Still Stunned

 I'm still having a hard time coming to grips with Simplicity's death; it's just so sudden and random from my point of view. I've been trying to remember our last conversations (via text) and what all she told me, and if that would give me any answers as to what might have happened. Unfortunately I just can't remember the details, and I never back up my text messages (for obvious reasons), and I clear them out pretty often.

More than anything I feel bad that it took over a month for me to recognize that something might be wrong and look into it. She died on the 16th of June, a Wednesday. Had we texted the Monday or Tuesday prior to that? I know we chatted the week before, because she was asking me how my vacation the previous week had been (the week after Memorial day.) It wasn't unusual to go a week or two without hearing from her, and there's always tomorrow to catch up, right?

Not that it would have made any difference if I had noticed earlier. She was gone before it would have ever occurred to me, even if I wasn't distracted by everything else.

I mentioned some of this to CR earlier, and he reminded me that it's the nature of online relationships to go periods of time without contact. Sometimes it drops altogether and you never know why even if you think to question it. It's only because she and I were a good bit closer that I even had the means to look into it; otherwise I might never have known.

Geez, that's a depressing thought.

I'm off work early today, and the wife is coming home an hour earlier too, and we're heading out for Myrtle Beach tonight. We're going to stop after a few hours drive and stay in a hotel, then get up fresh tomorrow for the last few hours drive. We booked this back in May, and we've both been looking forward to this week since then.

I'm excited about the trip, but then it hits me again that Simplicity won't be there next week asking about what all we did, where we ate, how much sun I got, and saying again how we need to go there sometime together. Clearly that wasn't going to be able to happen, but we kept up the fantasy.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I'll try to get another update out this weekend after we get back.

A Loss of a Good Friend

 I'm truly sorry to have to have to post the loss of my dear friend Simplicity from the former blog Keep it Simple, Sexy. She died on June 16, but I don't have any other details than that. I just found out about it today myself. Because of the nature of our relationship, I don't think it would be good to try to contact any of her family to get additional information.

I wish I could post some meaningful tribute to her, but honestly words fail me at the moment. I'd backed away from the physical nature of our relationship, but I did still enjoy texting with her. I'm going to miss having her to banter with.

I swear, I am never drinking again!

When was the last time you had a hangover so bad you swore off drinking? I had one of those yesterday, and oh brother! I'm not literally going to never drink again, but we didn't drink anything yesterday (we barely ate!) and we've agreed to not drink the rest of this week (until Friday night.)

L and R came into town Saturday. It's a bit of an anniversary for them, as you'll remember it was this time last year that L and the wife and I went to the St Patrick's Day events (sans parade) and where R met up with us. That led to him and L fucking all night in our guest room, while I dealt with my "over served" wife. 

L was still with B at the time, but was looking to leave. L uses the same advice with relationships that people use for jobs: never leave your current one until you have another to go to. She and B split up for good soon after that, and she wound up living with us for a few months before moving in with R permanently (so far.) There had been some mild shenanigans between us during that time, but relatively chaste (for us, anyway).

So they came into town Saturday, and we went back to the St Patrick's Day events downtown (sans parade). We hit a couple of the same spots as last year, but didn't stay long and were back home by dinner time. That's when the true drinking got started!

We'd been planning the get together for a couple weeks now, and I can honestly say that, under the circumstances, I absolutely did not expect any shenanigans to occur. But isn't that the way it always happens?

My memory of most of the night is spotty, but I recall clearly what happened when, later in the night, I went upstairs to get more ice for drinks. L followed me up to "help" with getting things, and R and the wife were downstairs watching TV or whatever.

As soon as we got into the kitchen, I turned to L and she aggressively began kissing me. She pulled up her top so I could play with and suck on her tits, then groped me through my pajama pants (we'd all decided to get comfortable for the night.) I pulled my dick out, and L tugged it a few times then bent over and sucked me nice and firmly for a few seconds. We knew we couldn't spend too long away from them, so we put ourselves back together. I told L "I want to fuck you!" She said "I know, and we'll take a day off together soon, but we have to get back downstairs now." So we did, and that was it.

Until the next morning.

I woke up about 7 (really 6, but the time change and all) and wobbled my way into the bathroom wondering how I'd gotten to bed. Coming out, I saw L standing in the doorway to the rec room and said "good morning." She turned to me and looked about as bad as I felt. We laughed about still being drunk, and came to sit at the bar.

She asked if she'd behaved the night before, and I grinned and hesitated before saying "Eh... yea, I guess." I asked her if she remembered going upstairs together, and she said she did. We chuckled about that, and she stood up and moved next to me and raised her shirt again for me. I played with her boobs some more, licking and sucking the nipples while grabbing her ass.

