The best chance I've had to fulfill my fantasy of sucking a cock since I was 17 (when I did, but it didn't work out very well) was with a man I worked with at my previous job. T was a trainer in my class, and then when I was on the floor he was second level support. T is openly gay, and invited those of us in his class to his "wedding" (Virginia doesn't recognize any rights to same-sex couples yet). On more than one ocassion while we worked together T made comments that made me wonder if he was interested, but I didn't take them seriously. I've never considered myself good looking, and though I was 30 lbs leaner then than I am now I would never presume that anybody would actually want me. When the following happened, I no longer worked there, but was able to get in touch with T through a mutual friend.
When the (usually) latent desire to suck has hit me in the past, it would last a week or so then go away. It would be intense, and I would jack off imagining stuffing a dick in my mouth and swallowing it's load (the "guy" was never really a factor in the fantasy), maybe taste my own cum for a little more authenticiy, but then it would fizzle out. Last summer was different; the desire was more intense and never did go away. The desperation of it died down over time, but even now I'm still more determined than I ever was before to making it happen.
Originally I just wanted advice from T how to find someone clean, safe and discrete. Craigslist didn't work out for me, and living in a small town I just didn't have any other ideas. I asked him to meet me for lunch (though in hindsight it might have been easier to just ask him via text), but didn't give him any idea of what I wanted to talk about.
It was a lot harder to start the conversation than I thought it would be, and that we sat at the bar while we ate didn't help. I'd hoped for the privacy of a booth, but he was already sitting at the bar when I arrived, and I was too nervous and felt too awkward to suggest moving. After a lot of hemming and hawing, and meaningless small talk, I finally worked up the courage to just say it: "I want to have sex with a guy, and I need help finding someone."
T was surprised by my admission, because I don't think most people would consider me "that way," but sympathized with my plight. He actually said (and he looked so earnest and sincere saying it that I almost bust out laughing) "I'm so proud that you chose me to share this with. I know how hard it must have been to say it, and I just want to give you a big hug!" I was also kind of touched, though.
He asked some questions to clarify what I was looking for ("Do you want to participate, or just lay back and let it happen to you?"), then confessed that he'd had a crush on me since the first day of training. He was worried that I would be offended by that, but I assured him that I was flattered. My self esteem is such that I can never understand why anyone would be inerested in me, but it makes me feel good to hear something like that even if I don't fully believe it, deep down.
T had gotten "married" to his partner while I worked with him, so when I asked on the spur of the moment if he would be interested in being the guy, I didn't know if that relationship would be a hinderence or not. He almost immediately said "yes!" (and again, I almost had to laugh because of how excited he looked), and when I asked about P (his husband) he said what P didn't know wouldn't hurt him. He asked me about the wife, and I parroted what he'd said. (I'll always be a cheater, as bad as that sounds, even if the opportunities don't come very often.) P would be out of town in two weeks for some family thing that T wouldn't be able to get off work to go to, so we agreed that the Sunday he was gone would be a good time. I worked out a plausible cover story to get out of the house for a few hours that day, and nervously anticipated the date.
As the day approached, he and I sent texts back and forth. I'd told him upfront that I wasn't attracted to men, that it was just the act of it that interested me, but I tried to be flirty for his benefit. I even sent naughty pictures, and when he sent them back I'd admire them and tell him how much I wanted that cock in my mouth. For him, it was an actual attraction and, as he put it, the opportunity to do something with a guy he really lusted after. I kind of started getting into it, even if it was more a game for me than anything, and decided that I would just let myself go, be as unselfconcious and out of my own head as possible. I even considered how it would be to kiss him during the... activities. It wasn't something that interested me, but I thought I could do it if T wanted, to make it better for him. I wanted him to enjoy it, or I wouldn't be able to, if that makes any sense.
But, as always, something happened. In the last few days leading up to the weekend, I started noticing a difference in the way he responded, a distance that hand't been there earlier. I finally called him out on it, and insisted he tell me what was going on when he tried to be evasive. Finally, he told me that he was starting to feel guilty because of P. Now me, I don't feel guilty about my actions in regards to the wife. I would feel bad if she found out, and it hurt her, but nothing I do will affect her as long as she doesn't know (and I don't give her a disease.) But I can understand why T would feel that way, so I let him off the hook. He felt bad about letting me down, but I assured him I'd rather he have these feelings before doing something than regret it later after it was too late. (I'm a sensitive guy; what can I say?)
We agreed that we would still be friends, and that we would meet up for lunch or drinks or whatever. I told him I was going to still send him pictures to torment him about what he was passing up, but it was more a joke than anything. Still, I like showing off my junk, so I figured every once in a while I would anyway, if he wanted. He said he did.
I wish I could end this story here, and I imagine if you've read this far you wish I would too. Unfortunately, something happened later and I'm not sure if T and I are still friends or not.
