Weekend Update

Happy Monday everyone. This update features a little sex, a rare L sighting (these two are not related), some motorcycle riding, a hangover, and too much eating. So, all-in-all it was a good weekend.

The wife took Friday off just to use up some vacation time; she’s accumulated a lot of hours, and stands to lose some if she doesn’t keep it below a certain number. She planned to clean some then meet with her friend from work, one of the few girls there she gets along with.

Before I left for work, I’d asked her (a little teasingly) if she was going to play with herself that morning, but she said she’d probably be too busy. I said she’d have plenty of time, and that she should take some pictures to send me at work. She laughed me off, but later in the morning she sent me a picture of her boobs when she got out of the shower. Of course I sent her a picture of my dick; I’m a gentleman, after all, and fair is fair.

I got home about my normal time that evening, and we had a few hours to kill before heading over to Z’s house for his daughter’s high school graduation party. I asked the wife about her day and her “date with her friend (I tease her about them being girlfriends) and when I asked if she’d played with herself, she blushed and said she had. After a few minutes of my pressing for details about it, we were both pretty worked up and headed to the bedroom for some fun.

We went to Z’s later and had a pretty good time. I didn’t drink as much as I usually do when he and I get together, but I did have a pretty good buzz by the time we left. Z and his whole family were leaving for the beach the next day, Saturday, and he told the wife and I that we could come over and use their pool anytime we wanted this week. I hope we have a chance to this week because they live in a quiet neighborhood, and their back yard is pretty secluded; it’s a good setup for shenanigans. We’ll see if anything comes of it.

L and B came into town Saturday morning so that L could get the things she’d been storing at a friend of hers, and so that B could take his father shopping. J doesn’t drive, so B comes in every couple of weeks to drive him around on his errands. Originally L was going to come by herself and meet the wife and I for lunch, but B decided to take the day off (he was scheduled to work) so they could come together. It wound up being the four of us, J, and B’s son Little B from his first marriage. (Little B isn’t exactly little, but you know how it is with sons who have the same name as their dads.) It was a nice visit for lunch, but it was too short. If L had come in by herself the three of us probably would have hung out for a good bit longer. Still, J paid for lunch so I can’t complain too much.

Later the wife and I hopped on the bike and rode some, then came home and had a light dinner. We watched California Chrome miss out on winning the Triple Crown; I was really hoping he'd win, and not just because I had bet some money on it. But the way the races are setup now, it may be a long, long time before there's a horse with enough stamina to win all three races. (For those of you unfamiliar with it, the Triple Crown is made up of the Kentucky Derby, the Preaknis, and the Belmont Stakes.)

I brought out the tequila and had a good amount of that while the wife stuck to bourbon. I knew I was crossing a line with how much I was drinking, but felt like it was about time to have a nice little binge. I didn’t get blackout drunk, but I was definitely in a good mood. I had a hangover Sunday morning, but nothing dreadful; a handful of ibuprofen spread throughout the day took care of it.

We did a little more riding Sunday, and I cooked us some steaks for dinner. We had some wine while letting the night wind down, and then went to bed early.

The Term "Hero" is Overused

I mentioned going to a ball game with the wife when we were in Pigeon Forge two weeks ago; we had a pretty good time (two 24 oz. cans of beer helps even if you don’t like baseball) and we didn’t have to stay for the whole game, so I had a less miserable time than I expected.

If you’ve never been to a live Professional game (Minor or Major League), they have games and events between innings to kind of keep the audience engaged, especially the kids who have the attention span of hey, is that a squirrel running around outside? Nice weathertoday; I’m glad I rode my bike to work.

Where was I? Oh, right; the events between innings. Well, as that was Memorial Day weekend, the stadium was having what I think they called Military Appreciation Night. And during one of the between-inning events, they turned a camera on a Marine in the audience, a Lieutenant or maybe a Captain, and the announcer said something along the lines of “This Memorial Day Weekend, let’s honor a true American Hero™ Caption mumble-mumble, and all members of the Armed Forces!”

As would be expected, the crowd applauded and did some hooting and hollering, and the Captain smiled and waved a bit, looking a little embarrassed. The camera lingered on him and he continued smiling, but as the moment went on it was obvious that he was becoming really uncomfortable. I felt bad for him, because I know exactly how he was feeling.

There are several reasons for someone in his position that night to be embarrassed and uncomfortable. For one, the camera stayed on him far longer than was necessary; most people don’t want to be under that much scrutiny in a large crowd. And two, what most people seem to not realize (or conveniently forget when you can have a promotion that might drive more beer sales) is that Memorial Day is set aside to honor those who gave their lives (i.e. died) in service. Veterans Day is when we should honor all military veterns. To some this may seem a pedantic distinction, but it’s really not; there is a huge, non-trivial difference between serving your country and dying while serving your country.