I was sliding my fingers up inside of the boy shorts she was wearing, and she kind of half-heartedly turned away, laughing. She said she and R had sex a bit earlier, and that everything was still juicy. I said I didn't care (which she knows), so she turned back towards me to give me access. Sure enough, her pussy was wet, and I rubbed all along her slit before pulling my fingers out and licking them. By the look on her face, I think she enjoyed seeing that.

I pulled my dick out and stroked it a few times before she took it in her hand. I did a little hip thrust up, and she took the hint and leaned over and gave me a good suck! She stood back up and I continued stroking while she watched. 

After a moment of this (all the while we kept up an inane conversation in case anyone was listening) I reached for her and got my fingers inside of her again. And again I licked them clean, and told her to pull her shorts down and lean over the barstool and I'd lick her clean. I didn't expect her to do it, and she didn't, but she was undeniably tempted.

I was still stroking my cock and asked if she wanted to suck it again. She asked if I was close to coming, and I told her I was not. She kind of shrugged and said "I'll just go upstairs then, haha." A few minutes later the wife stumbled out of the bedroom and we went upstairs while L and R got their things together. None of us were in good shape, but R seemed to be the most coherent. He kept telling all of us that we needed to take a shot and we'd feel better. We didn't take him up on that.

After they left, and the wife decided to go back to sleep for a while, I jacked off while remembering the feel of L's mouth on my cock. When I came, it made my knees weak (though that may have also been because of the hangover.)

"Right now" L says a lot of shit that "later on" L either doesn't remember or changes her mind about, and this is especially true when there's alcohol involved. I don't know what, if anything, will happen the next time the two of us are alone together for a day, but I'm definitely looking forward to that possibility!

An Uncomfortable, yet Unavoidable, Truth

 Several years ago, the wife and I were grocery shopping, as we often do. For whatever reason, we needed cash this time (something we were going to do the next day that cash would be more convenient, I suppose.) Anyway, we make our purchase, I push the buttons for cash back (probably $40, but maybe as much as $60.) This was a self-checkout register, which I infinitely prefer to having to deal with a cashier.

We get home, and later the wife says something that reminds me of the cash. I ask her for it, and she said “I don’t have it. I thought you got it.” Of course I didn’t.

This was a time where our finances were finally starting to get under control, and though the loss of $40 (or maybe $60!) wasn’t something I’d want to do on a regular basis, I knew the chances of getting it back were slim to none and was ready to write it off as an expensive lesson learned. The wife wanted me to call the store and ask if it had been turned in, and I didn’t want to. After all, who’s going to turn in found money?

As you can probably guess, I finally called the store. And as you may have guessed, I was surprised to hear that, once I was able to verify the register number from the receipt, the time of day, and the amount, the customer service rep told me the money was there for me to pick up! Score on for the wife!

So why was I so sure nobody would turn it in? Because I wouldn’t have. If I’d found that money in the cash return at the register, I’d have pocketed it with very little thought. I’d have justified it as 1) the person won’t call back because they would assume it was gone, 2) even if I turned it in the person I gave it to would just keep it for themselves, and 3) I didn’t steal it, I found it. Finders keepers, right?

Maybe two weeks later, we were out shopping again. As we got to the self-checkout, we both noticed cash in the cash return. I took it out and saw it was $60, and my first instinct was to quickly pocket it before anyone saw. In my defense, we hadn’t seen anybody leave the register as we approached, so there wasn’t much of a chance finding whomever may have forgotten it.

The wife, of course, immediately stated we’d turn it in to customer service. I didn’t argue, immediately agreed with her that it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t believe it. If she hadn’t been there, I’d have kept that money with very little, if any, guilt.

And understand, none of my rationalizations would have applied. I now knew that people do call back, that at least some of the workers there are honest enough to attempt to get the money to the person who lost it, and that finders may be keepers but it sucks to be the loser who’s weeping.

And still, I’d have kept that money if the wife hadn’t been there. In fact, though our financial circumstances are much better now than they were even then, I’d probably keep the money under those circumstances.

I’m not a complete monster; if I saw someone drop the money I’d let them know. If I saw the person walking away and could surmise that it was their money, I’d make the effort to give it back. But randomly finding money with no obvious owner around, even knowing that there would be an outside chance that they would come back for it, I’d almost certainly keep it.

As an atheist, I don’t believe in a set “morality” as religion usually defines it, but I do believe in behaving ethically. I do this because I know the survival of society depends on most people being ethical, and because I can empathize with people enough to not want to cause them harm in a way that I don’t want to be harmed.

I know this such a huge hole in my ethical thinking, and it bothers me more that I know the hole is there, and recognize that it shouldn’t be and that I should work to close it, than my actions because of this hole. My cheating on the wife is a similar hole.

