Closing one book, opening a new one

The last contact I had with Jeff (from the CL ad) was March 28. I sent an email asking how things were going, and he replied saying they were good but busy. He said maybe we could meet up the next week (last week) and things would settle down by Tuesday. I said when he knew more about how his week was unfolding to send me an email and we'd get together for that beer. I haven't heard anything since, so I'm guessing I can write that one off. It's a shame, too, since I thought that was finally going to go somewhere.

Thanks to TJ Pederson at A Bi Problem, though, I've signed up at Dizcreet, a site for married men exploring their bi-sexual nature. The site is still in beta, so I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a "dating" or "hookup" site, but for now it seems to be a good social network, and another way to show off my dick pics. And look at a lot of dick pics, if you're into that sort of thing, lol.

I've written before that I'm not attracted to men; I don't think of guys as being "hot", and even naked pictures of dicks don't do anything for me. It's the act that turns me on. But I do like the compliments I've gotten on my dick pic, both from my readers on this blog and from my new "friends" at Dizcreet. And it is fun to get into the banter, the back and forth of messages and compliments and whatnot.

I often wonder if, when the time comes and I do meet a guy to play around, if I'll be able to really let loose all of my inhibitions and enjoy the moment. Or will I be too worried about how I look, how the guy sees me, if I'm acting too "gay" or too "straight" at the moment? What will I balk at, when the chips are down?

I love for the wife to stick her finger or one of our slim toys in my ass while she's going down on me, but would I want a guy to do that? My fantasies with a guy really aren't about him blowing me, though, as much as me blowing him. If he wanted me to play with his ass, would I be into it? I guess I'll have to wait and see how that one goes. I'm almost positive there will be no dick-in-ass in either direction, but only "almost" because I can't say my tastes won't change down the road.

Weekend Update

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty good, mostly, except for... well, let's get the good stuff out of the way first.

Friday night we went to a local establishment and saw a kick-ass, rockin and rollin band. I got drunker than I needed to, but damn I had a great time! The wife isn't a big fan of that type of music (she likes more of the club music) but some of our friends were there and she had a good time hanging out with them.

The local baseball team had their Open House day Saturday morning, so the wife went to that with our family friend (and the guy who paid for hers and his season tickets) while I went to my mothers for the weekly visit. I was feeling pretty rough, but I pulled it off and got out okay after a respectable 30 minutes. I came back home and zoned out for a bit waiting for the wife to get home, which she did around 11:30 a.m. We didn't do a lot after that except our weekly grocery shopping. I took a much-needed nap for about 3 hours, had a cigar, then made chili and cornbread for dinner.

Sunday was a beautiful day, so the wife and I hopped on the motorcycle and went to Happy's, a local flea market. Whenever I feel fat, ugly and/or dumb, I like to walk around Happy's. After 15 minutes or so, I start to feel thinner, prettier, and smart! I understand that fully half of the people there are probably doing the same thing, but it works for me. I had another cigar when we got back home, and cooked some lemon pepper chicken breasts for dinner.

So, like I say, mostly a good weekend. Now on to the bad stuff.

This. Is. Embarrassing. It's TMI, it's pretty gross, but first and foremost it's embarrassing. If you read past this point, you only have yourself to blame. Duly warned? Duly warned!

So sometime before I woke up Saturday morning, all hungover and feeling rough, that damned hernia that swelled up last week started bleeding. Of course I discover this as I'm in the bathroom doing... bathroom things, and it really scared me at first until I realized what was going on. I'm not talking about a little streak of blood as I wiped; it was a disgusting mess! Now you'd think this would be a cause of alarm, but apparently with external hemorrhoids it's not that big a deal and you just work through it.

Well, I got that cleaned up and just kind of hoped it would go away. I use a hemorrhoidal gel that I was hoping would seal the area that the bleed was coming from but that just made it a gooier mess than before. By the end of the day, I was just glad I was wearing really dark blue underwear! I threw that pair in the hamper with the rest of the laundry Saturday night, got cleaned up good again, and wore a different pair to bed when we went. (I normally sleep in the nude, but didn't want to soil the sheets with my ass blood.)

Sunday morning wasn't as bad, but again, I'm glad the underwear was dark red. In truth, the bleeding was never really heavy but the accumulation of it and the way it would get smeared around throughout the day made it look a lot worse than it was. I got cleaned up, and decided what I needed to do was put a barrier between the bleeding area and my underwear. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to walk around all day with a wad of toilet paper stuck up your ass? Especially when you spend some of that day on a motorcycle? It worked, but damn it was painful!

