Something, something, maybe something

I know,some of my titles suck

As I mentioned previously, telling L about my curious side has been a big relief! Being able to talk to, and joke with her about it still blows my mind. And it’s gotten me back in the mood to hook up with someone!

Of course, L being L, nothing is ever easy.

A few weeks ago I reactivated my Grindr account and started looking or some likely prospects. Within a few hours I’d been contacted by a few guys, and been sent dick pictures. I had some mild interest in a few of the guys, but nothing really grabbed my attention primarily because they were either too far away or had as much logistics difficulties as I usually have.

Lockdown has been a bitch for trying to get anything going! Without the relief of having the wife go to baseball games, it’s hard to find any time to play.

I started talking to a guy who lives in the city where I work, and who works from home. He and I seemed to have a good connection, and I especially like that he didn’t immediately ask for dick pics. We did exchange face pics, and though I’m not attracted to guys in that way, he looked normal enough. When we finally did exchange dick pics, his looked… I don’t know, fine I guess. Nothing remarkable, not tiny but not big. Adequate is probably the right word. Definitely suckable.

We talked about how we could get together, and I suggested we could meet for lunch one day. He reminded me that there aren’t many places to meet for lunch, and perhaps I could come to his place and we could “chill.” Yea, we all know what that means, right?

I explained how I tend to freeze, and that he’d have to make the first move because I wouldn’t be capable of it. And suddenly, I didn’t hear anything more from him. By the next morning I was resigned to having scared him off somehow. I sent a text the later that morning “laughingly” apologizing for my “drunken ramblings” from the night before. A little later he responded with an LOL and said that it was no problem, he’d just been busy working late into the night.

Oh, well, that’s okay then!

So we continued to talk through that day and the next day, not a lot of texts but just getting to know each other a little better. That Thursday I sent him a text asking when he’d like together to “chill.” I was thinking the following week sometime would be good.

And again, he never answered.

I sent a text late in the day on Friday asking how his day had been; nothing. Nothing Saturday either, though I could see that he’d been on Grindr several times and would have seen my texts. It was a bit disappointing to get so close and have it seemingly fall through, but I’ve been there before. No big deal, really.

Saturday, or maybe Sunday, another user on Grindr contacted me. I almost didn’t respond, because it just felt like so much work to go through, only to have it fall through again. But finally I did respond, and boy! Am I glad I did!

Did Not See This Coming!

I've written more in the past couple months than I have in a long while, and though it feels good to write again it's much harder now because I rarely have as much time as I used to. Writing on Saturday and Sunday mornings before the wife wakes up leaves my posts too rushed to get all the details I think are important. Though I do acknowledge that might make my posts a little easier on you, the readers.

It's especially difficult now because L is living with us every other week, and she's an early riser like I am.

Here's some of the detail I think is important, but may be excruciatingly dull to readers.I can't make a coherent paragraph from them, so let's do bullet points:

• L's girlfriend doesn't have internet, so L doesn't want to stay there (can't blame her.)
• R has his son every other week, and he and L don't want to (yet) make their relationship that open.
• L will stay with us the weeks that R has his son, and this will be her fallback so that she isn't dependent on R.
• L will stay with R on the other weeks, and so far the one week they've done that worked out well. (She's going back there today.)
• R has been here almost every night that L stays with us, usually for dinner, then they go back in her room and fuck.
• I'm coming to terms with it, and am mostly okay.

It's been a little trickier this past week having a third person here, but we've been through this before with my other sister (twice), my niece, and even L a while back. Plus she's helping us organize the house a little better, and encouraging us (especially the wife) to finally get rid of things we've kept far longer than we should have. This is the longest L has been comfortable staying with us, but I think that's because she knows the next week she gets to get away.

Anyway, this all leads up to this past Friday. The wife and I had scheduled this weekend as a long weekend because we were supposed to go to Myrtle Beach with a friend, but of course that's all been cancelled. We decided to take the Friday-to-Monday time off anyway just because.

Here is a bit of the email I sent my good friend James F Break, and what he sent back:

Me: I don't even know if I can blog about this, it's so mind blowing!

JFB: If it were me, I’d blog about it.  Your blog is Curious Rob.  This is right in line with that. 

If you think you know where this is going, just hold on a bit.

L wanted to go back to her friends and get the things we'd originally moved there a couple weeks ago, so she and I decided we'd do that while the wife took care of some other obligations. We had to fold down the back seats of my car in order to fit all of L's stuff in, so there wouldn't have been a seat for her even if she had wanted to go (and she didn't.)