And yet, I will cheat on my wife again if the opportunity and timing allows. And if I were a millionaire with no money concerns at all, two months away from dying, I’d still want to pocket that $60. I’m not proud of it, and deserve whatever scorn I’ve got coming, but it’s a truth about me that I cannot change.

And Sometimes, it all Just Works Out!

 Back in June, after another failed attempt (and being ghosted in the process), I finally washed my hands of trying to meet up with CR. I hinted at it here but never really broke down what happened, and honestly I don't think there's much point in doing it now. It happened, and I was ready to move on.

And move on I did. Well, kind of. I tried getting back on Grindr, but my heart was never really in it. I talked with a few guys, but nothing was clicking. In fact, I didn't even mind that it wasn't. The wife and I were suddenly too busy for me to meet up with someone, what with selling our house and getting our stuff packed up for the house we bought. What seemed like an abundance of time, 45+ days until closing, quickly ran up on us with all the destructive enthusiasm of a Lab greeting her humans that she hasn't seen in 20 minutes!

One Saturday, about a week before closing, I drove by the church and saw CR's truck out front. It was close to the time that I knew he'd be done with the weekly activity, and possibly leaving soon, so I contrived to drive around the block a few times to see if I could catch him on his way out. I just wanted to say "hey", and finally meet him in person.

I came to my senses prior to that happening, but as I drove away I did text him a quick hello not knowing if I'd hear back from him or not. A few hours later, I did. We talked, he apologized for the last incident, and we put it behind us. I did tell him "If we ever make a plan to meet again, and you start getting cold feed, JUST TELL ME! Don't just disappear on me!" He promised, and that was that.

We continued to chat over the next week or so, while the wife and I were moving into our new house. As it happens, my new house is practically in CR's back yard! (Yes, I knew this at the time we put our offer in, but I promise there was no ulterior motive on my part!) He passes my house on his way to work, so he was well familiar with it and even knows some of my neighbors.

The week after we moved in, the wife told me that she would be working the following Saturday (last week). I mentioned it to CR, and said that he should stop by on his way to the church and I'd give him the grand tour. I promised him that "grand tour" was not a euphemism for anything, and he said "but it could be!" Thus, once more we had a plan, and this time it seemed destined to happen!

But of course it didn't. Once again something unusual came up, and CR wasn't going to be able to make it. I didn't get mad, or even overly disappointed, because I guess on some level I kind of expected something like that. Everything about the situation seemed like I was being played, but I just honestly didn't think CR was doing this intentionally. Call me naive, or evian, or whatever, but I was sure I had a better read on CR than that. So I just "Alright, we'll try again." After all, I knew the wife would be working most Saturday's for the rest of the year.

Sure enough, she told me Tuesday this week that she would be working Saturday, and on Wednesday I let CR know. He said it sounded like a good plan, that we'd meet at my house, and see what happened from there.

He'd said he would be there at 8:30, and since the wife had to work I got up a little after 4. I had some chores around the house to keep me busy, which kept me from getting too anxious about the long wait (I'm the impatient sort, if you hadn't noticed.) We started chatting around 6 and he said everything was still good to go on his end. We both knew things could change at the last minute, but I was still getting excited.

Just before 8 CR texted me asking if we could move the meeting to the church. I had my misgivings, considering all the prior plans involving the church and how badly awry that always went. When I told him that, he assured me that for this time of morning, everything should be clear. I went along with it, but was also making plans for what I'd do when he texted to say someone else was at the church and we'd have to cancel.

He left his house on time, and I watched as he drove by my house on his way to the church. A minute or so later I left, going the same route. He'd told me where to park and which door to come to, and I drove up to park behind his car still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just as I pulled up I got the "blip" of a message coming in. It said "all clear!"

I got out of my car, walked up to the door he'd indicated, and there he was, waiting for me! Holy shit (no pun intended) this is actually going to happen!

And just to cut to the chase, it did! We were both nervous, but we'd agreed long ago that when we finally met, as soon as we were in a clear location, we'd kiss and just get the awkwardness over with. So, we did! We kissed, and groped a bit, and after a few minutes I think we were both a lot less nervous.

We didn't have a lot of time, so we both opened our pants and pulled our cocks out. Suddenly I was holding the dick I'd only seen pictures (and a few good videos) of to this point! We kissed a little more, then I said "I need to get my mouth on this!"

He sat down and I kneeled in front of him and FINALLY got my mouth on that dick! I won't go into all the details (I mean, most of you have either sucked dick or had your dick sucked, so you know how that goes), but I licked and sucked like I hadn't had dick in over a year! CR seemed to like it, too.

As I've said in the past, I don't necessarily get anything out of a guy sucking my dick, but I'm not opposed to it either. So when CR wanted a turn, I was glad to let him. It felt good, and I stayed hard, but I could tell pretty early in that I probably wasn't going to cum.