T and I kept in touch somewhat over the next few months. He'd send me a text, or I him, just asking what's up, how are you doing, etc. We'd agreed we wouldn't say anything naughty without first saying something normal, and a response would indicate it was clear.
Back in January I asked him if he was sure he didn't want to get together (kind of joking, but also kind of serious) and he said that he had been thinking about it, and to not give up on him. We teased and flirted a little the rest of the day, but his last text came in while I was at home, so I ignored it and figured I'd answer the next day. The next morning, without thinking, the first thing I sent was "by the way, you still owe me a picture if you want to show me how 'hard' you've been thinking about me." Some 20 minutes later he replied "Whoa! What happened to checking all was clear first?"
I apologized, and he said he didn't think P had seen anything, he'd just handed T the phone and said "it buzzed." I apologized again, and admitted I'd have been pissed if he'd done that to me. I didn't hear back from him after that, so I decided to let it lie.
A week or so later I sent a text asking how things were going. He said "fine", and that was it. I figured with a gay man, "fine" means the same thing it does with a woman, so I asked if he was still mad at me. He said he wasn't mad, it just scared him and really bothered him. I apologized again and he said he and P had been having troubles lately, so they might not even be together much longer. I sympathized and he told me about some of their problems (no communication, etc) We said we'd meet for lunch sometime, and that was it.
Then one night when we were heading back home from visiting my sister (that's a really long series of stories there!), while I was recuperating from a migraine that had struck earlier in the afternoon (the wife was driving), he sent a text asking what I was doing. He said that apparently P had seen the text after all, and it led to a big fight when he finally confronted T over it. I asked if he was okay (telling the wife that he was asking computer questions) and told him I'd talk with him the next day when I wasn't distracted by the migraine.
The next day I apologized again for the text, and asked where things stood after the fight with P. He never answered, and I didn't feel like digging at the time. It's been a month now, and I haven't heard from him. I'd like to reach out again, ask how he is and how things are with them. Part of it is genuine concern for a friend (who may not think very highly of me anymore), but I have to admit that part of it is the other thing. I just don't have any other good prospects for living this fantasy out, and it was so close with T! But truly, over and above everything else, I just don't like the idea of someone being mad at me.
When the (usually) latent desire to suck has hit me in the past, it would last a week or so then go away. It would be intense, and I would jack off imagining stuffing a dick in my mouth and swallowing it's load (the "guy" was never really a factor in the fantasy), maybe taste my own cum for a little more authenticiy, but then it would fizzle out. Last summer was different; the desire was more intense and never did go away. The desperation of it died down over time, but even now I'm still more determined than I ever was before to making it happen.
Originally I just wanted advice from T how to find someone clean, safe and discrete. Craigslist didn't work out for me, and living in a small town I just didn't have any other ideas. I asked him to meet me for lunch (though in hindsight it might have been easier to just ask him via text), but didn't give him any idea of what I wanted to talk about.
It was a lot harder to start the conversation than I thought it would be, and that we sat at the bar while we ate didn't help. I'd hoped for the privacy of a booth, but he was already sitting at the bar when I arrived, and I was too nervous and felt too awkward to suggest moving. After a lot of hemming and hawing, and meaningless small talk, I finally worked up the courage to just say it: "I want to have sex with a guy, and I need help finding someone."
T was surprised by my admission, because I don't think most people would consider me "that way," but sympathized with my plight. He actually said (and he looked so earnest and sincere saying it that I almost bust out laughing) "I'm so proud that you chose me to share this with. I know how hard it must have been to say it, and I just want to give you a big hug!" I was also kind of touched, though.
He asked some questions to clarify what I was looking for ("Do you want to participate, or just lay back and let it happen to you?"), then confessed that he'd had a crush on me since the first day of training. He was worried that I would be offended by that, but I assured him that I was flattered. My self esteem is such that I can never understand why anyone would be inerested in me, but it makes me feel good to hear something like that even if I don't fully believe it, deep down.
T had gotten "married" to his partner while I worked with him, so when I asked on the spur of the moment if he would be interested in being the guy, I didn't know if that relationship would be a hinderence or not. He almost immediately said "yes!" (and again, I almost had to laugh because of how excited he looked), and when I asked about P (his husband) he said what P didn't know wouldn't hurt him. He asked me about the wife, and I parroted what he'd said. (I'll always be a cheater, as bad as that sounds, even if the opportunities don't come very often.) P would be out of town in two weeks for some family thing that T wouldn't be able to get off work to go to, so we agreed that the Sunday he was gone would be a good time. I worked out a plausible cover story to get out of the house for a few hours that day, and nervously anticipated the date.