So I started thinking that I needed something thinner, but absorbent enough for a light flow of blood. Something like a cotton or linen napkin. And it would be nice if it had an adhesive strip to keep it in place, because throughout the day your normal bending and twisting and sitting and whatnot will tend to cause it to shift around on you. I didn't want it to stick to the skin, so the adhesive should be on the back and you stick it to the underwear. And it should definitely be hygienic; a hygienic nap...kin... dammit!

So, what has two thumbs and is going to wear one of the wife's panty liners to work?

This guy!

So. Embarrassing! 

I'll take a couple spares with me in case I need to change it through the day, but I need some way of having them handy without stuffing them in my pocket. A bag of some kind, and if it's big enough it could hold my other stuff too, like my wallet, keys, glasses and contacts stuff, etc. And I don't want to hold onto it all day, leaving me with just one hand, so it needs a strap I can throw it over my shoulder. And what the hell, it might as well be pretty too, right? 

Oh, right, like a purse. Dammit!

The only good part about it is they're scented, so every time I fart it'll be like walking in a flower shop. 

Drinks all around!

I'm celebrating one month of blogging, so drink are on me! Of course I understand it's safe to say that on the internet, especially on a Sunday morning, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Actually, yesterday was one month, but I was too hung over in the morning to write anything, and then later in the day I just didn't have time. I did have a nap and then a cigar, though, and made cornbread and chili for dinner. So it was a pretty good day all in all.

But back to celebrating! In my first month, I've had a total of 2050 page views, averaging right around 65 per day or so. The weekends are the slowest, getting usually in the 30s, but that's to be expected; people are busy with family and friends, and aren't trying to avoid real work like they are during the week. (That's what I'm doing at work, anyway.)

My all-time high was March 9; I had 167 views that day, and it was mostly due to James F Break at Break Out introducing me to his readers and saying I have a nice wiener. Thanks, JFB! I'd written him an email asking for some advice on how to become more popular, and he told me to simply keep doing what I'm doing: write good posts (I hope most of what I write is good), comment on other blogs, and be patient. Good advice for anyone doing anything, I suppose.

I have 7 members to this blog so far, JFB being one of them. You can see who they are on the right side. For the page hits I'm getting, I assume I have some fairly regular readers who aren't members, and that's cool too. You're all welcome! GAM (Gay Asian Male) is a frequent anonymous commenter who likes stocky, hairy guys, but supports my efforts to lose weight as well.

I've really enjoyed blogging here for the past month, and showing everyone my wiener. I'm planning to continue both for some time, though as we all know it's inevitable that the number of posts will trail off at some point. But not too soon, I think. I still have a lot of my back story to tell, as the mood strikes me. Some "secrets" have yet to be revealed, and perhaps they never will be, but most likely I will at some point. And it may cost me goodwill among my readers; I hope not, but these things happen.

I also hope to have adventures to relate here, both with ladies and with men, but that remains to be seen.  So far, it looks like all of the opportunities I've been working on have gone south, which is very frustrating. But there are always more opportunities out there to be found, and I'll keep trying. I hate having to start over, but we do what we must, no?

Thanks to all of you for a successful first month.

Friday Weigh-In and Other Topics

My first weigh-in was disappointing, mostly because it looked like I was on my way to a big loss. With my tooth hurting so much all week, I'd eaten very little during the day both because it hurt too much to chew and because the pain kept my appetite down. But during the evenings at home, I managed to find enough soft foods, which typically meant ice cream and the like, to blow it. Then yesterday I got my tooth fixed and I kind of went crazy for lunch (a Hardee's Big Bag lunch) on my way to work. Dinner wasn't bad, but I wound up having some snacks afterward that I really didn't need.

So on the one hand, yea disappointing that I didn't lose anything. On the other hand, considering how badly I ate in the evenings, at least I didn't gain anything. So the first week is a mulligan.

Week 1: 251.8

I'll do better this coming week.

The tooth got fixed yesterday, at least temporarily. I go back in two weeks for a root canal, but the main part of the pain is gone for now. It hurt like crazy when the novocain wore off because of the poking and drilling and the mild TMJ I have, but a vicadin took care of that pretty quickly. It made the drive home in the surprise snow storm interesting, but I made it alive. My jaw is still a little sore this morning but the tooth itself feels fine.

I took another vicadin last night, along with a strong drink, and slept pretty good, but now my thoughts are muddled and I can't quite get any pep into my writing. I'll try to be more interesting later.

Tooth story, bro.

I'm going to the dentist this morning, finally! I normally hate it, especially if I have to have novacain, but I'm so sick of the pain from my bad tooth I'm actually looking forward to this visit!

Update: You know what I'm finding out? I like vicadin! I may need to have the wife pick me up from work though.