L and I set out Friday morning, first running a few errands, setting up a storage building for her stuff (and some of ours will go in there too) and then heading towards her friend's house. On the way there we talked about things like we usually do, some serious and some joking. During this she mentioned that, while drunk, she'd told R something about her past that she hadn't meant to and that she was mad at herself for it. She said she didn't want him to know how bad a cheater she was, and that she didn't want to be anymore, not with "this one."

This felt directed at me, though I don't think she meant it harshly. We continued talking about it, with me reassuring her that she can be better (though I don't know if I believe that myself) and I more or less decided to myself that I would stop trying to egg her on in shenanigans with me. (Full Partial disclosure: there were some shenanigans  a few weeks back. Not as much as I wanted, but more than there should have been.) (And a little more this past Tuesday, when I stayed home because of a wicked hangover/migraine.)

She also told me that she still hasn't cum with R, despite all the sex they have. She loves him, and the sex is good, she just can't relax enough. She stays in her head about everything, and is too guarded. She said she's worried because she finds herself fantasizing about women (but would never act on it), and finds herself checking out nice asses on women, and is worried that she's secretly gay and that's why she's always had trouble coming with most men. The biggest part of this is that she told me this is something she could never tell anyone else but me, that I was the only person she felt she could trust with this.

I assured her that 1) she is not gay (she likes dick too much, that 2) it is not unusual to fantasize about same sex, that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere, and 3) she'll get it going with R once she learns to just get in the moment and let go.

I realized midway through point 2) that she might ask me if I fantasize about men since I said it's not unusual, and wondered how I'd answer if she did. She didn't ask, but the more I thought about it the more I started wanting to just come clean and tell her. I held back for many reasons, primarily because I was worried that she'd be disgusted with me if she knew even part of the truth.

Soon topics went on to other things, and then we were at her friend's house load her things in my car. It took about an hour all told, then we were back on the road. We stopped for a quick lunch, and all the while I kept going back and forth on whether or not I should tell her. I kept trying to nudge the conversation to "weird" things to see if she'd pick up the thread, but she was texting with R and would get distracted. Just as well, I thought.

We get back on the road after eating and it's quiet for a bit. I'm still thinking, and wondering what I was holding back for. I knew that no matter what she thought of what I did, she would still love me as a brother (at least), and that the worst case would be she'd never want to have anything sexual with me anymore. And I thought maybe that would be for the best, because I know the only way it could ever stop is if she simply doesn't want it anymore.

So finally I told her. Well, not outright; that's not my way. It took me starting and stopping, and her urging me on, to finally say it.

"I'm not gay, obviously," (which she agreed), "and I don't think I could be considered bi because I'm not sexually attracted to guys at all. But... I like [deep breath] sucking dick." Up until I actually said the words, I wasn't sure if I was going to admit everything or just say that I had fantasies. Ultimately, I just can't lie to L like that, and I wanted it fully out.

Her reaction was mostly unexpected, and so much better than I thought. She was a little shocked, though my hemming and hawing probably gave her some idea of the direction, but then she said "this is so fucking hot! I'm getting wet! Tell me all the deets!"

She wanted to know everything, so I told her everything! I told her about Brent, the first guy. I told her about T, my former co-worker. I told her about the Craigslist guy. I told her about the guy last summer from Grindr, and the second encounter with T (which I may not have written about here). She kept saying how hot this was, I kept saying I couldn't believe I was telling her, and she kept saying she couldn't believe I'd waited so long, and asked why I hadn't told her before.

By the time I was done telling her everything, we had unloaded the stuff and were back home. I went out to have a cigar and she came out to sit with me. The wife ran out to the store and I took that opportunity to show her the picture of Craiglist guy's dick (the really think one) and the video (which she said got her twitching.) 

She said she wished I had more (so do I, believe me) and we joked about how on my next encounter she should go with. She joked, but I think we both saw some serious potential here. She said she wouldn't directly participate, but that she would be getting off while filming us playing.

She has asked questions all weekend which I have gladly answered, and I giddily offered other details, funny moments, and the like. I'm just now getting used to the idea that L knows, and I can talk to her about it. It's so fucking liberating, and also a little terrifying (but definitely more liberating.)

Later edit: Apparently L had her first orgasm with R Friday night. I wonder if that's (ahem) related.

Time Will Tell

A quick update that I'll hopefully finish before the wife wakes up.