As the day approached, he and I sent texts back and forth. I'd told him upfront that I wasn't attracted to men, that it was just the act of it that interested me, but I tried to be flirty for his benefit. I even sent naughty pictures, and when he sent them back I'd admire them and tell him how much I wanted that cock in my mouth. For him, it was an actual attraction and, as he put it, the opportunity to do something with a guy he really lusted after. I kind of started getting into it, even if it was more a game for me than anything, and decided that I would just let myself go, be as unselfconcious and out of my own head as possible. I even considered how it would be to kiss him during the... activities. It wasn't something that interested me, but I thought I could do it if T wanted, to make it better for him. I wanted him to enjoy it, or I wouldn't be able to, if that makes any sense.
But, as always, something happened. In the last few days leading up to the weekend, I started noticing a difference in the way he responded, a distance that hand't been there earlier. I finally called him out on it, and insisted he tell me what was going on when he tried to be evasive. Finally, he told me that he was starting to feel guilty because of P. Now me, I don't feel guilty about my actions in regards to the wife. I would feel bad if she found out, and it hurt her, but nothing I do will affect her as long as she doesn't know (and I don't give her a disease.) But I can understand why T would feel that way, so I let him off the hook. He felt bad about letting me down, but I assured him I'd rather he have these feelings before doing something than regret it later after it was too late. (I'm a sensitive guy; what can I say?)
We agreed that we would still be friends, and that we would meet up for lunch or drinks or whatever. I told him I was going to still send him pictures to torment him about what he was passing up, but it was more a joke than anything. Still, I like showing off my junk, so I figured every once in a while I would anyway, if he wanted. He said he did.
I wish I could end this story here, and I imagine if you've read this far you wish I would too. Unfortunately, something happened later and I'm not sure if T and I are still friends or not.
T and I kept in touch somewhat over the next few months. He'd send me a text, or I him, just asking what's up, how are you doing, etc. We'd agreed we wouldn't say anything naughty without first saying something normal, and a response would indicate it was clear.
Back in January I asked him if he was sure he didn't want to get together (kind of joking, but also kind of serious) and he said that he had been thinking about it, and to not give up on him. We teased and flirted a little the rest of the day, but his last text came in while I was at home, so I ignored it and figured I'd answer the next day. The next morning, without thinking, the first thing I sent was "by the way, you still owe me a picture if you want to show me how 'hard' you've been thinking about me." Some 20 minutes later he replied "Whoa! What happened to checking all was clear first?"
I apologized, and he said he didn't think P had seen anything, he'd just handed T the phone and said "it buzzed." I apologized again, and admitted I'd have been pissed if he'd done that to me. I didn't hear back from him after that, so I decided to let it lie.
A week or so later I sent a text asking how things were going. He said "fine", and that was it. I figured with a gay man, "fine" means the same thing it does with a woman, so I asked if he was still mad at me. He said he wasn't mad, it just scared him and really bothered him. I apologized again and he said he and P had been having troubles lately, so they might not even be together much longer. I sympathized and he told me about some of their problems (no communication, etc) We said we'd meet for lunch sometime, and that was it.
Then one night when we were heading back home from visiting my sister (that's a really long series of stories there!), while I was recuperating from a migraine that had struck earlier in the afternoon (the wife was driving), he sent a text asking what I was doing. He said that apparently P had seen the text after all, and it led to a big fight when he finally confronted T over it. I asked if he was okay (telling the wife that he was asking computer questions) and told him I'd talk with him the next day when I wasn't distracted by the migraine.
The next day I apologized again for the text, and asked where things stood after the fight with P. He never answered, and I didn't feel like digging at the time. It's been a month now, and I haven't heard from him. I'd like to reach out again, ask how he is and how things are with them. Part of it is genuine concern for a friend (who may not think very highly of me anymore), but I have to admit that part of it is the other thing. I just don't have any other good prospects for living this fantasy out, and it was so close with T! But truly, over and above everything else, I just don't like the idea of someone being mad at me.
Perhaps he has had no contact because in order for P to forgive him, he demanded no further contact. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteSoon after I posted yesterday, I sent him a text and was pleased when he responded. He and P are still fighting a lot, according to T, and may get "divorced". They have more issues between them than what my text caused, but I feel bad about my contribution to them.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to ask, out of curiosity, how that works in a state that ddoesn't recognize same-sex marriage (or any legal arrangements that would serve to simulate marriage), but thought it might not be the best timing.
He did say they were going to counseling that evening, so I wished him luck. We didn't talk about the other thing, but it seems we're still at least on friendly terms. I'm happy about that.
Curious Rob,
ReplyDeletePlease try to forgive yourself. It was an honest mistake. I know you feel bad for causing any harm however it would probably have surfaced eventually, with or without your mistake. Give yourself a break Rob. And I agree with the other commenter, perhaps he's being "watcheded" closely. Just be patient. Best of luck, I'm sure the friendship will survive. ;)
Thank you for the kind words, monkey girl. As I noted in my follow up comment, we did talk that same day. It does seem we are at least on friendly terms right now and I don't think he blames me, so I'm happy with that even if nothing else comes of it.
ReplyDelete