A third possible reason for his discomfort is that he (most likely) IS NOT A FUCKING HERO! Okay, it’s possible that he saved someone’s life, or went above and beyond the call of duty while in Iraq or Afghanistan, or wherever he may have been deployed, but if that were the case, that almost certainly would have been part of the announcement. Since it wasn’t, then it’s reasonable to assume that the park officials who set it all up (and yes, it would have been with the Captain’s knowledge and approval) were honoring him as a “hero” just for being in the military.

I don’t mean to be a dick about it, and I’m not trying to take anything away from his or anyone else’s service. It’s hard being in the military, especially during times of war; and it’s great that so many people in this country want to honor those in the military, and recognize the job they’re doing. There is no better feeling in the world, to my mind, than to be welcomed back home after being deployed to a war zone and seeing family and friends you haven’t seen for a long time.

I’ll grant you that people who have joined the military since September 2011 have done so under entirely different circumstances than when I joined in 1986. They’re joining todaywith the certain knowledge that they could be involved in any number of foolish, unnecessary conflicts our foolish, unnecessary politicians might start anywhere in the world. If I were 20 again, and in the same circumstances as I was in 1986, I can’t say that I would join today’s Army. Despite that, the term “hero” does not automatically apply to all soldiers; it still has to be earned.

After the first Iraq war was over, and we were waiting to be deployed back home, a story made the rounds about a soldier whose crew came under fire. Their vehicle was destroyed, and despite being badly wounded, the story goes, this soldier dragged several of his unconscious crew members out of the line of fire and kept them alive until medics could get there. I never found out of this story was actually true, but assuming it was then that soldier was a true, bona fide hero. I just feel it cheapens the designation for people like him who actually acted in a heroic manner to call every soldier a hero just because they were in the military.

If you appreciate the sacrifices the men and women of the Armed Forces have made to serve their country, then by all means tell them. Thank them for their service and buy them lunch if you are able. Just save the term “hero” for those who truly deserve it.

Joke of the Week

Three men are standing at the Pearly Gates, waiting entry into Heaven. St. Peter tells them, "As you all know, God has a sense of humor; his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."

"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.

"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse."

Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity.

"I admit I screwed around behind my wife's back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out." One man admits.

"Very well," St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.

The second man says with a grin, "I've never actually cheated on my wife." St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. "Okay... There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing but I've never been unfaithful after that!" With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car--but in terrible condition.

The third man says proudly, "I've never been unfaithful. Never." The other two stare at the third in disbelief.

"No, he's right." St. Peter confirms. "He's been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife." The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.

"What's wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?" he gloats.

"No..." the third man tries to gain composure. "It's not that... The car is beautiful!"

"Then what's your problem?"

"I just passed my wife and she was on roller-skates!"

At this point, I'd probably be walking AFTER they took away my shoes!

FFF - True Believer - 6-6-2014

Word Count:  5 verses of 4 lines each
Required Word:  Devotion
Forbidden Work:  Servant
Extra Credit;  Name her Faith
Bonus Words:  Tell us about the last time you were on your knees.

"Can I be your serva-"

THAT IS FORBIDDEN

"Devotion?"

THAT IS ALLOWED

"Shall I pray to you every day?"

THAT IS UNNECESSARY

"I'll pray harder, longer, more fervently than anyone!"

THAT IS TOO PROUD

"Will you always be there for me?"

THAT IS MY VOW
"Shall I tell others about you?"
THAT IS YOUR CHOICE

"Do you like me naked and kneeling?"

THAT IS SELF EVIDENT

"Shall I deliver the unbelievers to you?"

THAT IS- WAIT, WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'DELIVER'?

"I will tell everyone of your endless patience, mercy, and love."

THAT IS ALL VERY WELL, YES. BUT GETTING BACK TO THAT LAS-

"And I will kill those who don't believe it."

NO! THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT! DAMMIT, HERE WE GO AGAIN!

I wrote this quickly (obviously) Monday morning; now it's Thursday and I'm finally getting time to work on the rest of the post, to be published tomorrow. Honestly, I don't like it as much as I did then. Oh, I'll leave it up, for good or bad, and take my lumps as they may be.

Now go read this week's wonderful entries over at Avizor's site, and have a great weekend! The Joke of the Week will be up later today.

Better Than the Alternative, I Suppose

I’ll be 49 in a few months, and this should no longer be the case but I still have moments where I’m amazed to find out that I’m an adult! I have a wife; I have a good job and make decent money; I pay bills; I own cars; I have a mortgage; I HAVE A HOUSE! These are all things adults have; I have all these things; ergo, I’m an adult! This is absolutely mind-blowing at times!

