Chips Ahoy!

I mentioned Dizcreet.com before, a social media site primarily for bi, married men. I suppose it's mainly a "try to hook up" site, but it also provides a place for guys like me, who have the desire to be with a man but haven't gotten it to work out yet, to talk about their experiences (or non) and their feelings about it.

I know, I know... guys talking about their feelings; how gay!

Since starting this blog I've found that I'm starting to chip away at some of the walls the homophobic training of my formative years put up. I mean yes, I played around as a pre-adolescent, and I had the one experience when I was older, but I've kept telling myself "I'm not gay, or even bi, because I'm not attracted to men." And that's still true, really; I don't respond to the male form, either face or body, the same way I do with women.

But some of the other differences I always told myself were there are starting to be not so different anymore. For instance, my attraction to women has always been more about their personality, their intelligence, and their sense of humor. A physical 4 or 5 by most peoples' reckoning (and I apologize for using such a sexist numbering system, but it's the only way I know to make my point) can easily become to me an 8 if I like them because of the above. And the hottest woman in the room can become a 3 easily if they are mean-spirited, dumb, and/or humorless. When I was younger I might still have wanted to fuck a woman like that, but in my older years I'd go with the first example every time.

Since joining Dizcreet.com, and making "friends" and looking at their pictures and learning a little something about some of them from what they post, I'm discovering that I feel in some respects the same way about men. I don't care about sculpted abs, big muscles or what their faces look like. I like the guys who seem intelligent, nice, and can make me laugh.

That's not to say I'm lusting after those guys; for me it's still (again, so far) the act that I fantasize about, not so much who I do it with. But I do know that I probably wouldn't want to do anything with a boorish and crass guy, no matter what he looked like. And I'd be much more willing to overlook the flaws in any guy who was more like, well, me.

Another difference, and in a way it kind of goes along with the first one, is that I never considered flirting with a guy. Now I did flirt with T, the guy I used to work with that I tried to get something going with, but I didn't really feel it, you know? I said things I thought he wanted to hear ("nice cock!" or whatever) but not because I really thought that way. And in some ways, I'm still doing that on Dizcreet.

But I'm slowly starting to appreciate the different shapes and sizes, and frankly think of some as being more attractive than others. And it feels like it flows a little easier when I say "wow! That's a suckable dick!", like I really mean it. That has less to do with size than proportion, and how neat they're kept. It's still more about the act itself, because I think in terms of "would I want that in my mouth?", but it's definitely a different way for me to think. And when someone says the same thing about mine I find it easier to respond in a flirtatious manner, like I would with a woman. I just keep chipping away at those walls.

I haven't yet gotten into a one-on-one chat with any of the "friends" in my list, but someone tried to get my attention last night. I was horny, and in the middle of a good wank (the wife and the niece were both gone, hallelujah!) when I posted "who else is jacking off right now?" There weren't any responses for the next 10 minutes or so, and I finished my thing and left the site. But this morning I saw that a friend had responded in chat asking if I was still there and wanted to chat. I sent him a message saying I was sorry I missed him, but I would probably be back on this evening around 7ish, and he replied a little later that he'd try to be on around that time.

And I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. I know the wife will be gone, so I can chat with him without worrying about her looking over my shoulder. And if the niece is gone and will be out for a while, maybe I'll play with myself while we talk. And if he wants to Skype too... well, we'll see. I don't get off on the standard gay porn of some stud jacking off, but something tells me it could be different if I'm watching someone I have a connection with, especially if I know he's turned on by watching me. That feeds into my whole need for validation; it wouldn't work if I thought the guy found me unattractive. Is that irony, or am I just being a hypocrite?

At least one of my readers that I've developed a rapport with has signed up for a Dizcreet account, and we're friends on there. I wouldn't be opposed to chatting or Skyping with him, were he to be interested and the timing were ever right. (It's not my place to name names, but if he wants to identify himself that's fine with me.)

I don't know if all the walls will come down, but it's fun to swing the hammer at them and watch the chips fly!