Or, worse yet, she would have let me take her in my arms, and maybe even start kissing her (and dammit, I ache to do that again) before putting a stop to it. She'd get her ego boost, and she always did say she likes the way I kiss, but would leave me high and dry and frustrated, wondering if this meant we might be back "on" again. We've done this dance before, and I'm just glad I was able to resist it this time.
The moment passed, neither of us acknowledging what just hadn't happened, and we continued talking for another 10 or 15 minutes. Then we said our good-byes, hugged (chastely), and she went on her way. L doesn't like to be turned down, though, so if she knows I deliberately ignored her signals she'll make me pay in some way.
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Since starting this blog, I've noticed a marked improvement in my moods. Not to say I haven't still been moody here and there, but I haven't had the truly dark feelings from even three or four months ago. And though I still get aggravated with the wife, even that is easier to shake off these days and I'm better able to appreciate her for the person she really is, and not just the person my mind makes her when I'm depressed.
Writing about it, and knowing people who sympathize and empathize read it, certainly helps, and I thank all of you for the role you play. Those of you who regularly comment, either with encouragement or perspectives I haven't considered, or both, are especially helpful.
And I don't think it's a coincidence that my activities on dizcreet.com coincide with this improvement. A number of my contacts there have indicated they have read my blog, and a I believe at least a few have become regulars. Their encouraging words concerning my writing gives me warm, fuzzy feelings as well, though it's the physical aspect that helps me most there.
As I've written before, I've never had a great deal of self-esteem especially as regards my appearance. I've fought (and mostly lost) against being fat since I was a kid, and I've never considered myself good looking, face wise, regardless of my weight. Most of the pictures I've posted on that site are of my dick, which gets plenty of compliments (every dick picture does, though) but I did post the same body pic there that I did here and one picture (now removed) that showed my face but with sunglasses on. As far as I know, nobody gagged over them, and I haven't heard anyone say they lost their boners because of them, so that's a positive.
I think what helps most is just the contact with other men who are going through the same thing I am. JFB from Break Out has been a big help as well, having already gone through much of what I am now, but it amazes me just how many of us are out there. I might not have realized this without dizcreet.com. And it gives me an outlet to "openly" (in a semi-anonymous fashion) be the person I am.
One of my friends and I have definitely made a connection, and there's talk of possibly meeting. The hurdles aren't insurmountable, it will just require an effort of will on both of our parts. Ultimately if we don't meet, or if we do but one or both of us back out, then we'll at least be friends. But I find myself hoping we can work it out, and relatively soon. He says he thinks I'm a sex addict (but in a good way), and I think he's probably right.
One good part about pointing the Dizcreet folk here is it's easier than answering the same questions the same way, over and over. They can read all about me and get a good picture of who I am and what I'm looking for. One disadvantage to having made my blog known, though, is the knowledge that people I'm talking about will read it. I have to fight the urge to either tone down or not write at all about something to avoid offending or embarrassing anyone. If I start doing that, then the whole point of having this blog is lost. I'll just have to hope that the people who matter to me from there will be understanding.
The wife went to a baseball games Friday (of course) and L wound up coming over. The niece was here too, but left shortly after. L and I sat outside, talking, while I finished a cigar. She's definitely ready to leave the ex (again) after her daughter graduates, and says she really doesn't have any choice but to go back to the boyfriend. She thinks this time it'll work out because... blah blah blah. It's all the same rationalizations of why it didn't work the past 20 times or so, but this time will be different. I don't even bother arguing about it with her anymore because it doesn't get anywhere. By next week, she'll be telling me how she knows he's crazy and she can't be with him, etc. I just go along for the ride, anymore.
I did get the impression that she wanted me to make a move Friday night when we came back inside the house. She was being a little more flirty than usual and laughingly reminiscing about some of our past... exploits, while standing close enough to brush against me. I was tempted, but I played dumb like I didn't get the hint. If she'd directly told me, or made the first overt move, I wouldn't have resisted or even wanted to.
But I suspect she was just looking for a self-esteem boost, at my expense. She just wants to know I still desire her (which I obviously do), but would have shot me down cold at the first move. Or, worse yet, she would have let me take her in my arms, and maybe even start kissing her (and dammit, I ache to do that again) before putting a stop to it. She'd get her ego boost, and she always did say she likes the way I kiss, but would leave me high and dry and frustrated, wondering if this meant we might be back "on" again. We've done this dance before, and I'm just glad I was able to resist it this time.
The moment passed, neither of us acknowledging what just hadn't happened, and we continued talking for another 10 or 15 minutes. Then we said our good-byes, hugged (chastely), and she went on her way. L doesn't like to be turned down, though, so if she knows I deliberately ignored her signals she'll make me pay in some way.
°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹°›‹
Since starting this blog, I've noticed a marked improvement in my moods. Not to say I haven't still been moody here and there, but I haven't had the truly dark feelings from even three or four months ago. And though I still get aggravated with the wife, even that is easier to shake off these days and I'm better able to appreciate her for the person she really is, and not just the person my mind makes her when I'm depressed.
Writing about it, and knowing people who sympathize and empathize read it, certainly helps, and I thank all of you for the role you play. Those of you who regularly comment, either with encouragement or perspectives I haven't considered, or both, are especially helpful.
And I don't think it's a coincidence that my activities on dizcreet.com coincide with this improvement. A number of my contacts there have indicated they have read my blog, and a I believe at least a few have become regulars. Their encouraging words concerning my writing gives me warm, fuzzy feelings as well, though it's the physical aspect that helps me most there.
As I've written before, I've never had a great deal of self-esteem especially as regards my appearance. I've fought (and mostly lost) against being fat since I was a kid, and I've never considered myself good looking, face wise, regardless of my weight. Most of the pictures I've posted on that site are of my dick, which gets plenty of compliments (every dick picture does, though) but I did post the same body pic there that I did here and one picture (now removed) that showed my face but with sunglasses on. As far as I know, nobody gagged over them, and I haven't heard anyone say they lost their boners because of them, so that's a positive.
I think what helps most is just the contact with other men who are going through the same thing I am. JFB from Break Out has been a big help as well, having already gone through much of what I am now, but it amazes me just how many of us are out there. I might not have realized this without dizcreet.com. And it gives me an outlet to "openly" (in a semi-anonymous fashion) be the person I am.
One of my friends and I have definitely made a connection, and there's talk of possibly meeting. The hurdles aren't insurmountable, it will just require an effort of will on both of our parts. Ultimately if we don't meet, or if we do but one or both of us back out, then we'll at least be friends. But I find myself hoping we can work it out, and relatively soon. He says he thinks I'm a sex addict (but in a good way), and I think he's probably right.
One good part about pointing the Dizcreet folk here is it's easier than answering the same questions the same way, over and over. They can read all about me and get a good picture of who I am and what I'm looking for. One disadvantage to having made my blog known, though, is the knowledge that people I'm talking about will read it. I have to fight the urge to either tone down or not write at all about something to avoid offending or embarrassing anyone. If I start doing that, then the whole point of having this blog is lost. I'll just have to hope that the people who matter to me from there will be understanding.
Hey - thanks for the mention. I really do hope that any comments I leave are either helpful or at least complimentary.
ReplyDeleteYou do realize that if we lived nearby one another, we'd be blowing each other, right?
Dammit, I meant to link to your blog with your name and forgot. And yes, your comments are always helpful.
DeleteAnd yea, if we were within a few hours drive I'd already have been bugging the shit out of you for us to hook up, lol. As it is, if you're ever in Virginia on businesd or something... ;-)