Good day, and bad.

I wrote the following yesterday at lunch when, for whatever reason, I was feeling particularly low. I've gone back and forth since last night whether or not I should post it, because now I read it and hate the "oh pity poor me" tone of it. But for me, this blog is more than just documenting my quest to fool around with men or women, or tell funny stories about my past; it's also a way to work through some of the problems I have. I can't do that if I don't expose myself and really examine these things. I could write a journal that no one would see, but I think I get more out of it knowing others will see it too.

Just know that, as I indicate at the end of this, I am embarrassed about it. Knowing you've read this will give me that same uncomfortable, awkward feeling I've gotten when I have to face someone who's seen me cry. Fortunately, I rarely cry, and almost never in front of anybody.

I had a relatively good day yesterday, having taken a vacation day while the wife and the niece were at work. Originally I was supposed to spend the day with L (no hanky or panky was in the cards though) but she found out Friday that she'd gotten a job and started Monday. So I used the day off to get a plumber in to take care of some issues that had been annoying me, and got some time to myself (meaning not with the wife.)

By the end of the day my mood had darkened, and though its a little better now, I know I'm in for a bad ride. Times like these I really want to get a hotel room and hide away from everyone, especially the wife. I'm on edge and feeling like I'm going to blow up any minute. I'm easily irritated under the best of circumstances, but last night and this morning even I didn't want to be in the car with me.

Some of my bad mood has to do with being pretty certain this latest Craigs List attempt is going to wind up like all the others, but there's so much more involved.

I'm angry at L because she keeps doing the same shit, getting herself in trouble again either with her ex or her on again, off again boyfriend. I want to scream at her because she's seemingly oblivious to cause and effect as she cries, once again, "why does this keep happening to me?!"

But it's not even true that she's the problem in my life; I am. I am the first to admit I have things pretty fucking good: a job I like that pays well, a loyal wife who loves me, and many other things to feel good about. And sometimes I actually believe it.

But right now (and increasingly frequently) I can only focus on how I pretty much hate everything about my life, especially myself. I know it's stupid, and I need to pull myself together. And eventually this will fade away to background noise until the next time. Maybe the fact I'm writing about it will help.

I've considered getting counseling through my company's eap program, but the thought of whinning about my first-world problems to some jaded counselor rolling his or her eyes over the same shit they've heard 20 times this week is, frankly, embarrassing. I'm embarrased even writing about it here. If anybody I knew had the same problem, I'd suggest counseling without hesitation, though. I just can't see doing it for myself.

Since writing this, I did start feeling better. I went back to work and got some items ticked off my to do list, and that always brightens my mood. The drive home was relatively asshole free. The dinner I made (chicken tortilla soup) was delicious and both the wife and niece praised it. (I'll post the recipe some time; it's easy and quick to prepare, then let it cook all day in a slow cooker.) And this morning I feel pretty good knowing that I have tomorrow off. The niece won't be working tomorrow either, and I'm thinking maybe we'll hang out together and just have a good "uncle/niece" day.

And I'll try to keep the next bad day at bay for as long as I can.