Getting Caught

"I'm sorry."

What else could I say? The wife was looking at me, disbelief and pain in her eyes, and crying. "You were cheating on me?" she asked, incredulously, her voice raw with emotion. It was a rhetorical question, of course. I couldn't very well deny it; she'd seen us lying naked in bed, spooning.

I'd already fucked Julie once and I was just thinking I might be able to go again in a few minutes with a little foreplay when I heard something and looked up. The wife was standing in the door way, and the icy cold dread immediately ran up my spine. Before I could say anything she said "Thanks" in a flat voice that scared me, then turned and ran out of our apartment.

Julie and I got dressed quickly and I walked her out to her car. She said "I knew this was a bad idea, meeting at your place." I almost replied with "Well why the fuck didn't you tell me that?!" but didn't. This wasn't Julie's fault; I was the one cheating, and I did so willingly.

"Yea, sorry I put you in this spot. But look, it was fun but this is over." For some reason I thought it was necessary to spell that out, but it really wasn't. I didn't care much for Julie, but she wasn't dumb.

I left the apartment complex, but as soon as I got on the road towards the wife's work, I saw her car speeding in the opposite direction, heading back home. She saw me and pulled into a parking lot while I u-turned and pulled up beside her. We got out of the car, and now I'm back to the beginning.

"Who was it?" she asked. And here I could have made the next three months or so much simpler for everyone if I'd just been quick enough with a lie. She didn't see enough of Julie to recognize her, so I could have told her anyone. But for some reason, I told her.

"Julie," I said, "one of the girls at work." Of course the wife knew who that was. She'd seen everyone I worked with every Friday night when we'd have pizza waiting for us coming in to count in our sales. The wife came because she liked the atmosphere, and the free pizza. There were only two women in the office, and she would gravitate to the both of them while the guys got rowdy and a little crude.

As I said earlier, I didn't really care much for Julie. She wasn't a very nice person, and though she was pretty and had some nice curves, she wasn't hot enough to make up for her personality shortcomings. Also, she had that fake toughness that some people get when they know the people around them are too civilized to punch her when she really, really deserved it. She'd laugh about how she "told that motherfucker to suck my dick, and he just took it! Pussy!" and seriously believe it was because the guy was afraid of her and not just too worried about going to jail to lay her out. Plus, I hate it when a girl says "suck my dick." It's just so fucking stupid!

So why was I fucking her, and causing all this pain for the wife? Because she let me the night that she and I, along with the boss and another woman from the office, went to Louisville KY. And she told me I was one of the hottest guys at work (in an office with about 20 other guys.) As much as I don't believe it when people tell me things like that, I still eat it up. I wouldn't do it now if I had the chance. If I'm going to cheat on my wife now, the person doesn't have to be great looking, or even good looking, but they have to have a good personality. And feeding my ego helps.

One other thing I sometimes think I missed a chance on was when the wife said "I want to go home!" We were in a public parking lot, and it was cold, so I said "Yes, let's go home and talk." She almost said something else, but then said "okay," and got in her car. I knew at the time that she meant she wanted to go home to her mother and family in Germany, but played it off like I didn't understand it that way. I didn't feel then the way about being married that I do now, but how much better would it have been for both of us if I'd had the foresight to know that my cheating (this was actually the second woman I'd cheated on the wife with in as many years) was a symptom of my wanting out? It would have hurt her, and me, but it would have happened after 5 years of marriage when we were both still relatively young. And it would be 15 years in the past now.

Back at the apartment we talked and cried, I assured her (honestly) that I love her and didn't love Julie, that it was just meaningless sex, and told her I'd do anything for her to forgive me even though I didn't deserve it. Eventually we both had to get to work (though my day was fucked as far as sales were concerned) and she said we'd talk that night.

And we did talk that night. And we drank; oh BOY did we drink! Back then I rarely had more than a beer at a time, but I keep some good gin in the freezer just for those times when I felt like having a small drink. That night we killed what was an almost full liter bottle of Beefeater's. Nowadays that would give me a little buzz, but back then that was enough to fuck me up pretty good. And it fucked the wife up pretty good too, which was what she was looking for.

The one lie I did tell the wife, as she asked me about the affair, was when she asked if Julie had given me a blow-job. I immediately calculated the chances of ever getting head from the wife again at about zero if I told her the truth, so I said "No, she can't stand to do that and refused to." (The truth is, Julie was pretty damned good at giving head, and let me cum in her mouth twice and swallowed! In the four times she and I had gotten together, that was already once more than the wife had managed in five years.) I stand by my decision to tell her that lie, and don't regret it a bit.