L moved out last week, and in with an old friend of hers and her husband. She's staying in their basement room, and it's a better setup for her than if she were staying here. I was still off from work, so I was able to help her. B still doesn't know about R or anyone else, though he suspects.

Saying she's "staying" with the friend is a bit of a reach. She only stayed their Thursday night, the day we moved her in, then came to stay with us Friday and Saturday. Both nights R came by for dinner, and later they went back to noisily fuck in the guest room. I told R Saturday he might as well just stay overnight instead of leaving at 1 a.m. for the long drive back to his home, but he declined. He has his son every other week, and though the son is 17 and spends most of his time gaming, R wants to be there with him in the mornings.

Sunday L went back to her friends to get some things together and told her friend that she'd be "house sitting" for another friend for the whole week. So she's been staying with R and they've been on a week-long fuckfest. This is his birthday week (his birthday is one day before B's) so they've been making the most of it.

The wife and I like R, and think he and L make a good couple. He's country, but he's not an ignorant redneck. He works at (and mostly runs)a wood-working shop that makes furniture and cabinets and whatnot for the company L was working for (she was laid off two weeks ago.) All in all, he's pretty easy to talk to and get along with.

And I think I've finally made peace with the end of that part of my relationship with L. I know we only started, years ago, because she was fundamentally unhappy in her marriage to B. All of her shenanigans started because of that. Now that she's out of that relationship for good (hopefully), I think she's in a better place mentally that isn't going to leave room for that with me. But she'll still be in my life as my sister, and I think that's going to be enough.

It's, you know, whatever (continued)

Here's a slightly edited version of what I started writing yesterday morning, before the wife woke up:

I knew I'd be writing a follow up to the last post, but wasn't sure what I would be writing about. I figured I'd here from L sometime Saturday and would maybe have an update on that. I did text with her briefly, but she didn't offer anything about her slumber party and I didn't ask.
My friend James F. Break from Break Out commented on yesterday's post, saying that L is going to get caught, and is letting her vagina do her thinking. I was in the midst of replying to his comment when I realized that's really what today's follow-up needs to be about.

So here goes.
I'm thinking L does want to get caught. She's being pretty brazen about going to see R as often, and staying overnight is really a bold move. B always gets on her shit when she's away for a night because he doesn't trust her (and who can blame him), and now she's going to be gone for the whole weekend, supposedly visiting her daughter.

I wrote a little more but wound up having to stop when the wife started stirring. Then later, L texted me and we had a pretty good conversation, and now I'm cautiously hopeful that she has a better plan this time around.

I know (and have known for a while) that L definitely wants to leave B. She wants to move back here, to my town, where she grew up and all of her friends are. She wants to buy a house here, and though I think that may not be realistic, she was working towards that plan even before R came into the equation.

I don't know where her thing with R fits; she genuinely seems to like him, and enjoys being with him. She told me a lot of what she knows about him now, and this situation with him so far seems so much more rational and stable than what she went through earlier with S. (I still can't believe it's been almost 7 years since S killed himself.)

I told her back in February that I was hoping to sell our house later this year, or early next year, when my inheritance comes in. (I never wrote about this, but my mother died at the end of January.) The inheritance isn't going to be huge, but it should be enough to put the wife and I in pretty good shape as far as getting a new house.

At the time L said she'd like to buy our house, and jokingly (I thought at the time) said she'd come live with us and help us get it ready for sell. Yesterday she reiterated that she'd like to move in with us and help out with fixing things and other projects. Now that she's layed off from work she isn't bound to the area she's been living in.

Now there are all kinds of hurdles we'll have to face if she really does want to live here with us, and eventually buy the house, and I'm well aware of the issues, but that's not a discussion for this post. My point is that this time she actually does seem to have a plan. Her spending a lot of time with R is somewhat impulsive, and risky, but if she really does leave B "sooner than later" as she says, then a lot of that risk is moot.

After L shared the details of the sex she and R had in round two, I kept playing that through my head imagining her as I've seen her, but with him instead. In some ways it was exciting (as James is sure to attest) and I've often felt like L and I were in a semi-hotwife kind of situation. But those thoughts also caused me a lot of anxiety for reasons not entirely clear to me, and kept me up in the early hours when I'd wake up for whatever reasons.

I'm not going to pretend that all of that is gone now, but after yesterday's conversation it does feel a little better.

It's, you know, whatever

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COVID-19 Comes to the Rescue

Well, kind of.