After ten minutes or so I had CR stand up while I stayed in the seat. I pulled him to me and took him in my mouth again, and continued where I'd left off earlier. I must have been doing something right, because before too long he started panting, then said "I'm really close!" That was music to my ears! I continued sucking and bobbing, and when CR gasped "I'm cumming!" I was ready for him! I drained him as best I could, then I swallowed, and I was in heaven!

CR had agreed to use my phone to get videos of the action, so that I could show a few of the people I know would like to see it (Hi Simplicity!) (James, I'll get with you later!). I won't make the video widely available, but I will offer this screen shot...

CR sucked me some more afterwards, but as good as it felt and as much as I would have liked to, I just wasn't going to cum. We agreed that we'd definitely be doing this again, and maybe in time it'll be a little easier for me to get into it. But all in all, I know I had a great time, and I think CR did too!

An update, and a funny acectdote

Well, I think it's funny. Maybe you'd have to have been there.

I'm moving on from the failed CR affair, as one does. I'm still confused, and maybe even a little hurt, but ultimately it's a small thing. For a while I was concerned that perhaps something had happened to him, but I've seen his vehicle outside of the church from time to time. (No, I'm not stalking him I promise. The church just happens to be on the road that the wife and I travel quite frequently.) Yesterday I even saw him getting in his vehicle, and if the wife hadn't been with me I may have turned down the street and said hey. Perhaps it's best that didn't happen.

I went back on Grindr a few times, waiting to see what would turn up. The few conversations that I got involved in died quickly, as I'm just not really that into it right now. We've got a lot going on, what with getting our house ready to put on the market and looking at potential "new" houses for us. We're really interested in one in particular, but we haven't been able yet to get an appointment to see it. (The owners are still in it, so we can't just show up.) (Saturday morning the status changed to "pending" so we missed out on that one.)

Isn't it funny how a good photographer can make a house look so much bigger and fresher than it is in real life, though? We've been in a few houses that we were interested in, and they always seem less than they did in the pictures.

L came to town early Thursday, and I got off work early, so we spent a few hours together. We rarely get "us" time anymore, so it's nice when things come together like that. Of course there were shenanigans, as usual, but no real sex. I got to finger her a bit, and she stroked me so that I could tutor her on how to give R a good hand-job. We come up with the damnedest excuses for doing what we do! (The finale was that she watched me jack off until I came, which always turns her on. Unfortunately, nothing further happened after that.)

Later R came to the house, and when the wife got home we all went to dinner. We had a good meal and a great time, teasing and joking with one another. L kept bringing up Rs sister, gauging his reaction. She thinks there may have been something between the two of them when they were younger (and for the record, she may not be entirely off base) and keeps hoping to get a "hit" on some of her barbs. So far, he's handled all of them (according to L) will h hardly any reaction at all.

But on the drive home,they were talking about some moonshine his mom brought them from out of state. I said "you live right next to the moonshine capital of the world, Franklin County! Why do you need that imported shit?! "

R said " oh,but this is from West Virginia. It'll make you want to fuck your sister!"

I looked up sharply in time to see L duck her head to the side, shoulders hunching as she tried to stop laughing. For one of the few times in my life I was speechless, for what felt like a few minutes (but was actually just a few seconds) before blurting out "good heavens!" That got everyone laughing,but I think it was more to break the tension than anything else.

As happens in these times, later I came up with two or three responses that would have been better. The one I really wish I'd said is "Drink a lot of that, do you R?" That definitely would have been interesting!

I did later text L that the next time R drinks some of that moonshine, she definitely needs to ask him if it makes him want to fuck his sister.

Back to the Drawing Board (or not)

I'm giving up on looking for a dick to suck, at least for a while. It's more trouble than it's worth.

I went on Grindr yesterday,and it was just more of the same ole same ole. I engaged in a few half-assed conversations, but my heart wasn't really in it. No, I can't host. No I can't meet you after work. No I can't drive two hours out of my way on a weekend.

No, I don't know what I even want here.

I think giving up Facebook has been a positive thing, but I'm still feeling morose. The cold, dreary weather we've had since Saturday (and get to enjoy all week) isn't helping either.

The wife and I started watching "The Handmaid's Tale" and it feels all too scarily possible in today's climate. Margaret Atwood wrote it in 1985, and seems remarkably prescient now.

Just so this post isn't all doom and gloom, I am heartened by the growing BLM sentiment, and the protests it is generating. Despite a few miscreants causing trouble, the protests are long overdue, and I hope they can lead to meaningful change.

Likewise, I support the removal of all the Confederate statues and memorials from the public square. Traitors to the country who fought to maintain the right to hold other humans as slaves should not be celebrated or help up as honorable people.