When we went to bed, the wife turned her back to me. I was close to her, but not touching, when we fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and when I got back in bed I got a little closer, and put my hand on her hip. She took my hand and placed it on her breast, then turned towards me for a kiss. We made out a while, then she grabbed my dick and pulled me to her. I rolled onto her, then into her, and we made love while we cried. When it was over, we snuggled and went back to sleep without ever having said a word.

I don't know if she came or not, and I don't even remember if I did, but that wasn't really the point. She was marking her territory, as it were, and I was letting her. I remember thinking to myself that I would never hurt her like that again. I justify the later flings (and the ones I hope to have in the future) by saying it won't hurt her as long as she doesn't find out; I'll be more careful and not get caught.

I worked there with Julie another three months before deciding I just don't have what it takes to be in sales. The wife still came by on Friday's for pizza night, and stopped in at other times as well unannounced. I got it, Julie got it, and she knew we got it and didn't care. She could have insisted that I leave the job, and I wouldn't have objected that much as I already knew I would be leaving soon, but she didn't. I had one conversation with Julie about the situation, telling her that the wife was mad but wouldn't cause trouble as long as nothing happened. We agreed to keep conversations professional only from then on, and we stuck to it. Like I said, I didn't really like her that much to begin with, so it wasn't hard to do. 

When I finally left, I think the wife and Julie both sighed in relief.

Weekend Update

Not a bad weekend, all in all. I was off Friday and the niece and I took L some lunch, and I was planning to grill some steaks Friday night for dinner. L was heading back down the road for home, so it would have just been the wife, the niece and I. But the niece decided to go out with some friends, and I was feeling lazy by then, so the wife and I went and had a light dinner at a local chain restaurant. I wanted some lovin', but I was worn out and was fast asleep by 9:30.

Saturday morning the wife and I were getting dressed to start our chores. The niece was up and about, but I was horny and told my wife I wanted to cuddle a bit. We lay down and kissed, then she told me to take my pants off. I'd originally really only wanted to cuddle, but as soon as she said that I was hard! She was wet as well, so I knew she wanted it as much as I did. The niece was walking back and forth in the hallway from her room to the bathroom, which was distracting, but I came in about 5 minutes. It was fun being sneaky and quiet, but I felt bad for the wife because she didn't get to come.

We drove down to visit L for the day, and ended up having some great sushi at our favorite Japanese steak house down there. A long drive back, a few drinks, and again we were both too tired for any playing and were asleep before 10:30.

Sunday morning I made Breakfast Bacon Cups, which turned out wonderfully, and later grilled the steaks (finally!) for dinner. It rained most of the day, but I got a small window for having a cigar and then grilling, so I'd consider it a win.

My mood was mostly up, but there were a few spots here and there where I got aggravated with the wife, the niece, or with L. But I was able to maintain control and not snap at any of them. The wife realized I was mad at one point when I was trying to show her something on her computer and she kept interrupting me. She'd asked me the question in the first place, and it grates on my nerves to try to answer somebody's question and to keep getting interrupted, especially about stuff that's not relevant to the question. So I stopped trying to answer and handed her back her computer, and wouldn't answer any more questions about it. I would have blown up otherwise. She was quiet for a few minutes then said "I'm sorry," and kissed me, and that was that.

Now on to TMI stuff. Seriously, don't read any further because this is gross. I mean it! You only have yourself to blame if you go any further!

Okay, it's not really that gross, but I figured if I oversold it you wouldn't get as mad as if I undersold it. Anyway: I'm dealing with a painful hemorrhoid. I've had the itchy, burning butt hole before, but this is so much worse! I actually have a swollen external one, apparently where a vein filled up with blood. It's uncomfortable to sit for any length of time, and standing only provides some relief before it starts to hurt again. The weather might have been right on the edge of nice enough to ride my motorcycle to work, but forget it!

I'm treating it with a store branded version of Preparation H, but it's not helping much. I'll probably have to see the doctor if the swollen node doesn't go down, but god I hate doing that. One it's money I don't want to spend; two about the only thing he can do is nick the swollen part and drain the blood (gag!); and three it's just downright embarrassing. And I'll probably get stuck with a nurse practitioner, so that means the woman there will be the one gazing at my gnarly butt hole. It's funny how during sex I don't worry about all that, but in a non-sexual situation it just makes me really uncomfortable.

On top of that I have a tooth that started aching really bad yesterday, and this morning it hasn't subsided any. So that's another visit that's going to cost me money, especially if it gets too bad to wait until my scheduled appointment. I'll have to call them this morning because I don't remember when it's supposed to be, but I hope it's really soon.