L and I were texting Friday about the virus, and I was explaining why social distancing works to slow the spread and why that's desirable. (The fact that I have to explain this to a full-grown adult is kind of sad, though, but L ain't the sharpest bowling ball in the chandelier.)

Later she texted "I'll have to come visit again. But we gotta work on sissy [L and the wife's nickname for each other] letting [boyfriend] come over too. He does really like y'all."

I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about my response. She didn't explicitly say that she wanted the wife to be on board with letting her and the guy stay the night here, but I suspect that's what she was getting at. I wanted to ask to confirm, but it honestly doesn't matter because I don't really feel comfortable even just hanging out with them with the situation as is, much less having them stay here fucking all night again. Finally I just responded "yea, he seems to be an alright dude."

Yes, I am a coward.

I told the wife last night about the text, wanting to know where we'd stand on the issue if and when L asks if they can come by. The wife surprised me by saying that, for the time being she doesn't want anyone coming by or going out to meet up with people. She's worried about the increased infections in our state, and with both of us having jobs where we can't work from home, we really can't afford taking any more risks than necessary of getting sick.

I wasn't convinced at first, but she made a some good points and won me over. It was an almost surprisingly reasonable argument between us, both staying calm and making our points, and she stuck to her guns without shutting down. It was nice.

Just so that we would be clear, though, I asked her if we took out the virus concerns how she would feel about it. We both definitely agree that seeing L on her own was fine and the two of them staying here overnight was a hard stop "no." We'd both be uncomfortable with the two of them coming here for a visit, but maybe would meet them out somewhere else.

The wife also reiterated that she would be fine with any of it if and when L and B are no longer together, but until that happens she wants to stay out of the drama. And to that I wholeheartedly agree!

But thanks to COVID-19, I don't have to go into any of that with L for the next month or so. Based on her past history, the chances of all this not blowing up in some way by then are less than 50/50, so by the time I no longer have the virus excuse it may all be settled. Or is that just wishful thinking?

Here's to Better Days

I’ve come to the conclusion (not for the first time, probably not the last) that the only way I can maintain any semblance of sanity is to distance myself from L. Obviously that doesn’t mean not seeing her; I still love her, as does the wife, and even if I did want us to stop hanging out, it would be difficult to explain to the wife.

But I do need to stop this infatuation, this obsession I have with L. I need to stop the innuendos, the offers of pics, the requests for details of her dalliances. Yes, it’s exciting and gratifying, but it also is part of why I go through such turmoil when she’s doing what she does. I need to stop thinking of her as a lover, or fuck-buddy, or sibling-with-benefits, and start thinking of her as my sister. Only my sister.

Of course, that’s much, much easier to type here than to do. It’s called “obsession” for a reason, and if it was easy to stop it wouldn’t really be an obsession, would it?

Case in point: last Saturday, more or less out of nowhere, she texted me, joking (so I thought) that she needed someone to practice kissing with. Me being me, I texted back that I volunteered and we had a chuckle over it. Now, this was after the stayover but before telling me she was planning to meet with the guy the next day.

Yesterday she explained that it wasn’t really that she needed practice kissing. She’s worried about something, and though I told her I’d never noticed it she’s gotten it in her head that this is a big deal and needs reassurance. I told her I’ll check on it the next time we’re together, but between us and this blog no kissing is necessary for this.

Today she texted me to ask if I was definitely volunteering to be the “kiss tester”. I contemplated telling her no, and explaining all the reasons why, but realized that would be such a bad idea at this point, especially over text. So I simply answered back “when have I ever not?” She laughed, said “true”, and we left it at that.

I’m kind of banking on it being a while before she has time to spend with us, and will likely have changed her mind by then. I’m hoping that if she hasn’t, I’ll have a plausible excuse not to (Covid-19, a cold sore, something along those lines.) But I also fantasize about how that conversation will go. Even in my fantasies I lose control of the narrative and fuck it up.

So now I'm outside, enjoying a nice cigar, a pleasant Scotch, and a calming buzz that's leaving me both content and a little melancholy for reasons I can't entirely explain, or even understand. I want to talk to someone about these feelings, and you, dear readers, are the chosen. It's not quite the same, as you aren't here to share in my cigars and Scotch (currently a 12-year-old Glen Fidditch), but it is an acceptable substitute. And if you don't have a taste for cigars and/or drink, that's okay.

Stay safe and virus free, my friends. I'll write again, soon or not, with an update of a hopefully better state of mind. It will take time, but I trust it will happen.