Then it takes me five minutes to get out of bed in the morning because of the aches and pains, and it all becomes depressingly real; I’m glad I’m an adult, but do I have to be so damned old?

Monday Evening Fever

Last night the wife and I were at the gym for Cardio (cardiac) Jam; it’s similar to Zumba except that where Zumba is fluid and has a heavy Latino influence, Cardio Jam is more urban hip-hop. But I’m a fat, middle-aged white guy so it’s all the same to me; I can’t dance worth a shit no matter what the music is.

I’m not going to lie and say we’ve been every week, but I think I’ve been there seven out of the last ten, and the wife goes if she doesn’t have a game. And I am getting better, both in my stamina and, if not at “dancing” then at least at recognizing the movements. I’ll never look good doing the steps, but I can do them with more confidence now. And now that I’m getting the steps down, I can do them more enthusiastically and get a better workout.

When we first started, I would get frustrated with the transitions from one move to the next, and often spend more time trying to catch up than actually doing them. Plus, 20 minutes into the hour long class, I’d be huffing and puffing and having to take little breaks while everyone around me kept going (or so it seemed at the time.) Now I’m catching on quicker to the changes and can keep going longer between rests. And I’ve noticed some of the women struggle with the steps I’ve “mastered” (Ha!), and that makes me feel good.

Most of the time I’m the only guy in the class, which sounds like it’d be fun; watching all those ladies jumping and shaking and grinding and whatnot. But honestly, I don’t even pay much attention to it once the class starts. It’s just a bunch of bodies I have to be careful not to trip over. I mentioned this to Simplicity the other day and she said “Yea, but I bet all the women love having you in there for the eye-candy.” Simplicity is sweet, but honestly if I’m eye-candy, it’s the weird stuff you get from Japan Ten minutes in I’m sweating heavily; by the end of class I literally wring the sweat out of my shirt, and I have to take an extra one to change into so I don’t drench the upholstery on the car.

Last night there was another male in the class; he was younger than me, several inches shorter than me, and even more overweight than I am. If he’d been White, I would have given myself even odds that I’d do better than him; but he was Black, so he figuratively danced rings around me. I’m really not trying to be racist, and I know I shouldn’t stereo-type people, but seriously, as soon as I saw him I knew he’d be better at the moves than I am. And he was, hands down. He was a few people over and behind me, so I didn’t see him often, but when I did he was moving as fluidly and confidently as I don’t. If the women were going to consider anyone eye-candy, it would be him. (Yes, I’m a little jealous.)

And to make it worse, as we were leaving we passed him and one of the ladies from the class (after I’d gone into the restroom to wring out my t-shirt and change into a dry one). I overheard him say “Oh, that was just my first time in that class.” Mother fucker!

Joke of the Week

A man is on vacation in Hawaii. Walking along the beach one day, he finds an old lamp. He picks it up and brushes it off, freeing the genie trapped inside.

The genie says, "My good man, thank you for freeing me from this lamp. As a token of my gratitude, you may have three wishes."

The man is elated. "I wish I could have a Ferrari!" The genie snaps his fingers and a shiny red Ferrari materializes in front of him.

The man, delighted by his lucky turn in life, excitedly says, "I wish to be a billionaire!" The genie once again makes it so.

The man, now decked in the finest suit money could buy (inevitably to be coated with sand anyway), scans the secluded beach and says, "Genie, you have given me everything I ever wanted. But one thing I'd like is a road connecting California to Hawaii."

The genie looks dismayed. "Look man, that's really difficult for me to do. That's like 2000 miles, plus there's the water to deal with, so it would be almost impossible. Is there anything else you might want?"

Just then, a beautiful woman comes strolling down the beach in the opposite direction. The man quickly turns to the genie before she comes closer and says, "I have never been good with the opposite sex. Make me understand women! Help me understand exactly what goes on in their heads, what really makes them tick. All the money and Ferraris in the world could not make me any better at that. Yes, that's what I want."

The genie thinks about it for a moment, then asks, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

There are a lot of holes in this joke; what good would a 2000 mile road between Hawaii and California be without hotels along the way? And gas stations? But it's still kind of funny.

I apologize for being late with the joke this week. I try to get them posted on Friday, but sometimes I'm busy at work or otherwise distracted and I just don't get it done. 

Oh, and there probably won't be a weekend update this week, unless something notable happens today (which isn't likely.) We've had a nice weekend, and did some riding, but there just isn't enough to write about. But I will try to do a FFF this week, if I can get the writing part of my brain to work.